My friend Joe bought me a burger today that was an inch from godliness. There was a wierd garlic sauce on it that is blamed for the inch.
Delicious.
Also, I would say to anyone that In and Out has the best burgers in the world.
Love,
Kate
11/5/08
hope and despair
This post is not like my other posts. I am not just 'not myself', I am emotionally divided. I am sliced to the core and split into two.
I have been crying all morning. One minute I am in the darkest corner of myself with worries and stress and the next I am elated and full of promise and hope.
Despair:
I am personally in a tough spot. Penniless, jobless and alone. Right now I have the clothes on my back, I have a couch I am crashing, I have a cup of coffee bought for me by a good friend... but beyond this minute. Beyond this day- I don't know where I will be, what I will eat, how I will pay for gas and laundry detergent. I am worried like I have never been.
As a college student and recent grad I have been poor. I have had tough weeks where you eat that last bit of cereal in the box and hear your stomach grumble all day. I have begged for change to get on the EL in Chicago. I have scrimped, I have gone hungry, I have gone without heat in the winter and without AC in the summer. I have spent money I did not have. I have cried many tears over lost jobs or opportunities- I have worked my way up from darkness and had many helping hands on the way.
In all those hard and gritty days of sleeping on a mattress on the floor or working three jobs, I always knew I was on the way somewhere. I knew I was on the path that was right for me. I had hope, I had warmth in that. I had so much more than I ever knew.
This is so different than that was. I don't feel like the young person I am. I feel like I've gone through my fair share of overdrawn bank accounts and sleepless nights of worry. I've taken so much charity from family and friends to help me get by. I feel like I should be better at this whole concept of life by now.
Today I am an adult. I am a woman with a husband and responsibilities. I shoulder half of our shared burden and then my own personal ball and chain that I refuse to lay upon Jimmy. Outside my bills and debt I've built up I have this enourmous amount owed to my parents, my debt to my brother, there is probably debt to my sister, too.
My family has absolved me of the debts I owe them, monetary or not, but I cant do that with a clear conscience. I owe them all so much, both Jimmy and I do, more than I can ever put into words or dollars, really. But their understanding relieves some of the weight. They know that if it takes me ten, twenty, fifty years to send them a final check on what I owe them, and all the favors in between I have to repay- I will. I am good for it.
I have lost the idea somewhere that my work has been worth it. I have this nightmare that I'm going to end up a real estate agent in a small town dreaming about the chances I took and regretting them.
I have worked so hard for my career for the chance of having a good one, waiting for it to pay off. It is such a roller coaster of wins and loss. I have been at the peak and reaped the benefits- paying every bill on time, having extra to save, being able to really make a dent. I have been at the mid point- making it by, not saving, but not scrimping either. And now I am under the waves clawing my way back up to the surface. I reek of desperation today. I can smell it on myself and everything I touch. And then I clear the surface and I take a deep breath and dive back in- trying to hold my breath longer this time without panicking.
In all honesty, I have worried myself into a corner and maybe done more damage with that than anything else tangible. Maybe I'll take that last lorazempam? I've saved it for months and months for the day I was too overwhelmed. It's been a nice security blanket.
Hope:
We have a new president. One I believe in with everything that I am. Whether that is desperation or optimism, I'm not sure. But I believe.
I keep crying about my low points and my worry and then I catch a part of an Obama speech, or read something about it- or hear the joy in Jimmy's voice when he talks about it. About change, about hope, about possibilities and I cry new tears that are jubilant.
My country is changing for the better. My opinions matter. My needs matter. My families needs matter. My choices matter.
I matter. Matter is such an ugly looking word but means so much more than it looks.
The problems I have with insane interest rates and ridiculous rent and taxes that kill- that may all change, and it may not. But the hope that it will get better- that doors that were closed and locked may open in my life is so beautiful.
I have possibilities. I have dreams. I have options. I have choice. I can have anything. I can have everything.
The feeling that builds up in me is like a hike for my soul. A walk in the dark of the forest uphill, trudging and dirty- but you know that up the next crest is the fresh cool air that opens onto the view of the ocean and the mountains. It is a soaring feeling. A feeling that defies everything you've ever been told, every 'no' thrown at you, every loss, every worry, every burden is lightened and seen in a new shiny light.
It is a light full of answers and solutions and options. It is hope. It wants to burst out of me and tackle everything in its path it sun and warmth and a crispness that feels like clean laundry and warm socks.
I am so humiliated and crushed by life at the moment.
I am so awed and inspired by life at the moment.
I am probably certifiably crazy at the moment.
Obviously I am split in two. I am in the depths and the shallows. I want to throw myself into the hope and hang on and thrill in it... but the dark corners lure me away with sorrows and self pity.
*big calming sigh* Today just just the most overwhelming things in totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I don't think my body can contain it- so I end up crying like a lunatic, smiling through tears one moment and covering my face with my hands the next.
I want to believe in everything. I want to grow and spread and be.
I think I'll do just that. I think I'll aim in that direction and tread the best I can.
How come I'm so good under pressure in my work, but when it comes to my life I'm crushed like a bug? Did I use up my karmic share? How come when I'm overwhelmed words bubble out of me like a water from a faucet?
I've stopped crying now. I feel... not better- but quelled. I love that word. I want a burger and a big diet coke. Instead I'm going to eat vitamins and finish this coffee Kendra bought me and pretend that it's the lunch I've envisioned... I'll even throw in some imaginary french fries. You cant be allergic to imaginary potatoes. ha! Take that world.
I have been crying all morning. One minute I am in the darkest corner of myself with worries and stress and the next I am elated and full of promise and hope.
Despair:
I am personally in a tough spot. Penniless, jobless and alone. Right now I have the clothes on my back, I have a couch I am crashing, I have a cup of coffee bought for me by a good friend... but beyond this minute. Beyond this day- I don't know where I will be, what I will eat, how I will pay for gas and laundry detergent. I am worried like I have never been.
As a college student and recent grad I have been poor. I have had tough weeks where you eat that last bit of cereal in the box and hear your stomach grumble all day. I have begged for change to get on the EL in Chicago. I have scrimped, I have gone hungry, I have gone without heat in the winter and without AC in the summer. I have spent money I did not have. I have cried many tears over lost jobs or opportunities- I have worked my way up from darkness and had many helping hands on the way.
In all those hard and gritty days of sleeping on a mattress on the floor or working three jobs, I always knew I was on the way somewhere. I knew I was on the path that was right for me. I had hope, I had warmth in that. I had so much more than I ever knew.
This is so different than that was. I don't feel like the young person I am. I feel like I've gone through my fair share of overdrawn bank accounts and sleepless nights of worry. I've taken so much charity from family and friends to help me get by. I feel like I should be better at this whole concept of life by now.
Today I am an adult. I am a woman with a husband and responsibilities. I shoulder half of our shared burden and then my own personal ball and chain that I refuse to lay upon Jimmy. Outside my bills and debt I've built up I have this enourmous amount owed to my parents, my debt to my brother, there is probably debt to my sister, too.
My family has absolved me of the debts I owe them, monetary or not, but I cant do that with a clear conscience. I owe them all so much, both Jimmy and I do, more than I can ever put into words or dollars, really. But their understanding relieves some of the weight. They know that if it takes me ten, twenty, fifty years to send them a final check on what I owe them, and all the favors in between I have to repay- I will. I am good for it.
I have lost the idea somewhere that my work has been worth it. I have this nightmare that I'm going to end up a real estate agent in a small town dreaming about the chances I took and regretting them.
I have worked so hard for my career for the chance of having a good one, waiting for it to pay off. It is such a roller coaster of wins and loss. I have been at the peak and reaped the benefits- paying every bill on time, having extra to save, being able to really make a dent. I have been at the mid point- making it by, not saving, but not scrimping either. And now I am under the waves clawing my way back up to the surface. I reek of desperation today. I can smell it on myself and everything I touch. And then I clear the surface and I take a deep breath and dive back in- trying to hold my breath longer this time without panicking.
In all honesty, I have worried myself into a corner and maybe done more damage with that than anything else tangible. Maybe I'll take that last lorazempam? I've saved it for months and months for the day I was too overwhelmed. It's been a nice security blanket.
Hope:
We have a new president. One I believe in with everything that I am. Whether that is desperation or optimism, I'm not sure. But I believe.
I keep crying about my low points and my worry and then I catch a part of an Obama speech, or read something about it- or hear the joy in Jimmy's voice when he talks about it. About change, about hope, about possibilities and I cry new tears that are jubilant.
My country is changing for the better. My opinions matter. My needs matter. My families needs matter. My choices matter.
I matter. Matter is such an ugly looking word but means so much more than it looks.
The problems I have with insane interest rates and ridiculous rent and taxes that kill- that may all change, and it may not. But the hope that it will get better- that doors that were closed and locked may open in my life is so beautiful.
I have possibilities. I have dreams. I have options. I have choice. I can have anything. I can have everything.
The feeling that builds up in me is like a hike for my soul. A walk in the dark of the forest uphill, trudging and dirty- but you know that up the next crest is the fresh cool air that opens onto the view of the ocean and the mountains. It is a soaring feeling. A feeling that defies everything you've ever been told, every 'no' thrown at you, every loss, every worry, every burden is lightened and seen in a new shiny light.
It is a light full of answers and solutions and options. It is hope. It wants to burst out of me and tackle everything in its path it sun and warmth and a crispness that feels like clean laundry and warm socks.
I am so humiliated and crushed by life at the moment.
I am so awed and inspired by life at the moment.
I am probably certifiably crazy at the moment.
Obviously I am split in two. I am in the depths and the shallows. I want to throw myself into the hope and hang on and thrill in it... but the dark corners lure me away with sorrows and self pity.
*big calming sigh* Today just just the most overwhelming things in totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I don't think my body can contain it- so I end up crying like a lunatic, smiling through tears one moment and covering my face with my hands the next.
I want to believe in everything. I want to grow and spread and be.
I think I'll do just that. I think I'll aim in that direction and tread the best I can.
How come I'm so good under pressure in my work, but when it comes to my life I'm crushed like a bug? Did I use up my karmic share? How come when I'm overwhelmed words bubble out of me like a water from a faucet?
I've stopped crying now. I feel... not better- but quelled. I love that word. I want a burger and a big diet coke. Instead I'm going to eat vitamins and finish this coffee Kendra bought me and pretend that it's the lunch I've envisioned... I'll even throw in some imaginary french fries. You cant be allergic to imaginary potatoes. ha! Take that world.
11/4/08
voted
I voted by absentee ballot. While it is unlikely that my vote will be counted unless there are some wackly circumstances, I feel like I did not only my civic duty but I did my country a favor. Good 'ol madam USA should be happy I gave her a piece of my mind in vote form.
So, you're welcome America. When this world is a better place based on my vote, I'd like my thanks in the form of one of the following:
and/or
(To ease your worry about the death star, I wouldnt use it on earth, yet.)
Again, you're welcome. It was my pleasure.
So, you're welcome America. When this world is a better place based on my vote, I'd like my thanks in the form of one of the following:
and/or
(To ease your worry about the death star, I wouldnt use it on earth, yet.)
Again, you're welcome. It was my pleasure.
10/31/08
quizzed
Angelaboration posted this and I thought it was fun.
The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actor's Studio):
Q: What is your favorite word?
A: trabajabamos (Spanish: First-person plural (nosotros, nosotras) imperfect indicative form of trabajar.)
Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: pudding
Q: What turns you on?
A: reading is pretty sexy
Q: What turns you off?
A: arrogance
Q: What is your favorite curse word?
A: asshat
Q: What sound do you love?
A: my husbands snoring
Q: What sound do you hate?
A: water pipes in the wall (yes, there is poop coursing through those icky pipes just inches behind your head.)
Q: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: interior designer or childrens book author
Q: What profession would you not like to participate in?
A: podiatrist, feet are gross.
Q: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Yahtzee!
There you are. Now I really kind of hope God exists because jeez, that would be sweet.
The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actor's Studio):
Q: What is your favorite word?
A: trabajabamos (Spanish: First-person plural (nosotros, nosotras) imperfect indicative form of trabajar.)
Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: pudding
Q: What turns you on?
A: reading is pretty sexy
Q: What turns you off?
A: arrogance
Q: What is your favorite curse word?
A: asshat
Q: What sound do you love?
A: my husbands snoring
Q: What sound do you hate?
A: water pipes in the wall (yes, there is poop coursing through those icky pipes just inches behind your head.)
Q: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: interior designer or childrens book author
Q: What profession would you not like to participate in?
A: podiatrist, feet are gross.
Q: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Yahtzee!
There you are. Now I really kind of hope God exists because jeez, that would be sweet.
10/27/08
boxed
I've been boxing up the apartment for the past few weeks (slowly and lazily), and the past couple days things have been less homey and housey- but the place I've loved and slaved over making ours is suddenly feeling emptier and emptier.
It's kind of a hollow place now. The walls that were once vibrant colors, shelves filled with our things- now the picture frames are all stacked and covered in bubble wrap, the walls are primed in a stark white leaving our place feeling like it's not ours anymore.
I leave for LA this coming weekend... and I'm just feeling the pangs of leaving a life (no matter how unrooted) that we've started together.
This is our place.
Now jimmy is moving into a little one bedroom here in Dallas with a short lease while I go out to LA and get a freaking job.
It's not really the traditional "honeymoon period" of the marriage... it's making us both try and savor the time we spend together.
It's making us both remember the long distance thing we've done before. How hard it really is.
I don't know how it is for men in a long distance relationship.
For me, and maybe other women, it's hard because of the little stuff. It's hard because of the loneliness that comes from not being able to tell them how your day went face to face, or share dinner with, or cuddle with while watching the new house.
It's silly and honestly inconsequential in the long run for a few months of separation... but it's sore none the less.
But it's all worth it. I know we are making the best choices for us, we are embarking on a big adventure together- even if we're not physically together for a little while- we are in this together and it's pretty exciting. I kind of love and hate the feeling of change. It's so scary... and at the same time exhilarating and it makes me feel full of so much.
It's kind of a hollow place now. The walls that were once vibrant colors, shelves filled with our things- now the picture frames are all stacked and covered in bubble wrap, the walls are primed in a stark white leaving our place feeling like it's not ours anymore.
I leave for LA this coming weekend... and I'm just feeling the pangs of leaving a life (no matter how unrooted) that we've started together.
This is our place.
Now jimmy is moving into a little one bedroom here in Dallas with a short lease while I go out to LA and get a freaking job.
It's not really the traditional "honeymoon period" of the marriage... it's making us both try and savor the time we spend together.
It's making us both remember the long distance thing we've done before. How hard it really is.
I don't know how it is for men in a long distance relationship.
For me, and maybe other women, it's hard because of the little stuff. It's hard because of the loneliness that comes from not being able to tell them how your day went face to face, or share dinner with, or cuddle with while watching the new house.
It's silly and honestly inconsequential in the long run for a few months of separation... but it's sore none the less.
But it's all worth it. I know we are making the best choices for us, we are embarking on a big adventure together- even if we're not physically together for a little while- we are in this together and it's pretty exciting. I kind of love and hate the feeling of change. It's so scary... and at the same time exhilarating and it makes me feel full of so much.
10/16/08
mooned
I also want to mention, during my bloggorific day- that I had the coolest honeymoon ever. Somthing akin to "an affair to remember", only without the sad parts and the aunt in Italy. I'd like to think myself a little like Deborah Kerr- I did get to wear a very pretty dress and get served a delicious and decadent five course meal surrounded by glitz and old fashioned glam and my very own Cary Grant.
We went on a cruise from NYC to Halifax, Nova Scotia and then stopped in five places along the east coast. It was amazing.
The weather was perfect. Canada is amazing in that part of the country- the leaves were starting to change and the views were spectacular. It really was like being in a movie. We had a lobster bake in Maine, went on a pub tour in Halifax, saw fenway in Boston, toured Acadia National park, enjoyed going to the casino on the ship and being treated like royalty... it was really just so much fun.
Being the youngest people on board got us a lot of attention from everyone else- seeing as the majority of out co-passengers were geriatrics, we really were having a ball.
Oh, and does anyone remember Mark Berry from OHS class of 2001? Well, he was on board as a drummer in a band. How cool is that? Go Chiefs.
So yes. I fancied myself a 1940's movie star for my wedding and my honeymoon. Can you blame me? I loved every second of it.
We went on a cruise from NYC to Halifax, Nova Scotia and then stopped in five places along the east coast. It was amazing.
The weather was perfect. Canada is amazing in that part of the country- the leaves were starting to change and the views were spectacular. It really was like being in a movie. We had a lobster bake in Maine, went on a pub tour in Halifax, saw fenway in Boston, toured Acadia National park, enjoyed going to the casino on the ship and being treated like royalty... it was really just so much fun.
Being the youngest people on board got us a lot of attention from everyone else- seeing as the majority of out co-passengers were geriatrics, we really were having a ball.
Oh, and does anyone remember Mark Berry from OHS class of 2001? Well, he was on board as a drummer in a band. How cool is that? Go Chiefs.
So yes. I fancied myself a 1940's movie star for my wedding and my honeymoon. Can you blame me? I loved every second of it.
married
So I've been a procrastinator. I should be packing, painting and putting all the clothes where they belong.
Instead I'm finding many reasons to put if off.
Here are my favorite pictures today:
Kendra and Danielle helping put my veil in place. I love ready-room wedding pictures, you can feel the anticipation and excitment in them.
I think the reason I love this one needs no explination.
Mom, Sara and me in the photobooth. Gosh, we're pretty ladies.
This one just makes me happy. They are so cute.
Every day I find I have a new favorites.
Being married is much like being in a serious relationship... only you arent worried anymore. The little things that annoy you dont really matter. It's not scary to talk about the future- your stomach doesnt feel like the bottom is going to fall out when you discuss kids and careers and moving.
It's really, well. Refreshing to have a partner that is solid. Being married just makes me feel like I'm whole.
That's so cheesy and wierd but really- I love the fact that I have someone in my life that I can love unabashed and wholely and trust with everything that is me. From my love of the nerdiness to balancing the checkbook to sore feet after work to talking about politics that matter to us. I mean really- I feel freed by my choices.
I guess that's how I know that it's right. That I dont feel confined in anyway, instead I feel like new doors have been opened.
It's so strange to think that it would make this big of a difference... and still, none at all. I wouldnt have guessed. It is hard to put into words. I knew I wanted to get married in life- but I never knew it would be like this.
I hope that you, dear reader, may find the happiness that sets you free.
Instead I'm finding many reasons to put if off.
Here are my favorite pictures today:
Kendra and Danielle helping put my veil in place. I love ready-room wedding pictures, you can feel the anticipation and excitment in them.
I think the reason I love this one needs no explination.
Mom, Sara and me in the photobooth. Gosh, we're pretty ladies.
This one just makes me happy. They are so cute.
Every day I find I have a new favorites.
Being married is much like being in a serious relationship... only you arent worried anymore. The little things that annoy you dont really matter. It's not scary to talk about the future- your stomach doesnt feel like the bottom is going to fall out when you discuss kids and careers and moving.
It's really, well. Refreshing to have a partner that is solid. Being married just makes me feel like I'm whole.
That's so cheesy and wierd but really- I love the fact that I have someone in my life that I can love unabashed and wholely and trust with everything that is me. From my love of the nerdiness to balancing the checkbook to sore feet after work to talking about politics that matter to us. I mean really- I feel freed by my choices.
I guess that's how I know that it's right. That I dont feel confined in anyway, instead I feel like new doors have been opened.
It's so strange to think that it would make this big of a difference... and still, none at all. I wouldnt have guessed. It is hard to put into words. I knew I wanted to get married in life- but I never knew it would be like this.
I hope that you, dear reader, may find the happiness that sets you free.
10/7/08
wed
Dear Kate,
You are now a married lady.
Crazy, huh?
Love,
Kate
ps. Everyone said I looked lovely. I think lovely wasnt really the right word. Happy. I am full of joy. (Joy, what a silly looking word to have so much meaning.)
You are now a married lady.
Crazy, huh?
Love,
Kate
ps. Everyone said I looked lovely. I think lovely wasnt really the right word. Happy. I am full of joy. (Joy, what a silly looking word to have so much meaning.)
9/7/08
geeked
The term, geeked is used in two ways that I'm aware of.
1) Geeked, to be very excited, (by anything). ie: He was all geeked up about football season! or She was super geeked that they had french toast on the menu.
2) Geeked, something is deemed by the majority of people to be aimed at nerds or dorks that defines a person or collection of things. (Science, Math, History), ie: After her visit to Apple her iPhone was geeked out. or Her bookshelf was all geeked out with Star Wars novels.
I personally, have geeked out in both sense of the word for two separate reasons.
I am getting married in 13 days. I am so excited by everything that is going to happen that geeked is an appropriate term for the level of happy and pumped I am becoming.
Secondly I have geeked out on a whole new level in the nerdiness that is Kate.
I have fallen for a website that I wish would update itself more often. It is the shit. www.geekologie.com
It is the epitome of everything awesome and nerd oriented- from the coolest cakes ever bake with a Mario Brothers theme to the newest architectural triumphs planned in Dubai.
Also, I have formed a love for a few new geek-y things. Mostly Battle Star Galactica. That show is like cocaine. I want more and I don't want the high to end. I have debated illegal things to be able to see the episodes that aren't online or at Blockbuster. I feel like I'm in pre-withdrawal because I have so few episodes left to watch.
Seriously. Geeky.
Lastly, I've found my long absent CD of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode. I have had 'Walking Through the Fire' in my head for days and I love it and hate it all at once. Maybe losing the CD for so long was a good thing? Then at least I didn't repeat the lyrics in my head all day like some kind of savant.
In prep for the wedding I've been overwhelmed with last minute details- but with everything coming together I am so thrilled about it all. I cant wait! In the big picture it's going to be a great day of fun and people I love and more importantly, Jimmy and I will make the choice to be us forever infront of the people we love and respect the most in life.
That's pretty big.
Then we get to go on a wickedly awesome vacation! (see: honeymoon)
In the little picture we're going to take pictures and eat yummy food and dance and drink and goof around and try to spend every second of the whole day relaxed and soaking it in. No Bridezilla, no Groomzilla- just Jimmy and Kate Celebrate.
What's better than that?
Oh, yeah- everyday after will be. It's a bright future we've built ourselves.
So yeah, geeked is a little bit of an understatement- but it'll do for the moment.
1) Geeked, to be very excited, (by anything). ie: He was all geeked up about football season! or She was super geeked that they had french toast on the menu.
2) Geeked, something is deemed by the majority of people to be aimed at nerds or dorks that defines a person or collection of things. (Science, Math, History), ie: After her visit to Apple her iPhone was geeked out. or Her bookshelf was all geeked out with Star Wars novels.
I personally, have geeked out in both sense of the word for two separate reasons.
I am getting married in 13 days. I am so excited by everything that is going to happen that geeked is an appropriate term for the level of happy and pumped I am becoming.
Secondly I have geeked out on a whole new level in the nerdiness that is Kate.
I have fallen for a website that I wish would update itself more often. It is the shit. www.geekologie.com
It is the epitome of everything awesome and nerd oriented- from the coolest cakes ever bake with a Mario Brothers theme to the newest architectural triumphs planned in Dubai.
Also, I have formed a love for a few new geek-y things. Mostly Battle Star Galactica. That show is like cocaine. I want more and I don't want the high to end. I have debated illegal things to be able to see the episodes that aren't online or at Blockbuster. I feel like I'm in pre-withdrawal because I have so few episodes left to watch.
Seriously. Geeky.
Lastly, I've found my long absent CD of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode. I have had 'Walking Through the Fire' in my head for days and I love it and hate it all at once. Maybe losing the CD for so long was a good thing? Then at least I didn't repeat the lyrics in my head all day like some kind of savant.
In prep for the wedding I've been overwhelmed with last minute details- but with everything coming together I am so thrilled about it all. I cant wait! In the big picture it's going to be a great day of fun and people I love and more importantly, Jimmy and I will make the choice to be us forever infront of the people we love and respect the most in life.
That's pretty big.
Then we get to go on a wickedly awesome vacation! (see: honeymoon)
In the little picture we're going to take pictures and eat yummy food and dance and drink and goof around and try to spend every second of the whole day relaxed and soaking it in. No Bridezilla, no Groomzilla- just Jimmy and Kate Celebrate.
What's better than that?
Oh, yeah- everyday after will be. It's a bright future we've built ourselves.
So yeah, geeked is a little bit of an understatement- but it'll do for the moment.
8/5/08
dissapointed
For those of you that are readers out there, you can probably relate.
There is nothing worse than an anticipated book being a big disappointment.
I just finished a 700-some page book that I bought yesterday at lunch. I've been waiting for this book for a year. I've read and re-read the books predecessors in the series probably ninety times. I love them, I love the characters, the story arc, the tension, every time I read them I feel the thrill of 'What's going to happen next?" I live each moment with my ink friends over and over as I read their saga...
And now I feel like there is a gaping hole where they used to be in my mental library of books I can rely on.
You know, books you can always pick up to be transported into that oddly fantastic not here or there place that only the loved pages can bring you?
Now I feel like I've been suckered punched by the fan-fic era.
this book was not only a disappointment in the end, but about 100 pages in I KNEW it was going to be. It read like a bad fan fiction.
Here are my gripes:
1) Too many new characters are introduced without good explanation of who they are or why they matter
2) Some chapters are written in a POV that the previous books never had been (Boo!)
3) Overly word at points and then suddenly you're re-reading paragraphs to figure out what just happened because it reads like someone forgot a sentence...
4) Characters act out of their previously set morals, obligations, ideals, etc. etc. etc. (Hiss!)
5) The 'new characters' suddenly become very important and you are supposed to care about them for no real reason (Bah!)
6) The author stops taking risks, every move is so calculated - everything on the fence. Every plot move is predictable from page ten. (save one that seriously, just sucked anyway.)
It's like if someone wrote a sequel to Hamlet and Ophelia was suddenly back from the dead and Hamlet stopped being a crazy shit, made peace with his enemies and everyone lived happily ever after. (Oh and Hamlet had all these really talented brothers and sisters that you never knew about that are really vital to the story) What a boring story that would be.
I hate things like this. I hate authors who take too much input from their audience and let that impact their vision.
I'm so pissed. I was seriously on the edge of my seat for this book... and bah. boo. hiss.
Ultimately, my sadness over what feels like loss wins out over my anger at the author.
I love some fanatic, it's such an awesome phenomenon and I love it in a weird way... but this book took all my hopes for what could have been so fantastic and crashed them like a 747 into Everest.
This author once wrote that Romeo and Juliet are only remembered because of their story. If Juliet made the safe choice and moved on after Romeo left- which then leads her to live happily with Paris... would the play still be titled Romeo and Juliet? If Romeo forgot Juliet and went back to his original target (Rosaline) would it have been a story at all, would said story have the same crackle?
There should be a resounding 'NO', here, folks. Wouldn't the point of that statement, coming from and author be that stories cant always wrap things up in pretty bows, cant be predictable and safe... that writing inst about making people happy. About making characters happy. When you place characters in certain situations you cant change who they are into who you want them to be to get the end result you want.
As an author, you cant unpaint a character from a corner when you've pretty much solidified that your character can neither fly or wait until the paint dries to extract themselves. The character either comes out the other side covered in paint, or they deal with the repercussions of staying clean.
Why didn't the authors editor, friends, family, agents, etc. (ETC ETC ETC!!!!!) Remind her that her intention as a writer isn't to please audiences, it's to write compelling and honest work?
This stinks of over thought and too many cooks in the kitchen.
Boo, hiss, bah.
Thanks for listening to the ranting of a mad woman.
I'm having book-icidal thoughts.
I'd like to go back to yesterday morning when my imagination could run wild with 'what-ifs' about what was next. I'd rather be in what-if land forever than have this stinking pile in my brain.
There is nothing worse than an anticipated book being a big disappointment.
I just finished a 700-some page book that I bought yesterday at lunch. I've been waiting for this book for a year. I've read and re-read the books predecessors in the series probably ninety times. I love them, I love the characters, the story arc, the tension, every time I read them I feel the thrill of 'What's going to happen next?" I live each moment with my ink friends over and over as I read their saga...
And now I feel like there is a gaping hole where they used to be in my mental library of books I can rely on.
You know, books you can always pick up to be transported into that oddly fantastic not here or there place that only the loved pages can bring you?
Now I feel like I've been suckered punched by the fan-fic era.
this book was not only a disappointment in the end, but about 100 pages in I KNEW it was going to be. It read like a bad fan fiction.
Here are my gripes:
1) Too many new characters are introduced without good explanation of who they are or why they matter
2) Some chapters are written in a POV that the previous books never had been (Boo!)
3) Overly word at points and then suddenly you're re-reading paragraphs to figure out what just happened because it reads like someone forgot a sentence...
4) Characters act out of their previously set morals, obligations, ideals, etc. etc. etc. (Hiss!)
5) The 'new characters' suddenly become very important and you are supposed to care about them for no real reason (Bah!)
6) The author stops taking risks, every move is so calculated - everything on the fence. Every plot move is predictable from page ten. (save one that seriously, just sucked anyway.)
It's like if someone wrote a sequel to Hamlet and Ophelia was suddenly back from the dead and Hamlet stopped being a crazy shit, made peace with his enemies and everyone lived happily ever after. (Oh and Hamlet had all these really talented brothers and sisters that you never knew about that are really vital to the story) What a boring story that would be.
I hate things like this. I hate authors who take too much input from their audience and let that impact their vision.
I'm so pissed. I was seriously on the edge of my seat for this book... and bah. boo. hiss.
Ultimately, my sadness over what feels like loss wins out over my anger at the author.
I love some fanatic, it's such an awesome phenomenon and I love it in a weird way... but this book took all my hopes for what could have been so fantastic and crashed them like a 747 into Everest.
This author once wrote that Romeo and Juliet are only remembered because of their story. If Juliet made the safe choice and moved on after Romeo left- which then leads her to live happily with Paris... would the play still be titled Romeo and Juliet? If Romeo forgot Juliet and went back to his original target (Rosaline) would it have been a story at all, would said story have the same crackle?
There should be a resounding 'NO', here, folks. Wouldn't the point of that statement, coming from and author be that stories cant always wrap things up in pretty bows, cant be predictable and safe... that writing inst about making people happy. About making characters happy. When you place characters in certain situations you cant change who they are into who you want them to be to get the end result you want.
As an author, you cant unpaint a character from a corner when you've pretty much solidified that your character can neither fly or wait until the paint dries to extract themselves. The character either comes out the other side covered in paint, or they deal with the repercussions of staying clean.
Why didn't the authors editor, friends, family, agents, etc. (ETC ETC ETC!!!!!) Remind her that her intention as a writer isn't to please audiences, it's to write compelling and honest work?
This stinks of over thought and too many cooks in the kitchen.
Boo, hiss, bah.
Thanks for listening to the ranting of a mad woman.
I'm having book-icidal thoughts.
I'd like to go back to yesterday morning when my imagination could run wild with 'what-ifs' about what was next. I'd rather be in what-if land forever than have this stinking pile in my brain.
7/10/08
showered
Last week I went to Chicago and got to see some of my favorite people in the world. I am the luckiest gal ever.
Starting with an awesome night Chicago welcomed me with open arms.
(Arent my friends pretty people?)
Jimmy and I then went on the Wrigley field tour, which pretty much kicked ass. (pictures soon)
I got to go shopping with my mom and got a beautiful dress for my shower. The shower was held on Saturday and I felt spoiled and wonderful and loved. Nancy (MFMIL) put on a seriously beautiful day for us. My future-Aunt-Kathy made an unbelievably awesome cake and everyone looked wonderful and happy and sunshiney...
(Me and Jimmy Before the Shower)
(A Goofy One)
(My lovely hostesses)
(The soon-to-be Cadenii Clan!)
Although I reallly enjoyed the party, I was kind of sad that none of my friends came. Even so, the party was very nice, elegant and sophisticated and at the same time I really wished that someone, any of them, could have come... sadly Nancy even had a bunch of place settings with cute name cards for all of them.
Jimmy's family and I get along very well- and they day was a huge success! I really enjoyed myself. I'm a very lucky girl. I couldnt be happier to get along with my mother in law so well, her sisters, my new aunts, my new cousins. It's a strange thing to be a part of a whole new family.
To suddenly have to understand the delicate and not-so delicate reltionships of people I've only know for a couple years is tough and fun and feels like an adventure. I dont know... it's fun. It's hard to explain or find the right words for.
The whole trip was just terrific.
(Aunt Kathys house post-shower, doesnt everyone just look so happy?)
I am a lucky girl.
Starting with an awesome night Chicago welcomed me with open arms.
(Arent my friends pretty people?)
Jimmy and I then went on the Wrigley field tour, which pretty much kicked ass. (pictures soon)
I got to go shopping with my mom and got a beautiful dress for my shower. The shower was held on Saturday and I felt spoiled and wonderful and loved. Nancy (MFMIL) put on a seriously beautiful day for us. My future-Aunt-Kathy made an unbelievably awesome cake and everyone looked wonderful and happy and sunshiney...
(Me and Jimmy Before the Shower)
(A Goofy One)
(My lovely hostesses)
(The soon-to-be Cadenii Clan!)
Although I reallly enjoyed the party, I was kind of sad that none of my friends came. Even so, the party was very nice, elegant and sophisticated and at the same time I really wished that someone, any of them, could have come... sadly Nancy even had a bunch of place settings with cute name cards for all of them.
Jimmy's family and I get along very well- and they day was a huge success! I really enjoyed myself. I'm a very lucky girl. I couldnt be happier to get along with my mother in law so well, her sisters, my new aunts, my new cousins. It's a strange thing to be a part of a whole new family.
To suddenly have to understand the delicate and not-so delicate reltionships of people I've only know for a couple years is tough and fun and feels like an adventure. I dont know... it's fun. It's hard to explain or find the right words for.
The whole trip was just terrific.
(Aunt Kathys house post-shower, doesnt everyone just look so happy?)
I am a lucky girl.
6/12/08
sang
Today I sang in the car for the first time in a very long time. It was pleasant and it made me feel nostalgic.
I miss singing. It's sad that my singing days are past tense. Happily, I still feel the bubbly feeling in my chest when I sing, even to myself.
When I used to sing regularly I dont remember getting as much joy out of it as I did today, but that warm feeling that built in my chest was like an old friend that I havent seen in a long time.
It was nice to catch up.
I miss singing. It's sad that my singing days are past tense. Happily, I still feel the bubbly feeling in my chest when I sing, even to myself.
When I used to sing regularly I dont remember getting as much joy out of it as I did today, but that warm feeling that built in my chest was like an old friend that I havent seen in a long time.
It was nice to catch up.
6/8/08
dedicated
I am trying very hard to be dedicated to this blog... but sadly, I have very little to write about unless you want to hear about the traffic to and from work or my idiot co-workers antics or baby bowel movements.
My weekly routine is just that mundane.
Saturday and Sunday's are the only days that are less predicable.
My average Saturday:
Get up around 9 (ooh! sleepin' in late, Kate, live on the wild side!)
Make breakfast, or if I'm feeling really frisky Jimmy and I go out somewhere that serves organic/all natural food.
Shower? (Yeah, that's a question mark. Saturday's maybe be dirty all day, eat it!)
Clean house some... mostly pick up all the crap I've left around the house during the week and put it closer to where it belongs.
Do the dishes and start the laundry.
See a movie. ( I saw Zohan, this weekend)
Eat something tasty. (Made Chili Frito Pie today)
Watch Tivo/the cubs game if there is one. (Cubs game today...)
Try to call my parents. (usually there is no answer, but I try.)
Besides the mundane-ness of my weeks, I'm trying to be better about this blogging thing.
Sadly, I'm not that great at it. My priorities are more for keeping up my friendships outside of Texas by phone and e-mail and then wedding stuff. I'm not the best at phone calls and whatnot, but I'm trying harder to be good at it. Life is short, and I want the people I love to be a part of my life and me in theirs.
Somedays life feels bigger than I can hold.
My weekly routine is just that mundane.
Saturday and Sunday's are the only days that are less predicable.
My average Saturday:
Get up around 9 (ooh! sleepin' in late, Kate, live on the wild side!)
Make breakfast, or if I'm feeling really frisky Jimmy and I go out somewhere that serves organic/all natural food.
Shower? (Yeah, that's a question mark. Saturday's maybe be dirty all day, eat it!)
Clean house some... mostly pick up all the crap I've left around the house during the week and put it closer to where it belongs.
Do the dishes and start the laundry.
See a movie. ( I saw Zohan, this weekend)
Eat something tasty. (Made Chili Frito Pie today)
Watch Tivo/the cubs game if there is one. (Cubs game today...)
Try to call my parents. (usually there is no answer, but I try.)
Besides the mundane-ness of my weeks, I'm trying to be better about this blogging thing.
Sadly, I'm not that great at it. My priorities are more for keeping up my friendships outside of Texas by phone and e-mail and then wedding stuff. I'm not the best at phone calls and whatnot, but I'm trying harder to be good at it. Life is short, and I want the people I love to be a part of my life and me in theirs.
Somedays life feels bigger than I can hold.
5/17/08
taught (III)
For memories sake here are some things I love about my job. While taking photos for my class I captured some very hilarious photos. For the protection of those involved, here are some very funny moments that I just cant help but enjoy.
Sometimes I do love my job.
Sometimes I do love my job.
5/9/08
taught (II)
Update on the Co-worker situation:
She was not fired. She was 'talked to', shown the video of the incident and then scolded (and I think written up). Tough punishment, huh?
I am boggled by all this and am ready to seriously put the smack down on her.
In brighter news, this week was teacher appreciation week.
I'd been told by 'C' that last year she got nothing from any of the parents, and not to expect anything. Other classes, she said, usually got gift certificates and food and stuff- but she told me that the parents in our room always suck.
Sadly, for her- this years results just made the point that she sucks.
The parents got us (By us I mean me, I like to think that all the gifts were sent with me in mind. Selfish? Egotistical? Maybe.) the following awesomeness.
A huge sheet cake, candy apples, bath and body goodie basket, a movie night goodie basket with candy and a blockbuster gift certificate, a stack of big boxes of candy with another blockbuster gift certificate, a Starbucks gift certificate, a big bag of lifesavers candy (get it?), a bouquet of cookies, a big box of cookies, a handmade card with candy and another bath and body collection of sprays and lotions...
From these gifts I got the following information from my parents:
1) They know I like food
2) They know I like movies
3) They think I stink?
4) They want to fatten me up
5) I am appreciated!
I love the kids in my class and I think they have terrific parents.
On the flip side, I hate my co-worker and am devising a plan to get her fired.
Update concluded.
She was not fired. She was 'talked to', shown the video of the incident and then scolded (and I think written up). Tough punishment, huh?
I am boggled by all this and am ready to seriously put the smack down on her.
In brighter news, this week was teacher appreciation week.
I'd been told by 'C' that last year she got nothing from any of the parents, and not to expect anything. Other classes, she said, usually got gift certificates and food and stuff- but she told me that the parents in our room always suck.
Sadly, for her- this years results just made the point that she sucks.
The parents got us (By us I mean me, I like to think that all the gifts were sent with me in mind. Selfish? Egotistical? Maybe.) the following awesomeness.
A huge sheet cake, candy apples, bath and body goodie basket, a movie night goodie basket with candy and a blockbuster gift certificate, a stack of big boxes of candy with another blockbuster gift certificate, a Starbucks gift certificate, a big bag of lifesavers candy (get it?), a bouquet of cookies, a big box of cookies, a handmade card with candy and another bath and body collection of sprays and lotions...
From these gifts I got the following information from my parents:
1) They know I like food
2) They know I like movies
3) They think I stink?
4) They want to fatten me up
5) I am appreciated!
I love the kids in my class and I think they have terrific parents.
On the flip side, I hate my co-worker and am devising a plan to get her fired.
Update concluded.
5/6/08
bled
Today I got a nosebleed. In retrospect, I've never had a nosebleed that didnt lead the bad things. I really dont get nosebleeds very often, but they are memorable when I do...
Let me recount my past nosebleeds as far back as I can remember them.
1991:
Location- STA Elementary School, 3rd Grade
Age- 8
I was sitting in my classroom taking a test on my multiplication tables (the 2's) and suddenly a bright wet crimson drop fell onto my paper. My teacher took my test and made me start over.
Later that week my mother and brother got into a car accident and changed my course of my childhood.
1994:
Location- Hiawatha Elementary, 5th Grade
Age- 10
I was playing my violin (before I switched to viola) during the famed 5th grade strings, standing next to Claire Anderson, when I felt my nose get kind of cold. I set my violin down to get a tissue to avoid boogery embarrassments and a surge of blood sploshed onto my violin with a patter and onto Claire's shoes.
Later that day I peed my pants on the playground and pretended that I fell in a puddle. My mother brought me replacement clothes... plaid pants with suspenders. Why we had these pants, I'll never know. For a fifth grader it was the most embarrassing thing possible. Bleeding + Pee + Suspenders = memorably terrible day
1997:
Location- My house, 7th Grade
Age- 13
I was home sick with strep throat and I'd been sitting watching bad kids TV all day ("Allegras Window", anyone?). My mom was upstairs doing laundry (AMAZING!). The pillow under my head began to gradually feel wet, I thought my eyes were watering or something. Little did I know that my nose was steadily dripping blood.
Turns out that after cleaning up my nose debacle, my mother found the report card I'd hidden (stupidly) in my closet. Probably the most trouble I'd ever been in. At thirteen I was officially an idiot, things don't change much.
2000:
Location- Kate's House, 11th Grade
Age- 16
I was in a wonderfully bad play called "The Great All American Musical Disaster" (Which Angelaboration referred to in her last post) and I'd been in terrible trouble with my parents for failing Spanish (Sadly, I also failed it my Junior year. I, in no way, have ever been a good academic... ever). When my parents became aware of my D- in Spanish, my parents were debating pulling me from all my extra curriculars to make me concentrate on my classes. During the inevitable parental lectures about responsibility and idiocy- my nose started to ooze blood. My Dad accused me of making it bleed to get out of being yelled at. He kept yelling at me and made me use a kitchen towel to mop up my face.
My parents didn't make me quit the play, but they did call my teachers every day for the rest of the year to check up on me... it sucked. Also, they banned me from using the computer, TV, video games, phone or reading books that were for fun and not school. I'm not sure which was worse.
2004: Chicago, Summer Junior Year
Age: 20
Jimmy and I had been dating for awhile and I was sitting at my computer writing a paper. My nose started to drip, landing on my key board with a big red splotch.
Sadly, this nosebleed ended with Jimmy and I breaking up that night. Oddly enough, about two months later I got a nosebleed while I was sleeping and the next weekend Jimmy and I got back together.
2008: Dallas, Post all schooling
Age: 24
Today, in my car on the way home. And then AGAIN on the way home from dinner.
I've gotten two nosebleeds in one day. TWO. I'm double damned. Or maybe I'm double negatived? I hope the latter of the two. I don't know that getting in trouble with my mom and dad is so scary anymore... they cant ban me from TV anymore. Ha!
So what is the equivalent for an "adult" to being in trouble with your parents? Am in for double that, or am I in for something awesome?
Beware of the curse of the nosebleed.
Let me recount my past nosebleeds as far back as I can remember them.
1991:
Location- STA Elementary School, 3rd Grade
Age- 8
I was sitting in my classroom taking a test on my multiplication tables (the 2's) and suddenly a bright wet crimson drop fell onto my paper. My teacher took my test and made me start over.
Later that week my mother and brother got into a car accident and changed my course of my childhood.
1994:
Location- Hiawatha Elementary, 5th Grade
Age- 10
I was playing my violin (before I switched to viola) during the famed 5th grade strings, standing next to Claire Anderson, when I felt my nose get kind of cold. I set my violin down to get a tissue to avoid boogery embarrassments and a surge of blood sploshed onto my violin with a patter and onto Claire's shoes.
Later that day I peed my pants on the playground and pretended that I fell in a puddle. My mother brought me replacement clothes... plaid pants with suspenders. Why we had these pants, I'll never know. For a fifth grader it was the most embarrassing thing possible. Bleeding + Pee + Suspenders = memorably terrible day
1997:
Location- My house, 7th Grade
Age- 13
I was home sick with strep throat and I'd been sitting watching bad kids TV all day ("Allegras Window", anyone?). My mom was upstairs doing laundry (AMAZING!). The pillow under my head began to gradually feel wet, I thought my eyes were watering or something. Little did I know that my nose was steadily dripping blood.
Turns out that after cleaning up my nose debacle, my mother found the report card I'd hidden (stupidly) in my closet. Probably the most trouble I'd ever been in. At thirteen I was officially an idiot, things don't change much.
2000:
Location- Kate's House, 11th Grade
Age- 16
I was in a wonderfully bad play called "The Great All American Musical Disaster" (Which Angelaboration referred to in her last post) and I'd been in terrible trouble with my parents for failing Spanish (Sadly, I also failed it my Junior year. I, in no way, have ever been a good academic... ever). When my parents became aware of my D- in Spanish, my parents were debating pulling me from all my extra curriculars to make me concentrate on my classes. During the inevitable parental lectures about responsibility and idiocy- my nose started to ooze blood. My Dad accused me of making it bleed to get out of being yelled at. He kept yelling at me and made me use a kitchen towel to mop up my face.
My parents didn't make me quit the play, but they did call my teachers every day for the rest of the year to check up on me... it sucked. Also, they banned me from using the computer, TV, video games, phone or reading books that were for fun and not school. I'm not sure which was worse.
2004: Chicago, Summer Junior Year
Age: 20
Jimmy and I had been dating for awhile and I was sitting at my computer writing a paper. My nose started to drip, landing on my key board with a big red splotch.
Sadly, this nosebleed ended with Jimmy and I breaking up that night. Oddly enough, about two months later I got a nosebleed while I was sleeping and the next weekend Jimmy and I got back together.
2008: Dallas, Post all schooling
Age: 24
Today, in my car on the way home. And then AGAIN on the way home from dinner.
I've gotten two nosebleeds in one day. TWO. I'm double damned. Or maybe I'm double negatived? I hope the latter of the two. I don't know that getting in trouble with my mom and dad is so scary anymore... they cant ban me from TV anymore. Ha!
So what is the equivalent for an "adult" to being in trouble with your parents? Am in for double that, or am I in for something awesome?
Beware of the curse of the nosebleed.
5/4/08
work
Okay- so I've been a terrible blogger since I started this blog oh so long ago... I've decided that I'm going to be better. I'm going to blog about my life more often, about my job, about my thoughts and plans.
I really wish I were keeping better track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember how I felt, what I thought about things, myself, politics, work, family, Jimmy... life only happens once and my memory isn't as good as I'd like. The things I remember are garbled and half dream so often that I really don't want to leave all my recollections with my brain. Instead I'd like them written somewhere that can never be lost and it seems like the Internet is the only thing I know that can never forget.
So here goes a non-new years resolution. I will write more blogs. In fact- I will write twice a week or so and document my life better. I wont resolve to write about anything in particular- but I do resolve to write.
thus the following excerpt from my life:
I currently hate my co-worker and co-teacher, lets call her C. She is an idiot. She is the kind of person who makes us all stupider by procreating. She is terrible at her job. She is one of those people that complains about everything, is a tedious one-upper and gives everyone terrible and unsolicited advice.
She is the root of the problem in America. I don't know how she has made it this far in life without being hit by a bus or driving off the edge of something steep. Sadly I feel bad for her. It's a horrible catch 22 where one minute I'm determined to get her fired and crushed like a bug and the next I feel like I'd only be upset if I did so- since she is seriously pathetic.
She refuses to change diapers, watch the playground, teach lessons, clean the classroom, do paperwork, play with the kids...
Her favorite and ONLY activities include plating lunch and telling parents how to raise their children. It's infuriating.
The parents hate her. Quita (my awesomely named hard-working co-worker) hates her. The other teachers hate her. The kids cry and when she (rarely) tries to comfort them, they scream even louder making me think that they hate her too. I see her do ridiculous things and I'm torn as to whether or not she's seriously deranged or seriously insipid.
My dilemma is that she is a mother of a six year old, she's under weight by about fifty pounds and she's poor enough that she cant driver her car to and from work.
I'd hate to get her fired, but 13 seventeen month-olds in one room, pushing and biting and yelling is too much chaos for one person to handle. I need a co-teacher that is mentally and physically there everyday. I'm tired of the kids hurting one another and not getting through the whole lesson plan because they are too out of control.
I've asked the administration to talk to her (and they have, twice) and there has been no change...
Friday she got on my very last nerve and also put my class in danger.
See, in my classroom there are very low kids tables for lunch etc. and the kids sometimes try to climb on top of them. They are incorrigible. You say, "No" and they just smile at you while they continue to do it. They laugh and it's hard to be mad... anyway- I was doing the 10:30 diaper change and the kids were all climbing on the table. It was "C's" job to be watching them and occupying them with reading time on the carpet.
Instead she was holding her favorite kid and playing only with them while the other 12 kids just ran wild.
Now, generally when my hands arent full of diaper- I take the class and do an activity, art, music, blocks, colors... whatever and keep them ALL occupied instead of just one or two of them interested I keep them all involved (and out of trouble).
(I also do all the cleaning...)
Instead, C ignored them all climbing on the table and started just yelling at them. Then when they kept climbing up there and laughing she didn't distract them with a game, or a book or toys- she started screaming at them.
Then she lost her cool and took two of the kids on the table and tipped them head down off the table so their faces were inches from the ground and hung them there. They, of course started crying and trying to get free- and she said this:
"See, that's what you get when you disobey Ms.C." Then she turned her back and left them hanging off the edge of the table.
I told my boss I needed to speak with her and she brushed me off until Monday when I'm not sure what to say besides, you need to review the tape of our classroom at 10:34am from Friday. (There is a video feed from the room for the parents to watch their kids "grow" while they are at work)
And see what she does from there.
I'm still torn- but the latter side is so much heavier. She doesn't need to be working with kids. She needs to be working with groceries.
I'm surprised that I'm so angry still, just writing this. It's silly, but serious, and confusing and not...
I don't know. Do you?
ps.
I really wish I were keeping better track of my life. I want to be able to look back and remember how I felt, what I thought about things, myself, politics, work, family, Jimmy... life only happens once and my memory isn't as good as I'd like. The things I remember are garbled and half dream so often that I really don't want to leave all my recollections with my brain. Instead I'd like them written somewhere that can never be lost and it seems like the Internet is the only thing I know that can never forget.
So here goes a non-new years resolution. I will write more blogs. In fact- I will write twice a week or so and document my life better. I wont resolve to write about anything in particular- but I do resolve to write.
thus the following excerpt from my life:
I currently hate my co-worker and co-teacher, lets call her C. She is an idiot. She is the kind of person who makes us all stupider by procreating. She is terrible at her job. She is one of those people that complains about everything, is a tedious one-upper and gives everyone terrible and unsolicited advice.
She is the root of the problem in America. I don't know how she has made it this far in life without being hit by a bus or driving off the edge of something steep. Sadly I feel bad for her. It's a horrible catch 22 where one minute I'm determined to get her fired and crushed like a bug and the next I feel like I'd only be upset if I did so- since she is seriously pathetic.
She refuses to change diapers, watch the playground, teach lessons, clean the classroom, do paperwork, play with the kids...
Her favorite and ONLY activities include plating lunch and telling parents how to raise their children. It's infuriating.
The parents hate her. Quita (my awesomely named hard-working co-worker) hates her. The other teachers hate her. The kids cry and when she (rarely) tries to comfort them, they scream even louder making me think that they hate her too. I see her do ridiculous things and I'm torn as to whether or not she's seriously deranged or seriously insipid.
My dilemma is that she is a mother of a six year old, she's under weight by about fifty pounds and she's poor enough that she cant driver her car to and from work.
I'd hate to get her fired, but 13 seventeen month-olds in one room, pushing and biting and yelling is too much chaos for one person to handle. I need a co-teacher that is mentally and physically there everyday. I'm tired of the kids hurting one another and not getting through the whole lesson plan because they are too out of control.
I've asked the administration to talk to her (and they have, twice) and there has been no change...
Friday she got on my very last nerve and also put my class in danger.
See, in my classroom there are very low kids tables for lunch etc. and the kids sometimes try to climb on top of them. They are incorrigible. You say, "No" and they just smile at you while they continue to do it. They laugh and it's hard to be mad... anyway- I was doing the 10:30 diaper change and the kids were all climbing on the table. It was "C's" job to be watching them and occupying them with reading time on the carpet.
Instead she was holding her favorite kid and playing only with them while the other 12 kids just ran wild.
Now, generally when my hands arent full of diaper- I take the class and do an activity, art, music, blocks, colors... whatever and keep them ALL occupied instead of just one or two of them interested I keep them all involved (and out of trouble).
(I also do all the cleaning...)
Instead, C ignored them all climbing on the table and started just yelling at them. Then when they kept climbing up there and laughing she didn't distract them with a game, or a book or toys- she started screaming at them.
Then she lost her cool and took two of the kids on the table and tipped them head down off the table so their faces were inches from the ground and hung them there. They, of course started crying and trying to get free- and she said this:
"See, that's what you get when you disobey Ms.C." Then she turned her back and left them hanging off the edge of the table.
I told my boss I needed to speak with her and she brushed me off until Monday when I'm not sure what to say besides, you need to review the tape of our classroom at 10:34am from Friday. (There is a video feed from the room for the parents to watch their kids "grow" while they are at work)
And see what she does from there.
I'm still torn- but the latter side is so much heavier. She doesn't need to be working with kids. She needs to be working with groceries.
I'm surprised that I'm so angry still, just writing this. It's silly, but serious, and confusing and not...
I don't know. Do you?
ps.
4/6/08
taught
In the past few weeks I've been very very busy. My new job as a teacher at a preschool is both time consuming and exhausting. I half love it, half wish I were doing anything but this...
But by the third day of work the little munchkins in my class had wormed their way into my heart and I was hooked on their easy laughter and big adoring eyes.
I have thirteen 12 - 18 month olds in my class. The age where their parents still think they are babies, but they (almost all) walk, talk and learn so quickly it's mind blowing. They are fascinating, and lovable and they make everyday of a stinking job wonderful.
There is Reese, Reece, Jonathan, Caroline, Blake, Greyson, Tristan, Christian, Trenton, Katie, Bryce, Aiden & Taylor...
Although this week Caroline, Blake, Aiden and Greyson moved into the big kid class and I got new students (Caitlyn, Hudson, Jackson and McKinley)
This coming week I'm losing Katie and Jonathan and getting two new mystery students...
It's weird. These kids spend 40+ hours a week at the so-called preschool/day care/ "Development Center" with me nurturing them... I see them from 7:00am until 6:30pm almost everyday and it's really easy to get attached to them.
I've seen a number of first steps, first words, first sentences. I've taught them how to do things, how to play, how to eat solid food... it's pretty amazing, and at the same time, it's heart breaking. These kids just need someone supporting them, teaching them and loving them- somehow these parents are in situations where they can pay 30,000+ a year for preschool but cannot afford to spend any of that time with their kids.
It's hard to imagine or have sympathy for them. These kids are terrific and they deserve to have mommy and daddy want to be there when they take their first step, or make the correlation between cow's and moo-ing. It sounds trite and silly... but it's an eye opening job. It's hard to explain, but I feel like a changed person having seen the things I've seen.
Perspective is a tricky thing.
But by the third day of work the little munchkins in my class had wormed their way into my heart and I was hooked on their easy laughter and big adoring eyes.
I have thirteen 12 - 18 month olds in my class. The age where their parents still think they are babies, but they (almost all) walk, talk and learn so quickly it's mind blowing. They are fascinating, and lovable and they make everyday of a stinking job wonderful.
There is Reese, Reece, Jonathan, Caroline, Blake, Greyson, Tristan, Christian, Trenton, Katie, Bryce, Aiden & Taylor...
Although this week Caroline, Blake, Aiden and Greyson moved into the big kid class and I got new students (Caitlyn, Hudson, Jackson and McKinley)
This coming week I'm losing Katie and Jonathan and getting two new mystery students...
It's weird. These kids spend 40+ hours a week at the so-called preschool/day care/ "Development Center" with me nurturing them... I see them from 7:00am until 6:30pm almost everyday and it's really easy to get attached to them.
I've seen a number of first steps, first words, first sentences. I've taught them how to do things, how to play, how to eat solid food... it's pretty amazing, and at the same time, it's heart breaking. These kids just need someone supporting them, teaching them and loving them- somehow these parents are in situations where they can pay 30,000+ a year for preschool but cannot afford to spend any of that time with their kids.
It's hard to imagine or have sympathy for them. These kids are terrific and they deserve to have mommy and daddy want to be there when they take their first step, or make the correlation between cow's and moo-ing. It sounds trite and silly... but it's an eye opening job. It's hard to explain, but I feel like a changed person having seen the things I've seen.
Perspective is a tricky thing.
2/16/08
eclipsed
I don't have words for the feeling that is building so I'm going to borrow others.
Children run so fast/Toward the future/From the past/There they stand/Making footprints in the sand/And forever, hand in hand...
-Ragtime
"We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom."
- Anonymous
"To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright."
-?
"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
-A. Camus
"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."
-K. Nair
"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-Buddha
Tonight was the lunar eclipse. I remember the last one I saw and it has been imprinted in me as one of the most serene and awed moments of my growing up. Tonight's was just as amazing and it made me miss my sister and remember how tangible wonder can be.
I am so close to the wood's edge that I can see the moon clearly- all I need is to take those few steps to be back into myself again. I am terrified and energized and so blissfully happy to be where I am at.
Children run so fast/Toward the future/From the past/There they stand/Making footprints in the sand/And forever, hand in hand...
-Ragtime
"We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom."
- Anonymous
"To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright."
-?
"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
-A. Camus
"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."
-K. Nair
"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-Buddha
Tonight was the lunar eclipse. I remember the last one I saw and it has been imprinted in me as one of the most serene and awed moments of my growing up. Tonight's was just as amazing and it made me miss my sister and remember how tangible wonder can be.
I am so close to the wood's edge that I can see the moon clearly- all I need is to take those few steps to be back into myself again. I am terrified and energized and so blissfully happy to be where I am at.
2/2/08
sidetracked
Amidst all this doctoring and getting better and finding Kate in a Kateless world I've been sidetracked into my own littleness and the orb that surrounds me moment to moment.
Today I made a resolution (prompted by one of my doctors) that I must do the following things everyday:
1. Leave the house
2. Go to the gym (get exercise)
3. Talk to someone outside my family
4. Be brave
5. Stop worrying
On top of the doctor's (other) orders, this is a lot of doctors orders:
1. No Caffeine
2. No Sugar
3. No Carbs
4. No non-organic products
5. No non-hormonal products
6. Take Omega 3 Fish Oil (x2 Daily, in Natural Lemon Flavor! Yum!!)
7. Take Vessel Care (x2 Daily)
8. Take Zinc (x2 Daily)
9. Take Selenium (x1 Daily)
10. Take Meta-I 3 C (x2 Daily)
11. Take Multigenics Intensive Care Supplements (x2 Daily)
12. Take Zertec D (x2 Daily)
13. Take Atavan (x2 Daily)
14. Take Ambien CR for sleep
15. Drink Water
16. Must have at least 1 Serving of Soy a day
17. No Liquor
18. No Salt
19. No Chocolate
20. No Fatty foods (No Butte or anything containing butter)
21. No Cured meats (ex: No ham)
22. No artificial sweeteners
On top of this my doctor told me that my portions should also be reduced... I said NO to that.
If all I can eat is nuts, twigs and bark then I'm going to eat all the goddamn bark I fucking want. Got that DOC?
Although- there really isn't anything satisfying about any of the food I'm allowed to have so I really find myself eating "about a deck of card or less" sized portion of anything.
It's aggravating. The one thing I try to rebel on and I cant...
To give my doctors some credit, I do feel better. MUCH better than I did, at least... and that is something.
I am finding Kate even though I'm eating lots of well... I'm not really eating lots of anything. I'm finding Kate regardless of what's on the menu.
It's been over two weeks on this new life plan and while it's all hurrah for me and what-not- I hope that in the near future that an "organic" company comes out with a delicious tasting Chicken Noodle soup. So far I've tried three that tasted like wet tuna, onions or air... there's got to be a tasty organic soup out there. If this is supposed to stick for the rest of my life then I'm going to need to re-negotiate with the soup makers in this world.
Today I made a resolution (prompted by one of my doctors) that I must do the following things everyday:
1. Leave the house
2. Go to the gym (get exercise)
3. Talk to someone outside my family
4. Be brave
5. Stop worrying
On top of the doctor's (other) orders, this is a lot of doctors orders:
1. No Caffeine
2. No Sugar
3. No Carbs
4. No non-organic products
5. No non-hormonal products
6. Take Omega 3 Fish Oil (x2 Daily, in Natural Lemon Flavor! Yum!!)
7. Take Vessel Care (x2 Daily)
8. Take Zinc (x2 Daily)
9. Take Selenium (x1 Daily)
10. Take Meta-I 3 C (x2 Daily)
11. Take Multigenics Intensive Care Supplements (x2 Daily)
12. Take Zertec D (x2 Daily)
13. Take Atavan (x2 Daily)
14. Take Ambien CR for sleep
15. Drink Water
16. Must have at least 1 Serving of Soy a day
17. No Liquor
18. No Salt
19. No Chocolate
20. No Fatty foods (No Butte or anything containing butter)
21. No Cured meats (ex: No ham)
22. No artificial sweeteners
On top of this my doctor told me that my portions should also be reduced... I said NO to that.
If all I can eat is nuts, twigs and bark then I'm going to eat all the goddamn bark I fucking want. Got that DOC?
Although- there really isn't anything satisfying about any of the food I'm allowed to have so I really find myself eating "about a deck of card or less" sized portion of anything.
It's aggravating. The one thing I try to rebel on and I cant...
To give my doctors some credit, I do feel better. MUCH better than I did, at least... and that is something.
I am finding Kate even though I'm eating lots of well... I'm not really eating lots of anything. I'm finding Kate regardless of what's on the menu.
It's been over two weeks on this new life plan and while it's all hurrah for me and what-not- I hope that in the near future that an "organic" company comes out with a delicious tasting Chicken Noodle soup. So far I've tried three that tasted like wet tuna, onions or air... there's got to be a tasty organic soup out there. If this is supposed to stick for the rest of my life then I'm going to need to re-negotiate with the soup makers in this world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
