bled

Today I got a nosebleed. In retrospect, I've never had a nosebleed that didnt lead the bad things. I really dont get nosebleeds very often, but they are memorable when I do...


Let me recount my past nosebleeds as far back as I can remember them.

1991:
Location- STA Elementary School, 3rd Grade
Age- 8

I was sitting in my classroom taking a test on my multiplication tables (the 2's) and suddenly a bright wet crimson drop fell onto my paper. My teacher took my test and made me start over.

Later that week my mother and brother got into a car accident and changed my course of my childhood.

1994:
Location- Hiawatha Elementary, 5th Grade
Age- 10

I was playing my violin (before I switched to viola) during the famed 5th grade strings, standing next to Claire Anderson, when I felt my nose get kind of cold. I set my violin down to get a tissue to avoid boogery embarrassments and a surge of blood sploshed onto my violin with a patter and onto Claire's shoes.

Later that day I peed my pants on the playground and pretended that I fell in a puddle. My mother brought me replacement clothes... plaid pants with suspenders. Why we had these pants, I'll never know. For a fifth grader it was the most embarrassing thing possible. Bleeding + Pee + Suspenders = memorably terrible day

1997:
Location- My house, 7th Grade
Age- 13

I was home sick with strep throat and I'd been sitting watching bad kids TV all day ("Allegras Window", anyone?). My mom was upstairs doing laundry (AMAZING!). The pillow under my head began to gradually feel wet, I thought my eyes were watering or something. Little did I know that my nose was steadily dripping blood.

Turns out that after cleaning up my nose debacle, my mother found the report card I'd hidden (stupidly) in my closet. Probably the most trouble I'd ever been in. At thirteen I was officially an idiot, things don't change much.


2000:
Location- Kate's House, 11th Grade
Age- 16

I was in a wonderfully bad play called "The Great All American Musical Disaster" (Which Angelaboration referred to in her last post) and I'd been in terrible trouble with my parents for failing Spanish (Sadly, I also failed it my Junior year. I, in no way, have ever been a good academic... ever). When my parents became aware of my D- in Spanish, my parents were debating pulling me from all my extra curriculars to make me concentrate on my classes. During the inevitable parental lectures about responsibility and idiocy- my nose started to ooze blood. My Dad accused me of making it bleed to get out of being yelled at. He kept yelling at me and made me use a kitchen towel to mop up my face.

My parents didn't make me quit the play, but they did call my teachers every day for the rest of the year to check up on me... it sucked. Also, they banned me from using the computer, TV, video games, phone or reading books that were for fun and not school. I'm not sure which was worse.


2004: Chicago, Summer Junior Year
Age: 20

Jimmy and I had been dating for awhile and I was sitting at my computer writing a paper. My nose started to drip, landing on my key board with a big red splotch.

Sadly, this nosebleed ended with Jimmy and I breaking up that night. Oddly enough, about two months later I got a nosebleed while I was sleeping and the next weekend Jimmy and I got back together.


2008: Dallas, Post all schooling
Age: 24

Today, in my car on the way home. And then AGAIN on the way home from dinner.

I've gotten two nosebleeds in one day. TWO. I'm double damned. Or maybe I'm double negatived? I hope the latter of the two. I don't know that getting in trouble with my mom and dad is so scary anymore... they cant ban me from TV anymore. Ha!

So what is the equivalent for an "adult" to being in trouble with your parents? Am in for double that, or am I in for something awesome?



Beware of the curse of the nosebleed.

work

Okay- so I've been a terrible blogger since I started this blog oh so long ago... I've decided that I'm going to be better. I'm going to blog about my life more often, about my job, about my thoughts and plans.

I really wish I were keeping better track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember how I felt, what I thought about things, myself, politics, work, family, Jimmy... life only happens once and my memory isn't as good as I'd like. The things I remember are garbled and half dream so often that I really don't want to leave all my recollections with my brain. Instead I'd like them written somewhere that can never be lost and it seems like the Internet is the only thing I know that can never forget.

So here goes a non-new years resolution. I will write more blogs. In fact- I will write twice a week or so and document my life better. I wont resolve to write about anything in particular- but I do resolve to write.



thus the following excerpt from my life:



I currently hate my co-worker and co-teacher, lets call her C. She is an idiot. She is the kind of person who makes us all stupider by procreating. She is terrible at her job. She is one of those people that complains about everything, is a tedious one-upper and gives everyone terrible and unsolicited advice.

She is the root of the problem in America. I don't know how she has made it this far in life without being hit by a bus or driving off the edge of something steep. Sadly I feel bad for her. It's a horrible catch 22 where one minute I'm determined to get her fired and crushed like a bug and the next I feel like I'd only be upset if I did so- since she is seriously pathetic.


She refuses to change diapers, watch the playground, teach lessons, clean the classroom, do paperwork, play with the kids...

Her favorite and ONLY activities include plating lunch and telling parents how to raise their children. It's infuriating.

The parents hate her. Quita (my awesomely named hard-working co-worker) hates her. The other teachers hate her. The kids cry and when she (rarely) tries to comfort them, they scream even louder making me think that they hate her too. I see her do ridiculous things and I'm torn as to whether or not she's seriously deranged or seriously insipid.


My dilemma is that she is a mother of a six year old, she's under weight by about fifty pounds and she's poor enough that she cant driver her car to and from work.

I'd hate to get her fired, but 13 seventeen month-olds in one room, pushing and biting and yelling is too much chaos for one person to handle. I need a co-teacher that is mentally and physically there everyday. I'm tired of the kids hurting one another and not getting through the whole lesson plan because they are too out of control.

I've asked the administration to talk to her (and they have, twice) and there has been no change...

Friday she got on my very last nerve and also put my class in danger.

See, in my classroom there are very low kids tables for lunch etc. and the kids sometimes try to climb on top of them. They are incorrigible. You say, "No" and they just smile at you while they continue to do it. They laugh and it's hard to be mad... anyway- I was doing the 10:30 diaper change and the kids were all climbing on the table. It was "C's" job to be watching them and occupying them with reading time on the carpet.

Instead she was holding her favorite kid and playing only with them while the other 12 kids just ran wild.

Now, generally when my hands arent full of diaper- I take the class and do an activity, art, music, blocks, colors... whatever and keep them ALL occupied instead of just one or two of them interested I keep them all involved (and out of trouble).

(I also do all the cleaning...)


Instead, C ignored them all climbing on the table and started just yelling at them. Then when they kept climbing up there and laughing she didn't distract them with a game, or a book or toys- she started screaming at them.

Then she lost her cool and took two of the kids on the table and tipped them head down off the table so their faces were inches from the ground and hung them there. They, of course started crying and trying to get free- and she said this:

"See, that's what you get when you disobey Ms.C." Then she turned her back and left them hanging off the edge of the table.

I told my boss I needed to speak with her and she brushed me off until Monday when I'm not sure what to say besides, you need to review the tape of our classroom at 10:34am from Friday. (There is a video feed from the room for the parents to watch their kids "grow" while they are at work)

And see what she does from there.

I'm still torn- but the latter side is so much heavier. She doesn't need to be working with kids. She needs to be working with groceries.

I'm surprised that I'm so angry still, just writing this. It's silly, but serious, and confusing and not...

I don't know. Do you?


ps.

taught

In the past few weeks I've been very very busy. My new job as a teacher at a preschool is both time consuming and exhausting. I half love it, half wish I were doing anything but this...

But by the third day of work the little munchkins in my class had wormed their way into my heart and I was hooked on their easy laughter and big adoring eyes.

I have thirteen 12 - 18 month olds in my class. The age where their parents still think they are babies, but they (almost all) walk, talk and learn so quickly it's mind blowing. They are fascinating, and lovable and they make everyday of a stinking job wonderful.

There is Reese, Reece, Jonathan, Caroline, Blake, Greyson, Tristan, Christian, Trenton, Katie, Bryce, Aiden & Taylor...

Although this week Caroline, Blake, Aiden and Greyson moved into the big kid class and I got new students (Caitlyn, Hudson, Jackson and McKinley)

This coming week I'm losing Katie and Jonathan and getting two new mystery students...

It's weird. These kids spend 40+ hours a week at the so-called preschool/day care/ "Development Center" with me nurturing them... I see them from 7:00am until 6:30pm almost everyday and it's really easy to get attached to them.

I've seen a number of first steps, first words, first sentences. I've taught them how to do things, how to play, how to eat solid food... it's pretty amazing, and at the same time, it's heart breaking. These kids just need someone supporting them, teaching them and loving them- somehow these parents are in situations where they can pay 30,000+ a year for preschool but cannot afford to spend any of that time with their kids.

It's hard to imagine or have sympathy for them. These kids are terrific and they deserve to have mommy and daddy want to be there when they take their first step, or make the correlation between cow's and moo-ing. It sounds trite and silly... but it's an eye opening job. It's hard to explain, but I feel like a changed person having seen the things I've seen.


Perspective is a tricky thing.

eclipsed

I don't have words for the feeling that is building so I'm going to borrow others.





Children run so fast/Toward the future/From the past/There they stand/Making footprints in the sand/And forever, hand in hand...
-Ragtime



"We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom."
- Anonymous


"To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright."
-?

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
-A. Camus



"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."
-K. Nair



"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-Buddha




Tonight was the lunar eclipse. I remember the last one I saw and it has been imprinted in me as one of the most serene and awed moments of my growing up. Tonight's was just as amazing and it made me miss my sister and remember how tangible wonder can be.




I am so close to the wood's edge that I can see the moon clearly- all I need is to take those few steps to be back into myself again. I am terrified and energized and so blissfully happy to be where I am at.

sidetracked

Amidst all this doctoring and getting better and finding Kate in a Kateless world I've been sidetracked into my own littleness and the orb that surrounds me moment to moment.


Today I made a resolution (prompted by one of my doctors) that I must do the following things everyday:

1. Leave the house
2. Go to the gym (get exercise)
3. Talk to someone outside my family
4. Be brave
5. Stop worrying

On top of the doctor's (other) orders, this is a lot of doctors orders:

1. No Caffeine
2. No Sugar
3. No Carbs
4. No non-organic products
5. No non-hormonal products
6. Take Omega 3 Fish Oil (x2 Daily, in Natural Lemon Flavor! Yum!!)
7. Take Vessel Care (x2 Daily)
8. Take Zinc (x2 Daily)
9. Take Selenium (x1 Daily)
10. Take Meta-I 3 C (x2 Daily)
11. Take Multigenics Intensive Care Supplements (x2 Daily)
12. Take Zertec D (x2 Daily)
13. Take Atavan (x2 Daily)
14. Take Ambien CR for sleep
15. Drink Water
16. Must have at least 1 Serving of Soy a day
17. No Liquor
18. No Salt
19. No Chocolate
20. No Fatty foods (No Butte or anything containing butter)
21. No Cured meats (ex: No ham)
22. No artificial sweeteners



On top of this my doctor told me that my portions should also be reduced... I said NO to that.

If all I can eat is nuts, twigs and bark then I'm going to eat all the goddamn bark I fucking want. Got that DOC?  


Although- there really isn't anything satisfying about any of the food I'm allowed to have so I really find myself eating "about a deck of card or less" sized portion of anything.

It's aggravating. The one thing I try to rebel on and I cant...





To give my doctors some credit, I do feel better. MUCH better than I did, at least... and that is something.



I am finding Kate even though I'm eating lots of well... I'm not really eating lots of anything. I'm finding Kate regardless of what's on the menu.



It's been over two weeks on this new life plan and while it's all hurrah for me and what-not- I hope that in the near future that an "organic" company comes out with a delicious tasting Chicken Noodle soup. So far I've tried three that tasted like wet tuna, onions or air... there's got to be a tasty organic soup out there. If this is supposed to stick for the rest of my life then I'm going to need to re-negotiate with the soup makers in this world.

lit

It's flickering, but it's lit.


I'm doing my best. Things will work out. I will work out.


Jimmy is Jimmy.

I am me.



My life is still so unused...






I have hope though, it's a small little candle- but I'm not going to let it go out.

dark

Warning: This post took me about two hours to press the "Publish Post" button on this entry.



Things can change so quickly, I hope tomorrow is one of those days that spin everything on it's ass again and the dice come out of the cup in a yatzee.

I could use that.





Since there are like, three people I know that read this blog I am going to confess some things that I'm not sure I want to talk about- but generally once things are written down you can figure them out better... or something.


I'd love to put these things into a cute little list with quips and comments, but I don't know how to do that and be honest with myself.

I'm depressed- and I don't know how to deal with it very well. It's much harder than I thought- those stupid 'depression' commercials aren't funny anymore. The color has drained out of my life- everything is grey and I feel like it's all my fault. Things this week got suddenly so bad I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I pushed the limits on how long someone can cry and still be hydrated enough to survive it.

I have moved home to my parents and I'm too afraid to call my friends and tell them. I don't know how long I'll be here. I feel like I've been banished from my life and been sent to rehab or an alternate universe.

It is good that I am here though. I've been here since Monday and it's a pretty shitty start to the year. I miss Jimmy and Gob- but this is okay for now. I am in limbo and it's nice to not wake up and worry that I'll ruin Jimmy's life any second.

In fact, I don't know if I'm getting married in September. (Those of you reading this, please don't gossip about this- I'm really asking you seriously. I don't want to hear about this or have people who don't read this know... okay? I know, I'm putting this in the Internet and anyone could technically read this, but please. I'm asking you- don't call your high school buddies and say, ' did you hear about Kate?, Jeez- how pathetic is she?'- one, I already know how pathetic this is. I cant help it. My brain is a traitor. And two- I cant really function beyond wake up and go to sleep these days- so I cant really add hunt you down and beat you up to the list. Just a little respect is all I ask. I'm sure in a few years we can all sit around a giggle at what my brain chemistry turned me into way back in 2008.) I say this because I don't know, he doesn't know...

I feel like I'm going to black out as I'm writing this. My heart is pounding and my hands are sweating. This is all very hard to say.

I've been pretty sick for the past couple months and to say the least, it didn't help the whole 'I don't have a job', 'plan a wedding', 'So the ham went bad?', 'YOU take out the garbage' parts of being new at living together and starting a life.

It really scares me- the idea that the wedding wouldn't happen... I mean, big deal- no wedding hoopla... but the idea of not being with Jimmy, being his wife and he my husband makes me want to cry and beg and apologize like my life depends on it. That in itself points out the fact that I really am sick. That sentence so isn't me. I wouldn't say that... but I am.

I want to be Jimmy's wife and I want him to be my husband. My other half. He already is, and I am his... but I want the piece of paper. I just do. Is that okay? Why cant I feel anything beyond despair?

I miss myself. I miss Jimmy. I miss having a life.


Tomorrow I see a couple doctors and then Saturday I see some more... and I hope it turns out to be Hypothyroid because that would just be so easy to fix. And I would be better right away and feel like life isn't just a well that you cant climb out of.

That'd be nice. I remember thinking about life as something good, I remember thinking of it as something awesome and sparkly... and really FEELING AWE. And now remembering that I feel more about it than I have in months. Oh, wait- it's gone.







So, here I am taking a break from me and Jimmy and life and everything and if it weren't for my mom and dad I think I would have done something I'd really regret. Like shave my head and beat up a car with an umbrella....


Mantra?

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, please, wake up....

blogged

Honest to Blog, this year I have had a time. (Who knows those two media references?)

A Year in Review...
Thinking about all of it kind of makes me head want to explode.

Highlights:

Living with Kendra and Lucas (Carpe Noctum!)
Passport Resume Builder
Seeing the first movie I produced on DVD
IMDB
Moving to Dallas
Living with Jimmy
Tom staying for the summer
Being Proposed to
Saying Yes (Badly, but lovingly)
Having some work
Going to Baltimore
Getting a Gob
Planning a Wedding
Thanksgiving & The Shower
Meeting Liam
Learning to Cook
Christmas with the Family
Hope


Lowlights:

Getting sick
Menapause
Long Distance Relationship
Moving
Leaving My LA Friends
Not Having Dallas Friends
Being a Sourpuss
Being Jobless
24th Birthday
Hopelessness
Missing My Friends
No Sara at Christmas
Being Sick

Hopes for 2008:

Get Well
Project with Tom
Get Job
Get Happy

To Do for 2008:

Floss more often
Vaccuum more often
Hang up clothes after washing them, NOT leaving them in a pile on the chair.
Be positive
Show people I love that I do, love them, more often.
No more bad haircuts!
Get Married
Read More
Write More (Especially To Sara)
Cook More
Learn something new




2008 is our year. I can feel it.



Happy New Year

eved II

I'm losing it quickly- apparently it's called Hypothyroidism... although finding out last night that I no longer have medical insurance puts a damper on feeling better anytime soon. I have lost myself somewhere and whatever this is that I've fallen into- I hate and want me back.

eved

Today is Christmas eve and I dont feel much holiday spirit. I have had the sense of dread and misery for weeks now, maybe months- I lost count.

I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstaps and put on a happy face and think positive and none of that has left me with any more hope for tomorrow.

I'm afraid that Jimmy doesnt love me anymore. I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop. I am afraid that I will never find a job. I am afraid that my hair will never be shiny again. I'm afraid that one of these mornings I really wont get out of bed. I am afraid of how much I dislike myself lately.


I almost wish I didnt exist, then all these things couldnt be painful. I want a big huge rest where I am safe and warm and dont have to worry about anything, and when I wake up this huge rock that is crushing my chest will be gone.

I know the majority of the fears I have are silly and untrue... but knowing that it is one way doesnt mean I can make myself feel that way.




Merry Christmas- I hope next year that this feeling is long gone and I am myself again.

figured

I figured that by now I'd understand a lot more than I do.

I figured by now I'd know my times tables by heart, or way the refs in football throw yellow flags and not red ones, or why sometimes I wake up with yellow crusties in the corner of my eye....

But I don't. And I'm not sorry that I don't.

I kind of feel like I'm still learning every day.

For example, today I learned something very important. Let me set the stage for you.

It is raining buckets here in Dallas and by 4:30 it is pitch dark. So today when I walked the dog around five pm, it was like that scene in Pirates of The Caribbean, where it's pouring and they're all sword fighting and swash buckling on the deck of the ship- only I wasn't on a pirate ship or wearing pirate boots (which would have been handy since my socks were soaked the moment I stepped out the door) and I wasn't carrying a sword.

Anyway, my puppy is very happy to be walking in the rain because it makes the big white cat who lives next door hide under bushes where it is easier for my lovely mutt to terrorize and try to wrestle with. The cat-next-door is not amused by any of this and often hisses and tries to jump on me like I am going to save her from the dog, which causes chaos and yelling and barking and hissing since I am allergic and slightly afraid of cats claws and this one is about fifteen pounds over weight... I am a regular Jack Handy.

So I pull Gob (my dog) away from feral cat under the bushes next to the house and try to make him go to the bathroom quickly because the wetness is seeping up the legs of my jeans almost to my knees. As we round the corner to the house I see the fucking next-door cat not under the bushes, but lurking on our doorstep! So I cant get close to the house until it goes away, not wanting another animal encounter I stand about fifteen feet away and yell at it through the rain to get off my damn porch.

Gob is tugging furiously at his leash and lolling his tongue all over the place like the cat is going to play with him, which he's not. Fucking cat.

So as I'm yelling at the furry ball on my porch steps, it decides to start in our direction down the path, which makes Gob go crazier and me keep yelling ridiculous and cliche things like, "Scat!" and "Shoo" (only I follow up with a choice curse word or fowl nickname for the cat- "Shoo, fucknut!" "Scat, you asshat!")

As the cat is coming towards us in the rain I realize that it, by choice, came out into the wet weatherand is moving REALLY fast- which is weird... and then I squint through the pelting raindrops and realize that the thing coming towards me and my slap-happy dog is no cat.

It is the biggest mother fucking Possum in history. And it looks mean! When I usually think of possums, I think of cute little hanging furballs and whiskers.... like this.



But no, I had to end up with a charging snarling blob of white evil possum-ness. It came at Gob and I so fast- and really, this is where I learned my lesson.

I learned the following things in those few seconds while a Opossum the size of an over weight house cat ran full speed at me and my puppy.

1) Do not antagonize things (especially animals), not matter how cranky or sopping wet you are. The term, "asshat" is not nice to call anyone, and apparently Possums are just as opposed to it as my ex-boss was.

2) Do not under estimate the size of Texas animals.

3) No matter what I've heard or read- animals that may look cute in photos are not in real life. (ie: Opossums, spider monkeys, ferrets)

And most importantly-
4) When being charged by a furious animal in the pouring rain, do not freeze. Move. Run. Hide. DO SOMETHING.

Instead when being faced with this:



I held completely still and was saved at the last moment when Gob also realizing that this was not a friendly encounter- but a vicious rodent the size of a car tire hell bent on ripping our faces off. Gob suddenly stopped struggling against his leash, stood stalk still and barked- loudly over the rain. Accomplishing two things: scaring the crap out of both me and the rodent.

Post Bark- the rodent scurried into the nearest bushes and I cut and ran to the house.


I figure, that's a pretty good life lesson for a rainy day. Useful. 

celebrated

Today is my brithday. In the past I've spent it with family, at school, at work or with friends...

This year I'm spending it with my puppy, Gob, a 24 pack of coke and a pound of bacon.


+ + =


Yeah, that's right.

It's my fucking 24th birthday and I'm celebrating in style.


Jimmy is working (since 5am) and wont be home until 7ish tonight, so I have all day to watch the Law & Order Marathon and bask in my old age...

planned

Up and coming...

OCTOBER
Happy Halloween!

NOVEMBER:
Dan and Lynn Visit
Drive to Michigan with Jimmy and Gob
See Mom, Dad, Sara and Tom
Meet the infamous Liam
Get my teeth cleaned
Paint Pottery
See Meadow Brook Hall
Play with flower ideas/decoration ideas
Look at dresses with Mom and Sara
See family!
Have Family Thanksgiving
Have Thanksgiving @ Grammys
Have Thanksgiving at Bonmas
Day-After Thanksgiving Shopping
Wedding Shower!
Introducing both sides of the families
Introducing Jimmy's family
Thanzgivin
Drive home

DECEMBER:
My Brithday!
Tom's Birthday!
Christmas in Dallas- Mom, Dad, Tom, Nancy, Rey, Dan and Julian? Who knows?
Watch the McClains dogs
New Years Eve with Jimmy

JANUARY
4 week prodcution on feature

FEBURARY
..... sleep
Sara's Birthday


MARCH
Feature #2?

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

Get Married.



Jeez. I cant wait! There is so much to do and be excited about... and honestly, I today I feel like I can do anything.

year

A year from today, I will be doing my hair, buttoning up my dress, battling nerves, and walking down the isle.

A year from today I'll be saying, "I do."

I will be agreeing to be a part of a new family, to make my own, to start with the man that I love, to be with him, by his side, and he by mine until... well, always.

Forever is such a hard word. Forever doenst fit- it's too trivial, and not long enough- and yet too long. It's too long to say that word. Forever makes me think of Sysiphus- not Jimmy.

Always. And. True.

Those words make me think of Jimmy.

Those words are the ones that I want to say to him. They might find their way to my lips a year from today. They might not, instead I have a feeling I'll cry and hug and beam.

He is my best friend, my lover, my partner and my other half. I keep thinking the "What if" thoughts.

Thinking, what if I had slept with so&so, what if we hadnt made the choices we did? And each time I roll through the maybes and the possiblities in my head, living out each possible life to today-

And in each one, each life without Jimmy- it is pale and aches. I think of the job I would have and then wonder who would I call with good and bad news? Not Jimmy? And my heart pulls. I think of the place I might sleep and I wonder who would be next to me? Not Jimmy? And my throat tightens. I think of the place I might live, sunny and blue in my daydreams- but empty. Like an episode of Cold Case or Without a Trace...

And then I flicker back to reality. To the sunny kitchen, the tickling while I brush my teeth, waking up from a nightmare and having warm arms already soothing, the kisses that wake me up in the early hours, the bickering over groceries, the handholding at the movies, the sense of pride when we make it, the late night conversations about family and things we dream.

I am in a place I neve imagined. I am in a place that I never dreamed about.

And yet, now, right now- I cant think of a life I'd rather have. I would love to see more of the world, I would love to explore different lives- but nothing changes those daydreams. Jimmy is always there. In Spain. In Vancouver. In Ireland. In Australia. In Seattle. Its us, together- no matter where or when.

This is more than I meant to write and more then I thought I had to say.

One year. Right now. Today. How terrifying and exciting.

born

Last night I had a dream about my life- about my life in two, five, ten years...

I was me, and I was in a house that over looked a lake with waves that you could hear from the bedroom.

In that bedroom I sat in a rocking chair and held my baby. My daughter- who was so vivid and beautiful I could smell her skin and feel her hair- light brown and so soft it fell through my fingers, her eyes were huge and blue - they were Jimmy's eyes. She was te most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She ahs no name, though. Not yet.

In the room my sister stood over a crib, only Sara was taller, with a short bob of a hair cut- she smiled down into the crib and pulled out her own child. A little girl, too. With dark red hair and brown eyes. The baby had such white skin with rosy little cheeks-


Sara and I sat with a lamp on, and the waves rushed out the window and Jimmy was on the stairs, climbing to say hello and Sara and I sat. And smiled. And were silent.

Jimmy brought in hat for the babies, hats that wee put on their heads and suddenly the image of me holding my daughter wearing that hat, sitting next to my sister and my neice was a photo in my hands and I was onlder. Much older- telling a story about that day- pointing to the hat in the photo and saying how Jimmy bought it because September was so cold that year- but beautiful. How it was abeautiful fall that year.

shoved

So- I am myself again.

I am over the shock of the wonderful things that have happend in the last month and am really really elated.


I am getting MARRIED!!! To the most wonderful, patient, understanding, funny, and loving man in the world.

The job at the front desk of FWC is going well... but I think the majority of people in the world are dumber than me, and maybe I need a dose of humility- that or everyone to agree that they are stupid and need to be working at McDonalds instead of somewhere that they are underqualified...

That's just one possiblity, though. I've got thousands.

I miss my sister and want to show her the bridesmaid dresses that I like and think she would look kick-ass in.

Also, we never really went over the fact that she is my maid of honor- and that means she has duites to perform... which I'm happy to do for her since she is very far away, but none-the-less I want her to accept the job and stand next to me on my wedding day.


Tom is leaving Dallas in a couple weeks for school- it's wierd to think in six months all three Grady kids will be out of college and into the real world trying to make it as adults. Geez. What happend to piggy-wanna-signal and couch forts?

discontented

So. I have everything. Everything imaginable to make one happy.

I have a loving, amazing family.
I have a supportive, incredible fiance.
I have a great education.
I have a working car.
I have food in my belly.
I have clothes on my back.
I have a bed to sleep in....

The only thing I have been missing in the past three months is a job. I have been down and cranky and sad and depressed all because I felt useless, impotent and horrible- basically jobless.



Today I got a job.

Somehow, not only do I not feel better- I feel worse. Like I want to cry. Not just any old cry- I want to cry like my life depends on it. I want to cry so hard my throat hurts and my eyes sting and my face swells up like I've been stung by a bee.

Maybe it's my period, (Which shouldnt be happening in the first place- AND after six months of forced menopause, shouldn't suck... it still does. Badly. Waisted time, waisted money.) Maybe it's my attitude. Maybe it's just me. I feel like Aunt Karen. Maybe the desire to cry is because I'm relieved... but I don't think so.


The job doesn't start until September- maybe it's facing that many more weeks of nothingness... or maybe it's the remote possibility that this is some sort of un-funny cosmic joke. In a month and a half I'll get a call,

"Sorry, Kate. We found someone else..."

I want a fucking doughnut. I hate doughnuts and I want one. Fuck you. Fuck your mother.

Eat shit and die.


How am I so ungrateful? Maybe this is just Karma. I desrve to be unhappy when I have everything I've ever wanted.

I am a Producer... at a real company. I am going to marry a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. My family is happy.





What the fuck is my problem, and why dont I have anyone to blame but myself?

left

Left, not like the direction, or the hand-

but... like tomorrow I will say, "I have left LA"

I will say, "I have left Passport"

I will say, "I left Kendra"

I will say, "I have left my bed"

I will say, "I have left my life"

Left is such a funny word.

I left my heart in San Fransisco... I left my purse at the bar. I left my dignity in Chicago. I left my car keys at home. I left homework in my locker. I left my towel on the floor. I left my headlights on. I left home. I left my waitress a tip. I left my viola. I left my aspirations to be a singer. I left my TV on.

I have left a lot of things. I have a left hand. I have a left foot. I have two left feet. I have made many left turns.



I have made a life here that is 100% mine. That I worked for and starved for and struggled for.

I am ready, though- to leave that and put it into the past tense. I am ready to cross the country again and try again until I find it. Until I find the place I dont want to leave anymore.

past

A year ago today I was at a bar in Wrigleyville drinking large festive Mardi Gras drinks, eating jumbalya and being single-ish for the first time in a long time. Jimmy had told me that he didnt want to be US anymore.

And at that point, I was ready to drink, be young, and be merry.

I got Thad's number that night. He was tall, dark and handsome and I told him I'd call. I didnt. He showed up once at my apartment (being the best friend of my upstairs neighbor) and I tried to be nice- but I only looked like a jerk.

I wonder what would have happened if I had called?

Would I now be single out here in LA? Would I have had a one-night stand? Would it have changed anything?

I was working at Bennigans, finishing classes, nannying and spending my tip money on booze and bingo-nights.

I made friends that were girls (Micheala and Kendra and Rochelle and Sarah) and we had a nice long crazy drunk girls night out before we all had to open th next day.

It was different than the majority of my nights as a college student. Seeing as I worked two jobs or more at any one time and went to school full time and had three roomates and a boyfriend and a life... and then that night I felt like I didnt have any of those thing, those responsibilities.

I was a free woman for one night, and a cute, sweet boy chatted me up and told me funny stories and said I was beautiful and that he'd like to take me out.

I wonder what would be different if anything, if I chose to be that girl?

Would I be as happy as I am now with the choices I'm making?

Does it matter? Probably not, but it's nice to know that I've taken advantage of my options. I did everything in the college handbook.

-Get rip-roaring drunk and endd up on a park bench
-Get rip roaring drunk and have crazy stupid sex
-Get rip-roaring drunk and cry... a lot.
-Try drugs
-Write papers
-Sleep on random friend's couches
-Have random people on your couch every weekend
-Have a job (or six)
-Explore the city
-Get hired
-Get fired
-Learn about things your parents never knew
-Learn the things the hard way that your parents tried to teach you
-Learn things that you never wanted to know
-Learn things that make you who you are
-Throw up in a public place
-Throw up on others
-Eat things that are theoretically disgusting (and often turn out to be actually disgusting)
-Eat things that your mom never bought you
-Gain weight
-Lose weight
-Overdraw your bank account
-Put in your first big paycheck
-Meet new people who turn out to be freaks
-Meet freaks who turn out to be reallly great friends
-Think you know what you want
-Change your mind
-Figure out what you want
-Love somebody
-Hate that same somebody
-Fall in real love
-Fall out of real love
-Get a degree
-Have a party and make your last bad decisions as a College Student
-Move away
-Get a Job



I think I've covered all my bases. I've checked every box and crossed every t and now... I'm ready I think. Ready to accept my life for what it is. It's fun to look back, at those vivid moments that you didnt know at the time were a decision that led you to today.

And last year, today was one of mine. And maybe today, in five years this will be another.

For now, I'm ready to get up tomorrow morining and be glad I dont have the hang-over I did last year and be glad that I'm no longer living off Bingo winnings and tips.

unslept

Too tired to sleep. How does that happen?

I took and amazing hike today (check my myspace) in the mountains. Who knew that the amazing trails were just minutes from my house with breath-taking views and a breath-taking workout? It was fun, all the hills and mountian climbing and river crossing and rock jumping and waterfall watching and wading in oas-i (what is the plural of oasis?)...

But it got me thinking- if I move to Dallas what else will I be losing? I mean, I know the pros and the cons- but it's days like today that I would never have in Dallas.

Days like today that make me feel very sad to leave- but not sad enough.

The only reasons that really make me second guess myself are as follows:

1. I dont want to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY move my shit.
2. I dont want to lose the only friend I've got.

I think number two really is the one that I'm most concerned about. I dont even think I can talk about it.