2011 is gone in a freaking flash.
Shortest year of my life! A good one, though.
In this year I have:
Driven about 300 hours in my car
Read for about 775 hours (about 225 books and about 100 scripts)
Watched more than 1400 hours of media
Spent more than 300 hours outside in the sun (usually reading)
Spent more than 2000 hours working
In total I have spent about 4,775 hours doing stuff (hopefully multi tasking)... what on earth did I do with the other 3990 odd hours?
If it's all sleeping that would average to about 10 hours a night - which would be nice...
I generally get about 7 hours a night - which would be 2555 hours...
So I still have about 1435 hours unaccounted for - that's 59 days! That's TWO MONTHS!
WHERE WAS I?!?! Alien abduction? Waiting in line at the post office? Playing words with friends? Showering?
That's 3.9 hours a day that I'm doing what exactly? Oh, wait. I was probably eating...
This year- my 28th year of life - I plan on making use of every single hour and use it for good.
I gotta say- seeing that I read for that many hours makes me feel like maybe I'm an addict.
Is there a readers-anonymous?
12/14/11
2/11/11
yawned
Time yawns before me and behind me and I sit. And wait.
I dont know why I've put off talking about things or updating this damn blog. Every time I log on and read other peoples posts I feel like a sneak.
I guess I just don't have much to say that I'm not already saying out in the world. Which is good.
Or the only things I want to say are too scary and dark for me to face. Which is bad.
But at least the dark and scary is in the past and it less scary the longer I let it sit and chill out.
And the things I say to the world everyday are said with a smile and a laugh and an honesty I couldn't force myself to have when I was younger.
Being 27 has made me so wise. Apparently tonight in my mind I can do no wrong and am a genius.
And if my roommates eat the last of the bread and don't replace it I'm going to end up in jail.
I dont know why I've put off talking about things or updating this damn blog. Every time I log on and read other peoples posts I feel like a sneak.
I guess I just don't have much to say that I'm not already saying out in the world. Which is good.
Or the only things I want to say are too scary and dark for me to face. Which is bad.
But at least the dark and scary is in the past and it less scary the longer I let it sit and chill out.
And the things I say to the world everyday are said with a smile and a laugh and an honesty I couldn't force myself to have when I was younger.
Being 27 has made me so wise. Apparently tonight in my mind I can do no wrong and am a genius.
And if my roommates eat the last of the bread and don't replace it I'm going to end up in jail.
angered
DRAFT: 1/11/11
So apparently I have a temper.
Where I got it from I'm not sure- but the past few days I've just wanted to be violent. Yell, throw things, break something...
But I haven't. Instead I've just sat simmering and simmering and simmering... and tonight when I got home and we were out of milk and bread and any ingredient to make a full meal when I have been the only person for weeks to do the grocery shopping and nothing of what I bought is even left in the fridge-
Wait. Hold.
Deep breath.
Okay. So I'm annoyed. Obviously. I need something to cool my temper. More sleep. More healthy food and less time with my roomate.
That should do it.
So apparently I have a temper.
Where I got it from I'm not sure- but the past few days I've just wanted to be violent. Yell, throw things, break something...
But I haven't. Instead I've just sat simmering and simmering and simmering... and tonight when I got home and we were out of milk and bread and any ingredient to make a full meal when I have been the only person for weeks to do the grocery shopping and nothing of what I bought is even left in the fridge-
Wait. Hold.
Deep breath.
Okay. So I'm annoyed. Obviously. I need something to cool my temper. More sleep. More healthy food and less time with my roomate.
That should do it.
8/20/10
summertimed
DRAFT: 6/20/10
I love listening to music in my car with the windows down in the summertime- it reminds me of two important things that I love.
1) Driving around with my sister in her little VW bug
2) Driving around with Kris Leefers in her moms van
The best thing is that I don't mind being stuck in traffic nearly as much when the windows are down and bad summer anthems are on the radio.
I love listening to music in my car with the windows down in the summertime- it reminds me of two important things that I love.
1) Driving around with my sister in her little VW bug
2) Driving around with Kris Leefers in her moms van
The best thing is that I don't mind being stuck in traffic nearly as much when the windows are down and bad summer anthems are on the radio.
5/15/10
humbugged
A very long and winding rant about being poor and young and having a job among those that do not:
I am not a rich woman, in fact I'm rather poor. After taxes, bills, gas for my car and rent I'm pretty much broke bi-weekly. I have a very small budget for meals out, movies or groceries.
Not to say I'm struggling too much- I'm not, I make it by. I haven't gone negative in my bank account in a LONG time- but I have driven to and from work praying not to run out of gas more often than I'd like to admit because I just didn't have the money to get some.
Granted- that's what being young is about.
I'm just frustrated, though, I work hard for my paycheck every two weeks. I bust ass looking towards payday every two weeks...
I work a job I hate, I do well at it and I suck it up daily so I don't have to rely on anyone but myself (at least, that's the goal).
My friends, who I love dearly, are not in my shoes. Yes, they have bills and loans and cars that need gas- but many of them are grad students, and live off loans, many of them have been laid off and live off unemployment and many of them are just looking for work and live off odd jobs.
I am the only person out of all of my friends that have a true 9-5 job that has a guaranteed paycheck.
I know it is a blessing that I have work- any work in this economy, in this rough part of life. But sometimes I just cant see it that way.
My friends have time in their days to watch movies, make projects, hang out, create art, make films, make plans, see the sunshine... while I commute to and from work for 3+ hours a day and work there for 8 - 9 hours a day. Once I'm done with that I'm TIRED.
But I keep working. I do freelance jobs for sets, I consult for peoples films, I try to stay in touch with the film community and not disappear into my job...
I feel like they take that luxury for granted. I feel like every time they want to stay up until 3am to watch "Just ONE more" episode of breaking bad, or keep talking about "Why Rodriguez stole from Tarantino" or vice versa- I just want to scream and pull out my hair. I'm not trying to be party pooper, I'm I'm trying to tell you how to live your lives or be less fun guys. I'm just FUCKING EXHAUSTED.
Here's my daily schedule:
6:30am - Alarm goes off, Snooze Button
7:15am - Leave House
8:45/9:30am (Traffic dependent) - Arrive at work
4:45/5:45pm (work dependent, No lunch hour) - Leave work
6:00/7:30pm (Traffic Dependent) - Get Home
8:00pm - Cook dinner for me, joe and dave (sometimes order in)
8:30/9:30 - 1am - Work on whatever project I'm in the middle of/have meetings/watch TV/handle personal life
12/1am - Shower and Bed
You try it sometime.
This is my life 5 days a week. On weekends, I'm either making a film, prepping for a film or helping someone with their film. Once in a while, every couple months, I will work a night job. From 7pm to 7am I will be on set or working on a film and I will not sleep before my real job.That extra paycheck is sometimes just THAT needed, or the project that juicy where I cant turn down the work.
And when it comes to money. I'm no scrooge.
I get asked to loan people money all the time to cover their rent until their next check clears or they get paid next week or whatever the story is... and I do it. I can live without the $200 bucks for a couple days so you can not get evicted. I can eat old cereal for a week so you can cover the emergency car repairs you needed... I can help that way- as long as you pay me back, which I've never had a problem with.
My problem comes with the little stuff.
With gas station stops and grocery stores and dinners...
On birthdays, you split the birthday persons meal. It's JUST HOW IT WORKS. DONT COME TO DINNER IF YOU CANT SPLIT YOUR SHARE OF THE BIRTHDAY BOY/GIRLS MEAL.... Just don't.
And when it comes time for the check don't assume that I will cover your portion. That's jack-assery. Don't make jokes about how I am ms. moneybags because I have a fucking job. Don't make me feel like an asshole because you don't have one. You chose to come out. You said you could afford it. YOU MADE THAT DECISION.
And then the check comes and instead of even paying for YOUR share of the check, you lay a $20 or $30 bucks down and call it a night.
You know someone has to pay foe the rest of your meal, right? Someone is also going to pay your share of the tip., you know that right?
You know what that makes you?
An asshole. One I dont particularly want to be with.
Same with going to the movies. When someone puts all the tickets on their card so we can get tickets online pre-show, PAY THEM BACK. Don't just take the ticket, say thanks, and not pay them. Dont tell them "Oh, I'll get you back." Dont just ignore it. Bring cash. Dont be that guy. Whoever lays down the money upfront IS NOT YOUR MOM. FUCKING MAN UP AND PAY FOR YOURSELF OR DONT GO TO THE DAMN MOVIE. YOU BITCHED ABOUT NOT WANTING TO SEE AVATAR ANYWAY.
And grocery shopping. Don't get me started, honestly. Seriously. Dont get me started. Let me just sum up the guidelines for grocery shopping with others.
1) Come with a list, or at the very least a game plan. If you dont have one, you dont get a say.
2) If you are not paying, you dont get to pick a goddamn thing.
3) If you are splitting the bill you- pick things EVERYONE LIKES. No caviar for yourself, or soy milk because you prefer it, no personal items, no $40 bottles of liquor, no tofu burgers because your girlfriends a vegetarian. When you need something that isnt to be shared buy it your damn self. I'm not paying for half of it.
4) When we get to the check out be ready to pay your share.
5) At home, don't eat more than your share - or if you do, replace stuff. We bought 18 eggs on Monday, there should be some left so I can have a couple on Sunday... if there aren't any, pick some more up- don't ask me to do it- I might kill you.
I know I make money. I'm very sorry you dont have a job right now, whatever the reason. It sucks to not have work. I've been there.
But you know what? If you dont have a job, DONT GO OUT TO EAT. DONT GO TO THE MOVIES.
Shouldn't you be thinking about those things? Dont suggest seeing the newst Apatow film, suggest maybe, a picnic in the park. A hike. A game of lawn bowling. WHATEVER.
I never suggest things to do- because:
1) I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY MONEY
2) I DONT WANT YOU SPENDING MY MONEY FOR ME
3) I would honestly ideally just like to fall asleep on the couch most nights around 10pm. SO no, I don't want to go to the new club down the street and buy $16 drinks for everyone.
And lastly, if it's your turn to buy toilet paper, or laundry detergent or tin foil or whatever those little items are- I dont want to hear you bitching about how much they cost. I dont want you to go the dollar store and buy shitty stuff when for the last month we share the good stuff bought. I dont want to have you ask me to "Pick some up on the way home, I forgot to do it today- I'll pay you back."
I want YOU to do it. Pull your weight.
OR move back home with mom and dad where they will buy your charmin and your dial for you and you can bitch and moan to them all you like. I dont want to hear it.
I'm tired of it. I'm not your private loan center, secondary bank account or fall back plan.
Please stop treating me like I am. I know I've probably pulled you out of tight spot before- and I was happy to do it- but I'm not going to do it anymore.
I need to keep my feet under me. This month was a really close call, and tonight's Dinner debacle was the last straw.
I'm making a list of the things you owe me, people. And you're going to pay me back.
If that means you scrub my toilet and empty my dishwasher and do my laundry- or you hand me a wad of cash, BY GOD SO BE IT.
I'm tired. I'm really really tired. And you know why? Because I bust my ass 24/7 to make enough money for me to live and for me to carve the career I want for myself. I cant help you live your life anymore.
SO. I'm puttin' my foot down.
This teller is closed, please use another window. Have a nice day.
I am not a rich woman, in fact I'm rather poor. After taxes, bills, gas for my car and rent I'm pretty much broke bi-weekly. I have a very small budget for meals out, movies or groceries.
Not to say I'm struggling too much- I'm not, I make it by. I haven't gone negative in my bank account in a LONG time- but I have driven to and from work praying not to run out of gas more often than I'd like to admit because I just didn't have the money to get some.
Granted- that's what being young is about.
I'm just frustrated, though, I work hard for my paycheck every two weeks. I bust ass looking towards payday every two weeks...
I work a job I hate, I do well at it and I suck it up daily so I don't have to rely on anyone but myself (at least, that's the goal).
My friends, who I love dearly, are not in my shoes. Yes, they have bills and loans and cars that need gas- but many of them are grad students, and live off loans, many of them have been laid off and live off unemployment and many of them are just looking for work and live off odd jobs.
I am the only person out of all of my friends that have a true 9-5 job that has a guaranteed paycheck.
I know it is a blessing that I have work- any work in this economy, in this rough part of life. But sometimes I just cant see it that way.
My friends have time in their days to watch movies, make projects, hang out, create art, make films, make plans, see the sunshine... while I commute to and from work for 3+ hours a day and work there for 8 - 9 hours a day. Once I'm done with that I'm TIRED.
But I keep working. I do freelance jobs for sets, I consult for peoples films, I try to stay in touch with the film community and not disappear into my job...
I feel like they take that luxury for granted. I feel like every time they want to stay up until 3am to watch "Just ONE more" episode of breaking bad, or keep talking about "Why Rodriguez stole from Tarantino" or vice versa- I just want to scream and pull out my hair. I'm not trying to be party pooper, I'm I'm trying to tell you how to live your lives or be less fun guys. I'm just FUCKING EXHAUSTED.
Here's my daily schedule:
6:30am - Alarm goes off, Snooze Button
7:15am - Leave House
8:45/9:30am (Traffic dependent) - Arrive at work
4:45/5:45pm (work dependent, No lunch hour) - Leave work
6:00/7:30pm (Traffic Dependent) - Get Home
8:00pm - Cook dinner for me, joe and dave (sometimes order in)
8:30/9:30 - 1am - Work on whatever project I'm in the middle of/have meetings/watch TV/handle personal life
12/1am - Shower and Bed
You try it sometime.
This is my life 5 days a week. On weekends, I'm either making a film, prepping for a film or helping someone with their film. Once in a while, every couple months, I will work a night job. From 7pm to 7am I will be on set or working on a film and I will not sleep before my real job.That extra paycheck is sometimes just THAT needed, or the project that juicy where I cant turn down the work.
And when it comes to money. I'm no scrooge.
I get asked to loan people money all the time to cover their rent until their next check clears or they get paid next week or whatever the story is... and I do it. I can live without the $200 bucks for a couple days so you can not get evicted. I can eat old cereal for a week so you can cover the emergency car repairs you needed... I can help that way- as long as you pay me back, which I've never had a problem with.
My problem comes with the little stuff.
With gas station stops and grocery stores and dinners...
On birthdays, you split the birthday persons meal. It's JUST HOW IT WORKS. DONT COME TO DINNER IF YOU CANT SPLIT YOUR SHARE OF THE BIRTHDAY BOY/GIRLS MEAL.... Just don't.
And when it comes time for the check don't assume that I will cover your portion. That's jack-assery. Don't make jokes about how I am ms. moneybags because I have a fucking job. Don't make me feel like an asshole because you don't have one. You chose to come out. You said you could afford it. YOU MADE THAT DECISION.
And then the check comes and instead of even paying for YOUR share of the check, you lay a $20 or $30 bucks down and call it a night.
You know someone has to pay foe the rest of your meal, right? Someone is also going to pay your share of the tip., you know that right?
You know what that makes you?
An asshole. One I dont particularly want to be with.
Same with going to the movies. When someone puts all the tickets on their card so we can get tickets online pre-show, PAY THEM BACK. Don't just take the ticket, say thanks, and not pay them. Dont tell them "Oh, I'll get you back." Dont just ignore it. Bring cash. Dont be that guy. Whoever lays down the money upfront IS NOT YOUR MOM. FUCKING MAN UP AND PAY FOR YOURSELF OR DONT GO TO THE DAMN MOVIE. YOU BITCHED ABOUT NOT WANTING TO SEE AVATAR ANYWAY.
And grocery shopping. Don't get me started, honestly. Seriously. Dont get me started. Let me just sum up the guidelines for grocery shopping with others.
1) Come with a list, or at the very least a game plan. If you dont have one, you dont get a say.
2) If you are not paying, you dont get to pick a goddamn thing.
3) If you are splitting the bill you- pick things EVERYONE LIKES. No caviar for yourself, or soy milk because you prefer it, no personal items, no $40 bottles of liquor, no tofu burgers because your girlfriends a vegetarian. When you need something that isnt to be shared buy it your damn self. I'm not paying for half of it.
4) When we get to the check out be ready to pay your share.
5) At home, don't eat more than your share - or if you do, replace stuff. We bought 18 eggs on Monday, there should be some left so I can have a couple on Sunday... if there aren't any, pick some more up- don't ask me to do it- I might kill you.
I know I make money. I'm very sorry you dont have a job right now, whatever the reason. It sucks to not have work. I've been there.
But you know what? If you dont have a job, DONT GO OUT TO EAT. DONT GO TO THE MOVIES.
Shouldn't you be thinking about those things? Dont suggest seeing the newst Apatow film, suggest maybe, a picnic in the park. A hike. A game of lawn bowling. WHATEVER.
I never suggest things to do- because:
1) I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY MONEY
2) I DONT WANT YOU SPENDING MY MONEY FOR ME
3) I would honestly ideally just like to fall asleep on the couch most nights around 10pm. SO no, I don't want to go to the new club down the street and buy $16 drinks for everyone.
And lastly, if it's your turn to buy toilet paper, or laundry detergent or tin foil or whatever those little items are- I dont want to hear you bitching about how much they cost. I dont want you to go the dollar store and buy shitty stuff when for the last month we share the good stuff bought. I dont want to have you ask me to "Pick some up on the way home, I forgot to do it today- I'll pay you back."
I want YOU to do it. Pull your weight.
OR move back home with mom and dad where they will buy your charmin and your dial for you and you can bitch and moan to them all you like. I dont want to hear it.
I'm tired of it. I'm not your private loan center, secondary bank account or fall back plan.
Please stop treating me like I am. I know I've probably pulled you out of tight spot before- and I was happy to do it- but I'm not going to do it anymore.
I need to keep my feet under me. This month was a really close call, and tonight's Dinner debacle was the last straw.
I'm making a list of the things you owe me, people. And you're going to pay me back.
If that means you scrub my toilet and empty my dishwasher and do my laundry- or you hand me a wad of cash, BY GOD SO BE IT.
I'm tired. I'm really really tired. And you know why? Because I bust my ass 24/7 to make enough money for me to live and for me to carve the career I want for myself. I cant help you live your life anymore.
SO. I'm puttin' my foot down.
This teller is closed, please use another window. Have a nice day.
5/12/10
rambled
So time is flying yet again and this whole blogging thing is getting away from me. Everytime I think of something I want to write about I'm inevitably in my car... which is a shitty place to have ideas because I never have a pen, paper or the attention span to think about more than the dick-headed drivers on the road.
Needless to say, I've bee a little lax in my updating of this- but hello again dear reader.
Let me sum up the past few weeks/months/however long for you.
1) My job (the daytime one that I dread and still feel like doing well, no matter how tedious and hairpulling it my be sometimes):
Who's the Boss indeed.
They fucked me over a little and I've taken that as a sign that this job is going to be shorter than the majority of Joss Whedons TV ventures.
2) My apartment (I moved!)
Isnt my place cuuuuute?
I love the new place, living with Joe in basically a conod-type space with two master suites and a large kitchen and a decent sized living room.
Me and Joe at brunch!
We dont have TV but with the magic of technology we do have streaming netflix which might be the best invention ever. EVER.
We got to paint and decorate like mad. Love it.
3) Friends
Last year at this time I was starting to hang out with a little gaggle of people that eventually (over a bout six months) turned into my very own urban family. At this point, the fmaily has had a divorce that has still scarred the children.
Sure, we all still like one another, but we dont really talk about what happened. I look back at our cook outs and parties and move nights with fondness and a little bit of sadness because we were all amazed, even at the time, that we had found somethng so profoundly special.
Without going into gorey details, suffice it to say that we all went a little crazy on one another. Over worked, under slept, too much romance, too little sincerity, too much trust... or some combination of those things on all our parts.
And outside of all that messiness of the gang's break-up, I miss it. I miss going to things and goofing around and laughing my fricken face off and having a family here. I think seeing everyone content in what they are up to now is great- but it's not the same.
I guess I'm not as content. I miss having people I can count ono and call and spend time with. But I guess that's part of growing up, too. Another crappy part of it. Things change- like it or not, people change, too.
4) Me!
I'm 26 now, which I think I wrote an entry about... I'm dating a guy I like. I'm happy in this relationship. He makes me laugh til my face hurts and makes me feel warm and snuggly (and sexy... you know, like a lady). He's in grad school and just as busy as I am- so we spend a lot of our time together trying to hang out but end up napping on one another by accident.
Joe snapped a photo of us as we were trying to watch Little Britain but passed out instead...
I'm looking for a new job, or atleast playing with my resume enough in my sparse spare time that I'm convincing myself I'm actually looking.
I'm thinking about grad school, about just saying fuck-it and quitting my job to work freelance... I'm also thinking about my bills and my debt and blah blah blah.
Being reasonable and rational comes with age, I guess. A couple years ago I would have quit my job and flown off to try somethig new by now.
Instead I'm thinking about my utility bill and the fact that I'm going to need new break pads soon. Is that mature of me or what?
And also lame. how lame.
Figuring out what I want to do from here with life is weird. It's like I'm ready for change but too scared and busy and tired to really put anything into motion... and honestly, I dont even know what I really want anymore.
So I guess that's step one- figure out what I want. Step two- make it so. (Thank you Picard.)
5) Saksas
My cousins came to visit me! It was wonderful and as expected a little awkward.
But I love them. They are growing up to be quite the smartass little genius' that I suspected they might.
At the Hollywood Sign Grass Bowl with Dave and Steph
6) Film
I've been working freelance and as a volunteer on a number of movies... and it's been great. I've missed doing it. I designed a couple short films and have been trying to put together some music videos.
A scene I designed from a recent film
I really want to pursue making more movies... I love it and I miss it when I'm not doing it. I should take more photos of my work, though. I'm terrible about it. All my portfolio stuffs are from others that give me records. I really should do better- and I will. I'm totally about working more, no matter the crazy hours or the little sleep... this morning I got up at 4:30 to be on set before I went to my day job for nine hours and it was worth it.
Sadly, thats my life right now. Bustin' ass, taking names and getting sleep when I can. I guess that's not so sad- and maybe I do have more direction for my future than I thought.
7) That is all I have to say for today. End Transmission.
Needless to say, I've bee a little lax in my updating of this- but hello again dear reader.
Let me sum up the past few weeks/months/however long for you.
1) My job (the daytime one that I dread and still feel like doing well, no matter how tedious and hairpulling it my be sometimes):
Who's the Boss indeed.
They fucked me over a little and I've taken that as a sign that this job is going to be shorter than the majority of Joss Whedons TV ventures.
2) My apartment (I moved!)
Isnt my place cuuuuute?
I love the new place, living with Joe in basically a conod-type space with two master suites and a large kitchen and a decent sized living room.
Me and Joe at brunch!
We dont have TV but with the magic of technology we do have streaming netflix which might be the best invention ever. EVER.
We got to paint and decorate like mad. Love it.
3) Friends
Last year at this time I was starting to hang out with a little gaggle of people that eventually (over a bout six months) turned into my very own urban family. At this point, the fmaily has had a divorce that has still scarred the children.
Sure, we all still like one another, but we dont really talk about what happened. I look back at our cook outs and parties and move nights with fondness and a little bit of sadness because we were all amazed, even at the time, that we had found somethng so profoundly special.
Without going into gorey details, suffice it to say that we all went a little crazy on one another. Over worked, under slept, too much romance, too little sincerity, too much trust... or some combination of those things on all our parts.
And outside of all that messiness of the gang's break-up, I miss it. I miss going to things and goofing around and laughing my fricken face off and having a family here. I think seeing everyone content in what they are up to now is great- but it's not the same.
I guess I'm not as content. I miss having people I can count ono and call and spend time with. But I guess that's part of growing up, too. Another crappy part of it. Things change- like it or not, people change, too.
4) Me!
I'm 26 now, which I think I wrote an entry about... I'm dating a guy I like. I'm happy in this relationship. He makes me laugh til my face hurts and makes me feel warm and snuggly (and sexy... you know, like a lady). He's in grad school and just as busy as I am- so we spend a lot of our time together trying to hang out but end up napping on one another by accident.
Joe snapped a photo of us as we were trying to watch Little Britain but passed out instead...
I'm looking for a new job, or atleast playing with my resume enough in my sparse spare time that I'm convincing myself I'm actually looking.
I'm thinking about grad school, about just saying fuck-it and quitting my job to work freelance... I'm also thinking about my bills and my debt and blah blah blah.
Being reasonable and rational comes with age, I guess. A couple years ago I would have quit my job and flown off to try somethig new by now.
Instead I'm thinking about my utility bill and the fact that I'm going to need new break pads soon. Is that mature of me or what?
And also lame. how lame.
Figuring out what I want to do from here with life is weird. It's like I'm ready for change but too scared and busy and tired to really put anything into motion... and honestly, I dont even know what I really want anymore.
So I guess that's step one- figure out what I want. Step two- make it so. (Thank you Picard.)
5) Saksas
My cousins came to visit me! It was wonderful and as expected a little awkward.
But I love them. They are growing up to be quite the smartass little genius' that I suspected they might.
At the Hollywood Sign Grass Bowl with Dave and Steph
6) Film
I've been working freelance and as a volunteer on a number of movies... and it's been great. I've missed doing it. I designed a couple short films and have been trying to put together some music videos.
A scene I designed from a recent film
I really want to pursue making more movies... I love it and I miss it when I'm not doing it. I should take more photos of my work, though. I'm terrible about it. All my portfolio stuffs are from others that give me records. I really should do better- and I will. I'm totally about working more, no matter the crazy hours or the little sleep... this morning I got up at 4:30 to be on set before I went to my day job for nine hours and it was worth it.
Sadly, thats my life right now. Bustin' ass, taking names and getting sleep when I can. I guess that's not so sad- and maybe I do have more direction for my future than I thought.
7) That is all I have to say for today. End Transmission.
3/31/10
empathized
I realized I have all these drafted blogs in my home page and thought... why didn't I post these? So here they are. Incomplete thoughts from some other day.
DRAFT: 3/31/10
Today my intern came into the office crying... and not like, dramatic crying. She was crying and trying not to- and jeez. It pulled my heart strings.
It's so interesting to have gotten to know her, in a weird mentor-ish way. Who knew I would ever be in this position?
DRAFT: 3/31/10
Today my intern came into the office crying... and not like, dramatic crying. She was crying and trying not to- and jeez. It pulled my heart strings.
It's so interesting to have gotten to know her, in a weird mentor-ish way. Who knew I would ever be in this position?
3/5/10
fought
Fighting for something you believe in or something you want is hard. And exhausting... and sometimes failing happens.
But damn. DAMN. It hurts to lose.
Sitting at my desk with a cry face is not how I wanted to start my weekend.
At all.
I guess I just have to remember that when I get the win it's all worth it. I just need to pick battles that I'm not always fighting alone.
Stupid damn mother fucking fuck.
golly.
But damn. DAMN. It hurts to lose.
Sitting at my desk with a cry face is not how I wanted to start my weekend.
At all.
I guess I just have to remember that when I get the win it's all worth it. I just need to pick battles that I'm not always fighting alone.
Stupid damn mother fucking fuck.
golly.
3/2/10
ruined
You know when you have something really important to you that you dont want to fuck it up?
How come it's those things that always get fucked up? That pair of shoes you were so careful with? Of course it rained when you wore them. That report you were so proud of? Of course you forget to spell check the coverpage. That person you wanted to stick around? Of course they have somewhere else they need to be.
Atleast you had a hours wearing the shoes before the downpour, the pride when you were printing the damn report and the time you got to spend with mr. awesome.
Sometimes it's just impossible to see around the hurt and the loss to the good stuff. Which sucks. 'Casue who wants to sit at their computer and write about the sad stuff? I would love to sit here and tell you about the shoes and the report and the guy... and all the wonderfulness about them.
At the moment I just cant remember any of the good.
For some reason this movie is stuck in my head:
Tracy: (To her father) How do I look?
Mr. Lord: Like a queen - like a goddess.
Tracy: And do you know how I feel?
Mr. Lord: How?
Tracy: Like a human. Like a human being.
How come it's those things that always get fucked up? That pair of shoes you were so careful with? Of course it rained when you wore them. That report you were so proud of? Of course you forget to spell check the coverpage. That person you wanted to stick around? Of course they have somewhere else they need to be.
Atleast you had a hours wearing the shoes before the downpour, the pride when you were printing the damn report and the time you got to spend with mr. awesome.
Sometimes it's just impossible to see around the hurt and the loss to the good stuff. Which sucks. 'Casue who wants to sit at their computer and write about the sad stuff? I would love to sit here and tell you about the shoes and the report and the guy... and all the wonderfulness about them.
At the moment I just cant remember any of the good.
For some reason this movie is stuck in my head:
Tracy: (To her father) How do I look?
Mr. Lord: Like a queen - like a goddess.
Tracy: And do you know how I feel?
Mr. Lord: How?
Tracy: Like a human. Like a human being.
2/16/10
brothered
My brother called me today just to talk and laugh about nothing and everything. For the first time in over a year and fucking fuck it feels good.
I am crying I am so happy. Stupid girl hormones making everything teary.
Dear Tom:
Took you long enough, you little turdface... I'm sorry it didnt happen sooner. I missed you.
Love,
You Big Sister
I am crying I am so happy. Stupid girl hormones making everything teary.
Dear Tom:
Took you long enough, you little turdface... I'm sorry it didnt happen sooner. I missed you.
Love,
You Big Sister
1/20/10
loved
There is something about a rainy day that makes me live inside my head. To think about things I'd left for, well, quite literally a rainy day.
Today I went through old emails... from year ago up until today. E-mails for one reason or another that I had put in a saved folder. Emails about my family, emails about my cousins landing an acting gig, peoples updated address or phone numbers, love letters, hate letters, recommendation letters...
I read through each one.
There are so many people in my past that I have loved. I mean, Loved with a capital L. Loved and treated well, loved and hurt, loved and forgot, loved and still can’t forget.
It is both painful and heartwarming to know that people who I loved or had in my life one way or another are still in there... still tucked into a corner of my gmail and into a corner of my heart.
Love is a strange thing. The evolution of it.
I guess the best thing I have to say for it is that if I love you, I will always love you - in one way or another. I love my bunkmate from Blue Lake (Beezus), I love Paul Weatherford, I love Maurizzio, I love Dan Walshaw, I love my second grade best friend Patricia... and in a weird and full circle way, I love Jimmy.
Honestly, it's something I didn’t know how to say- but now that I'm more settled and have a life of my own and a job and hobbies and friends... there are things I reflect on with a smile when Jimmy pops into my head. There are things that I am proud of, there are things that I miss.
Maybe someday, a very distant someday I will be able to tell Jimmy that. That when I said I love you, I did mean forever.
Maybe I should call everyone I've ever loved and tell them that.
While the kind of love switches and changes and rolls around in your heart- it doesn’t mean it's less. It doesn’t mean it stops. It's still there. It's just a different kind of love. It's like Edward says, "There are as many kinds of love as there are moments in time."
I used to want to think I was saving my love for those who deserve it, for those who would never hurt me or leave me or disrespect me... but what the hell. Have it. You cant have me, maybe- but my love isn’t going anywhere.
So- Here's the deal, you.
I love you. I miss you. Even if I don’t ever speak to you again, which is unlikely, I love you.
And I don’t care if you love me back. Me loving you is something you can’t choose, or control or make stop- there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.
Not one thing.
Today I went through old emails... from year ago up until today. E-mails for one reason or another that I had put in a saved folder. Emails about my family, emails about my cousins landing an acting gig, peoples updated address or phone numbers, love letters, hate letters, recommendation letters...
I read through each one.
There are so many people in my past that I have loved. I mean, Loved with a capital L. Loved and treated well, loved and hurt, loved and forgot, loved and still can’t forget.
It is both painful and heartwarming to know that people who I loved or had in my life one way or another are still in there... still tucked into a corner of my gmail and into a corner of my heart.
Love is a strange thing. The evolution of it.
I guess the best thing I have to say for it is that if I love you, I will always love you - in one way or another. I love my bunkmate from Blue Lake (Beezus), I love Paul Weatherford, I love Maurizzio, I love Dan Walshaw, I love my second grade best friend Patricia... and in a weird and full circle way, I love Jimmy.
Honestly, it's something I didn’t know how to say- but now that I'm more settled and have a life of my own and a job and hobbies and friends... there are things I reflect on with a smile when Jimmy pops into my head. There are things that I am proud of, there are things that I miss.
Maybe someday, a very distant someday I will be able to tell Jimmy that. That when I said I love you, I did mean forever.
Maybe I should call everyone I've ever loved and tell them that.
While the kind of love switches and changes and rolls around in your heart- it doesn’t mean it's less. It doesn’t mean it stops. It's still there. It's just a different kind of love. It's like Edward says, "There are as many kinds of love as there are moments in time."
I used to want to think I was saving my love for those who deserve it, for those who would never hurt me or leave me or disrespect me... but what the hell. Have it. You cant have me, maybe- but my love isn’t going anywhere.
So- Here's the deal, you.
I love you. I miss you. Even if I don’t ever speak to you again, which is unlikely, I love you.
And I don’t care if you love me back. Me loving you is something you can’t choose, or control or make stop- there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.
Not one thing.
12/13/09
aged
Today I turn 26.
Today is a good day
Looking back at last years post is kind of bitter and kind of sweet- but I wouldn't call it bittersweet. That word makes think that there is some sort of longing for what has been or had been- and I don't feel that.
I feel like the things I have done and learned in the past year have made me realize I don't know anything about anything. And I kind of like it that way.
I'm happy the majority of the time and I have the most wonderful people surrounding me. Granted, sometimes I want to throttle them- but that's our little urban family. We love one another and are good to one another and I feel safe. And that is a good feeling.
I miss my family, though. I miss them in my life they way things used to be- so in that I supposed there is some bittersweetness to it.
If, Then kicks in and it's all back to now.
So now.
I'm 26. I'm enjoying atleast 50% of everday and I'm ready for 2010.
I'm ready for what is next.
Love, Kate
Today is a good day
Looking back at last years post is kind of bitter and kind of sweet- but I wouldn't call it bittersweet. That word makes think that there is some sort of longing for what has been or had been- and I don't feel that.
I feel like the things I have done and learned in the past year have made me realize I don't know anything about anything. And I kind of like it that way.
I'm happy the majority of the time and I have the most wonderful people surrounding me. Granted, sometimes I want to throttle them- but that's our little urban family. We love one another and are good to one another and I feel safe. And that is a good feeling.
I miss my family, though. I miss them in my life they way things used to be- so in that I supposed there is some bittersweetness to it.
If, Then kicks in and it's all back to now.
So now.
I'm 26. I'm enjoying atleast 50% of everday and I'm ready for 2010.
I'm ready for what is next.
Love, Kate
10/6/09
laughed
Sometimes I am just so fucking happy I feel like Katherine Hepburn at the end of Holiday... and then I realize that in that movie she is crazy and manic. Albeit entertaining and very fun.
I'm kinda in this place where no matter how shitty I feel, how ugly I think life is, how stressful and tense things can get- I just laugh. And brush it off. And power through. And all those cliche phrases for like, not letting yourself be brought down by bullshit.
I don't know if you know this, but that's what this all is: Bullshit.
Every second of everyday, save the very few in your life that really matter- Like when you have a kid burst forth from your fruitful womb, or teach that deaf person the sign for water, or invent the next SHAMWOW sensation, or pull that burning bus off an elderly lady on the freeway...
The rest is BS, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.
It's BS when you feel stressed out because of traffic or because your boss might be upset that you'll be late. It's BS when you feel guilt because of some illogical notion that you should, it's BS when you don't eat/drink/do something because of some sense of should.
I could go on and on... but I wont. To save you from my ranting.
Anyway, the point is that things are good.
It's nice to lay in bed with someone who makes me laugh so hard.
It's nice to enjoy both the simple bodily function funny and the complex had-to-have-heard-that-one-thing-on-NPR-last-week funny.
It's nice to have friends I can sit around a table with and make laugh until we all feel like puking.
It's nice to be cheerful without effort and be happy to just be.
It's different and seriously, wonderfully, idiotically happily ever after.
Which is ironic. And still... makes me laugh.
This isn't the happily ever after I was expecting. But damn. Sometimes I feel so humbled by it. And then I realize: HEY!! Fuck that. Lucky my ass. I deserve this shit. Why wouldn't I?
(This is the point where you aren't judging me for being a prick, but saying to yourself, 'Hey! I deserve it too! I'm gonna go get some-o that Happy for myself!' And then you get up from your computer and go get it. Bypassing all the bullshit and crap and just seizing that mother fucking day!)
Hey, at the very least, I think I'm hysterical... so there's that.
I'm kinda in this place where no matter how shitty I feel, how ugly I think life is, how stressful and tense things can get- I just laugh. And brush it off. And power through. And all those cliche phrases for like, not letting yourself be brought down by bullshit.
I don't know if you know this, but that's what this all is: Bullshit.
Every second of everyday, save the very few in your life that really matter- Like when you have a kid burst forth from your fruitful womb, or teach that deaf person the sign for water, or invent the next SHAMWOW sensation, or pull that burning bus off an elderly lady on the freeway...
The rest is BS, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.
It's BS when you feel stressed out because of traffic or because your boss might be upset that you'll be late. It's BS when you feel guilt because of some illogical notion that you should, it's BS when you don't eat/drink/do something because of some sense of should.
I could go on and on... but I wont. To save you from my ranting.
Anyway, the point is that things are good.
It's nice to lay in bed with someone who makes me laugh so hard.
It's nice to enjoy both the simple bodily function funny and the complex had-to-have-heard-that-one-thing-on-NPR-last-week funny.
It's nice to have friends I can sit around a table with and make laugh until we all feel like puking.
It's nice to be cheerful without effort and be happy to just be.
It's different and seriously, wonderfully, idiotically happily ever after.
Which is ironic. And still... makes me laugh.
This isn't the happily ever after I was expecting. But damn. Sometimes I feel so humbled by it. And then I realize: HEY!! Fuck that. Lucky my ass. I deserve this shit. Why wouldn't I?
(This is the point where you aren't judging me for being a prick, but saying to yourself, 'Hey! I deserve it too! I'm gonna go get some-o that Happy for myself!' And then you get up from your computer and go get it. Bypassing all the bullshit and crap and just seizing that mother fucking day!)
Hey, at the very least, I think I'm hysterical... so there's that.
9/11/09
leveled
I have been afraid to blog for a couple months, now. To really blog and say anything worth saying. I doubt I'll even do that now, but I know it's important to get over the anxiety of it... which is a wierd thing. Blogging anxiety.
I guess this is a good first attempt.
Whew.
I guess this is a good first attempt.
Whew.
6/8/09
super
Lots of girls (maybe that's sexist, but I think it's the ugly truth) grow up thinking that there is someone outthere who can save them from unhappiness, from tight spots, from danger, from lonliness, from worry...
People imagine that a parent, a baby, a superhero, a boss, a brother- can fix those things- can somehow help you when you need it. Give you a break, lend you money, make you happy, give you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold...
But you know what I've learned?
You have to be your own hero. You have to be brave enough and strong enough and clear headed enough when the chips are down to be your own saviour.
Because, really- no matter how good it feels to cry on that shoulder or borrow that money, no matter how easy it is to solve your problems that way, YOU never really solve them.
And maybe this is a bitter thing to say, but when it comes down to it- no matter who you are or what situation you're in, all you have is you.
While harsh and cold and lonely sometimes- it's also really really important to remember.
I mean, it's romatic and wonderful to know you have friends, family and loved ones that will care for you, help you- that YOU can help in return... but in the end, in the very end- we're alone.
In the past few months I've tried more and more to rely on me. To know I can figure it out, work it out, make it to the other side... and while it's been a struggle and I'm not anywhere near the top of this enormous climb I'm doing my best.
And honestly, who can ask for anything more out of themselves?
Life is confusing. This year so far has been a steep decline and I'm trying to be Superman underneath the crashing airplane keeping it from hitting the ground at 1000 miles and hour.
I'm doing pretty good. I might even be able to get the damn thing back into the air someday. Right now I'm working on keeping it from being reduced to a char mark on the cement.
I think that's a pretty decent goal for someone who is new at this whole self-superhero thing.
People imagine that a parent, a baby, a superhero, a boss, a brother- can fix those things- can somehow help you when you need it. Give you a break, lend you money, make you happy, give you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold...
But you know what I've learned?
You have to be your own hero. You have to be brave enough and strong enough and clear headed enough when the chips are down to be your own saviour.
Because, really- no matter how good it feels to cry on that shoulder or borrow that money, no matter how easy it is to solve your problems that way, YOU never really solve them.
And maybe this is a bitter thing to say, but when it comes down to it- no matter who you are or what situation you're in, all you have is you.
While harsh and cold and lonely sometimes- it's also really really important to remember.
I mean, it's romatic and wonderful to know you have friends, family and loved ones that will care for you, help you- that YOU can help in return... but in the end, in the very end- we're alone.
In the past few months I've tried more and more to rely on me. To know I can figure it out, work it out, make it to the other side... and while it's been a struggle and I'm not anywhere near the top of this enormous climb I'm doing my best.
And honestly, who can ask for anything more out of themselves?
Life is confusing. This year so far has been a steep decline and I'm trying to be Superman underneath the crashing airplane keeping it from hitting the ground at 1000 miles and hour.
I'm doing pretty good. I might even be able to get the damn thing back into the air someday. Right now I'm working on keeping it from being reduced to a char mark on the cement.
I think that's a pretty decent goal for someone who is new at this whole self-superhero thing.
3/20/09
erased
I wrote a really long post about what is going on and then erased it.
There is nothing I need to say about it.
I failed alot this year so far and I'm getting help. I got a new job and it is pretty great. My life keeps changing and the people that dont support me I can love without needing approval or understanding. I can love and not submit.
I thought for a long time that I would prefer it if I could erase the past three years... and now, I really really dont. I'm not "happy" per se- but I know that I can be, that I will be, and it will be healthy.
And you know what? It's sunny today. My hair is clean(ish). This is a new job and challenge. I'm ready to work hard.
There is nothing I need to say about it.
I failed alot this year so far and I'm getting help. I got a new job and it is pretty great. My life keeps changing and the people that dont support me I can love without needing approval or understanding. I can love and not submit.
I thought for a long time that I would prefer it if I could erase the past three years... and now, I really really dont. I'm not "happy" per se- but I know that I can be, that I will be, and it will be healthy.
And you know what? It's sunny today. My hair is clean(ish). This is a new job and challenge. I'm ready to work hard.
2/23/09
cleansed
This week I am determined to cleanse myself of all these negative feelings and dark clouds above my head. I refuse to go down that unhappy path again.
1-9. Relax, take it one step at a time.
10. Scrub.
11. Lather.
12. Rinse.
13. No repeat necissary.
Maybe my family wont understand, maybe they will. Maybe my friends will get it and maybe they wont. I dont care anymore.
I love them all and I know what is best for me in life.
I just hope I have the guts to stand up for Kate when I need it most.
1-9. Relax, take it one step at a time.
10. Scrub.
11. Lather.
12. Rinse.
13. No repeat necissary.
Maybe my family wont understand, maybe they will. Maybe my friends will get it and maybe they wont. I dont care anymore.
I love them all and I know what is best for me in life.
I just hope I have the guts to stand up for Kate when I need it most.
2/18/09
shot
This past weekend we shot the pilot episode for our webisode series.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
pushed
I dont know anything about anything anymore.
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
2/6/09
pranked
Today was the first day in a month long temp. assignment. My day went like this:
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
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