lit

It's flickering, but it's lit.


I'm doing my best. Things will work out. I will work out.


Jimmy is Jimmy.

I am me.



My life is still so unused...






I have hope though, it's a small little candle- but I'm not going to let it go out.

dark

Warning: This post took me about two hours to press the "Publish Post" button on this entry.



Things can change so quickly, I hope tomorrow is one of those days that spin everything on it's ass again and the dice come out of the cup in a yatzee.

I could use that.





Since there are like, three people I know that read this blog I am going to confess some things that I'm not sure I want to talk about- but generally once things are written down you can figure them out better... or something.


I'd love to put these things into a cute little list with quips and comments, but I don't know how to do that and be honest with myself.

I'm depressed- and I don't know how to deal with it very well. It's much harder than I thought- those stupid 'depression' commercials aren't funny anymore. The color has drained out of my life- everything is grey and I feel like it's all my fault. Things this week got suddenly so bad I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I pushed the limits on how long someone can cry and still be hydrated enough to survive it.

I have moved home to my parents and I'm too afraid to call my friends and tell them. I don't know how long I'll be here. I feel like I've been banished from my life and been sent to rehab or an alternate universe.

It is good that I am here though. I've been here since Monday and it's a pretty shitty start to the year. I miss Jimmy and Gob- but this is okay for now. I am in limbo and it's nice to not wake up and worry that I'll ruin Jimmy's life any second.

In fact, I don't know if I'm getting married in September. (Those of you reading this, please don't gossip about this- I'm really asking you seriously. I don't want to hear about this or have people who don't read this know... okay? I know, I'm putting this in the Internet and anyone could technically read this, but please. I'm asking you- don't call your high school buddies and say, ' did you hear about Kate?, Jeez- how pathetic is she?'- one, I already know how pathetic this is. I cant help it. My brain is a traitor. And two- I cant really function beyond wake up and go to sleep these days- so I cant really add hunt you down and beat you up to the list. Just a little respect is all I ask. I'm sure in a few years we can all sit around a giggle at what my brain chemistry turned me into way back in 2008.) I say this because I don't know, he doesn't know...

I feel like I'm going to black out as I'm writing this. My heart is pounding and my hands are sweating. This is all very hard to say.

I've been pretty sick for the past couple months and to say the least, it didn't help the whole 'I don't have a job', 'plan a wedding', 'So the ham went bad?', 'YOU take out the garbage' parts of being new at living together and starting a life.

It really scares me- the idea that the wedding wouldn't happen... I mean, big deal- no wedding hoopla... but the idea of not being with Jimmy, being his wife and he my husband makes me want to cry and beg and apologize like my life depends on it. That in itself points out the fact that I really am sick. That sentence so isn't me. I wouldn't say that... but I am.

I want to be Jimmy's wife and I want him to be my husband. My other half. He already is, and I am his... but I want the piece of paper. I just do. Is that okay? Why cant I feel anything beyond despair?

I miss myself. I miss Jimmy. I miss having a life.


Tomorrow I see a couple doctors and then Saturday I see some more... and I hope it turns out to be Hypothyroid because that would just be so easy to fix. And I would be better right away and feel like life isn't just a well that you cant climb out of.

That'd be nice. I remember thinking about life as something good, I remember thinking of it as something awesome and sparkly... and really FEELING AWE. And now remembering that I feel more about it than I have in months. Oh, wait- it's gone.







So, here I am taking a break from me and Jimmy and life and everything and if it weren't for my mom and dad I think I would have done something I'd really regret. Like shave my head and beat up a car with an umbrella....


Mantra?

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, please, wake up....

blogged

Honest to Blog, this year I have had a time. (Who knows those two media references?)

A Year in Review...
Thinking about all of it kind of makes me head want to explode.

Highlights:

Living with Kendra and Lucas (Carpe Noctum!)
Passport Resume Builder
Seeing the first movie I produced on DVD
IMDB
Moving to Dallas
Living with Jimmy
Tom staying for the summer
Being Proposed to
Saying Yes (Badly, but lovingly)
Having some work
Going to Baltimore
Getting a Gob
Planning a Wedding
Thanksgiving & The Shower
Meeting Liam
Learning to Cook
Christmas with the Family
Hope


Lowlights:

Getting sick
Menapause
Long Distance Relationship
Moving
Leaving My LA Friends
Not Having Dallas Friends
Being a Sourpuss
Being Jobless
24th Birthday
Hopelessness
Missing My Friends
No Sara at Christmas
Being Sick

Hopes for 2008:

Get Well
Project with Tom
Get Job
Get Happy

To Do for 2008:

Floss more often
Vaccuum more often
Hang up clothes after washing them, NOT leaving them in a pile on the chair.
Be positive
Show people I love that I do, love them, more often.
No more bad haircuts!
Get Married
Read More
Write More (Especially To Sara)
Cook More
Learn something new




2008 is our year. I can feel it.



Happy New Year

eved II

I'm losing it quickly- apparently it's called Hypothyroidism... although finding out last night that I no longer have medical insurance puts a damper on feeling better anytime soon. I have lost myself somewhere and whatever this is that I've fallen into- I hate and want me back.

eved

Today is Christmas eve and I dont feel much holiday spirit. I have had the sense of dread and misery for weeks now, maybe months- I lost count.

I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstaps and put on a happy face and think positive and none of that has left me with any more hope for tomorrow.

I'm afraid that Jimmy doesnt love me anymore. I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop. I am afraid that I will never find a job. I am afraid that my hair will never be shiny again. I'm afraid that one of these mornings I really wont get out of bed. I am afraid of how much I dislike myself lately.


I almost wish I didnt exist, then all these things couldnt be painful. I want a big huge rest where I am safe and warm and dont have to worry about anything, and when I wake up this huge rock that is crushing my chest will be gone.

I know the majority of the fears I have are silly and untrue... but knowing that it is one way doesnt mean I can make myself feel that way.




Merry Christmas- I hope next year that this feeling is long gone and I am myself again.

figured

I figured that by now I'd understand a lot more than I do.

I figured by now I'd know my times tables by heart, or way the refs in football throw yellow flags and not red ones, or why sometimes I wake up with yellow crusties in the corner of my eye....

But I don't. And I'm not sorry that I don't.

I kind of feel like I'm still learning every day.

For example, today I learned something very important. Let me set the stage for you.

It is raining buckets here in Dallas and by 4:30 it is pitch dark. So today when I walked the dog around five pm, it was like that scene in Pirates of The Caribbean, where it's pouring and they're all sword fighting and swash buckling on the deck of the ship- only I wasn't on a pirate ship or wearing pirate boots (which would have been handy since my socks were soaked the moment I stepped out the door) and I wasn't carrying a sword.

Anyway, my puppy is very happy to be walking in the rain because it makes the big white cat who lives next door hide under bushes where it is easier for my lovely mutt to terrorize and try to wrestle with. The cat-next-door is not amused by any of this and often hisses and tries to jump on me like I am going to save her from the dog, which causes chaos and yelling and barking and hissing since I am allergic and slightly afraid of cats claws and this one is about fifteen pounds over weight... I am a regular Jack Handy.

So I pull Gob (my dog) away from feral cat under the bushes next to the house and try to make him go to the bathroom quickly because the wetness is seeping up the legs of my jeans almost to my knees. As we round the corner to the house I see the fucking next-door cat not under the bushes, but lurking on our doorstep! So I cant get close to the house until it goes away, not wanting another animal encounter I stand about fifteen feet away and yell at it through the rain to get off my damn porch.

Gob is tugging furiously at his leash and lolling his tongue all over the place like the cat is going to play with him, which he's not. Fucking cat.

So as I'm yelling at the furry ball on my porch steps, it decides to start in our direction down the path, which makes Gob go crazier and me keep yelling ridiculous and cliche things like, "Scat!" and "Shoo" (only I follow up with a choice curse word or fowl nickname for the cat- "Shoo, fucknut!" "Scat, you asshat!")

As the cat is coming towards us in the rain I realize that it, by choice, came out into the wet weatherand is moving REALLY fast- which is weird... and then I squint through the pelting raindrops and realize that the thing coming towards me and my slap-happy dog is no cat.

It is the biggest mother fucking Possum in history. And it looks mean! When I usually think of possums, I think of cute little hanging furballs and whiskers.... like this.



But no, I had to end up with a charging snarling blob of white evil possum-ness. It came at Gob and I so fast- and really, this is where I learned my lesson.

I learned the following things in those few seconds while a Opossum the size of an over weight house cat ran full speed at me and my puppy.

1) Do not antagonize things (especially animals), not matter how cranky or sopping wet you are. The term, "asshat" is not nice to call anyone, and apparently Possums are just as opposed to it as my ex-boss was.

2) Do not under estimate the size of Texas animals.

3) No matter what I've heard or read- animals that may look cute in photos are not in real life. (ie: Opossums, spider monkeys, ferrets)

And most importantly-
4) When being charged by a furious animal in the pouring rain, do not freeze. Move. Run. Hide. DO SOMETHING.

Instead when being faced with this:



I held completely still and was saved at the last moment when Gob also realizing that this was not a friendly encounter- but a vicious rodent the size of a car tire hell bent on ripping our faces off. Gob suddenly stopped struggling against his leash, stood stalk still and barked- loudly over the rain. Accomplishing two things: scaring the crap out of both me and the rodent.

Post Bark- the rodent scurried into the nearest bushes and I cut and ran to the house.


I figure, that's a pretty good life lesson for a rainy day. Useful. 

celebrated

Today is my brithday. In the past I've spent it with family, at school, at work or with friends...

This year I'm spending it with my puppy, Gob, a 24 pack of coke and a pound of bacon.


+ + =


Yeah, that's right.

It's my fucking 24th birthday and I'm celebrating in style.


Jimmy is working (since 5am) and wont be home until 7ish tonight, so I have all day to watch the Law & Order Marathon and bask in my old age...

planned

Up and coming...

OCTOBER
Happy Halloween!

NOVEMBER:
Dan and Lynn Visit
Drive to Michigan with Jimmy and Gob
See Mom, Dad, Sara and Tom
Meet the infamous Liam
Get my teeth cleaned
Paint Pottery
See Meadow Brook Hall
Play with flower ideas/decoration ideas
Look at dresses with Mom and Sara
See family!
Have Family Thanksgiving
Have Thanksgiving @ Grammys
Have Thanksgiving at Bonmas
Day-After Thanksgiving Shopping
Wedding Shower!
Introducing both sides of the families
Introducing Jimmy's family
Thanzgivin
Drive home

DECEMBER:
My Brithday!
Tom's Birthday!
Christmas in Dallas- Mom, Dad, Tom, Nancy, Rey, Dan and Julian? Who knows?
Watch the McClains dogs
New Years Eve with Jimmy

JANUARY
4 week prodcution on feature

FEBURARY
..... sleep
Sara's Birthday


MARCH
Feature #2?

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

Get Married.



Jeez. I cant wait! There is so much to do and be excited about... and honestly, I today I feel like I can do anything.

year

A year from today, I will be doing my hair, buttoning up my dress, battling nerves, and walking down the isle.

A year from today I'll be saying, "I do."

I will be agreeing to be a part of a new family, to make my own, to start with the man that I love, to be with him, by his side, and he by mine until... well, always.

Forever is such a hard word. Forever doenst fit- it's too trivial, and not long enough- and yet too long. It's too long to say that word. Forever makes me think of Sysiphus- not Jimmy.

Always. And. True.

Those words make me think of Jimmy.

Those words are the ones that I want to say to him. They might find their way to my lips a year from today. They might not, instead I have a feeling I'll cry and hug and beam.

He is my best friend, my lover, my partner and my other half. I keep thinking the "What if" thoughts.

Thinking, what if I had slept with so&so, what if we hadnt made the choices we did? And each time I roll through the maybes and the possiblities in my head, living out each possible life to today-

And in each one, each life without Jimmy- it is pale and aches. I think of the job I would have and then wonder who would I call with good and bad news? Not Jimmy? And my heart pulls. I think of the place I might sleep and I wonder who would be next to me? Not Jimmy? And my throat tightens. I think of the place I might live, sunny and blue in my daydreams- but empty. Like an episode of Cold Case or Without a Trace...

And then I flicker back to reality. To the sunny kitchen, the tickling while I brush my teeth, waking up from a nightmare and having warm arms already soothing, the kisses that wake me up in the early hours, the bickering over groceries, the handholding at the movies, the sense of pride when we make it, the late night conversations about family and things we dream.

I am in a place I neve imagined. I am in a place that I never dreamed about.

And yet, now, right now- I cant think of a life I'd rather have. I would love to see more of the world, I would love to explore different lives- but nothing changes those daydreams. Jimmy is always there. In Spain. In Vancouver. In Ireland. In Australia. In Seattle. Its us, together- no matter where or when.

This is more than I meant to write and more then I thought I had to say.

One year. Right now. Today. How terrifying and exciting.

born

Last night I had a dream about my life- about my life in two, five, ten years...

I was me, and I was in a house that over looked a lake with waves that you could hear from the bedroom.

In that bedroom I sat in a rocking chair and held my baby. My daughter- who was so vivid and beautiful I could smell her skin and feel her hair- light brown and so soft it fell through my fingers, her eyes were huge and blue - they were Jimmy's eyes. She was te most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She ahs no name, though. Not yet.

In the room my sister stood over a crib, only Sara was taller, with a short bob of a hair cut- she smiled down into the crib and pulled out her own child. A little girl, too. With dark red hair and brown eyes. The baby had such white skin with rosy little cheeks-


Sara and I sat with a lamp on, and the waves rushed out the window and Jimmy was on the stairs, climbing to say hello and Sara and I sat. And smiled. And were silent.

Jimmy brought in hat for the babies, hats that wee put on their heads and suddenly the image of me holding my daughter wearing that hat, sitting next to my sister and my neice was a photo in my hands and I was onlder. Much older- telling a story about that day- pointing to the hat in the photo and saying how Jimmy bought it because September was so cold that year- but beautiful. How it was abeautiful fall that year.

shoved

So- I am myself again.

I am over the shock of the wonderful things that have happend in the last month and am really really elated.


I am getting MARRIED!!! To the most wonderful, patient, understanding, funny, and loving man in the world.

The job at the front desk of FWC is going well... but I think the majority of people in the world are dumber than me, and maybe I need a dose of humility- that or everyone to agree that they are stupid and need to be working at McDonalds instead of somewhere that they are underqualified...

That's just one possiblity, though. I've got thousands.

I miss my sister and want to show her the bridesmaid dresses that I like and think she would look kick-ass in.

Also, we never really went over the fact that she is my maid of honor- and that means she has duites to perform... which I'm happy to do for her since she is very far away, but none-the-less I want her to accept the job and stand next to me on my wedding day.


Tom is leaving Dallas in a couple weeks for school- it's wierd to think in six months all three Grady kids will be out of college and into the real world trying to make it as adults. Geez. What happend to piggy-wanna-signal and couch forts?

discontented

So. I have everything. Everything imaginable to make one happy.

I have a loving, amazing family.
I have a supportive, incredible fiance.
I have a great education.
I have a working car.
I have food in my belly.
I have clothes on my back.
I have a bed to sleep in....

The only thing I have been missing in the past three months is a job. I have been down and cranky and sad and depressed all because I felt useless, impotent and horrible- basically jobless.



Today I got a job.

Somehow, not only do I not feel better- I feel worse. Like I want to cry. Not just any old cry- I want to cry like my life depends on it. I want to cry so hard my throat hurts and my eyes sting and my face swells up like I've been stung by a bee.

Maybe it's my period, (Which shouldnt be happening in the first place- AND after six months of forced menopause, shouldn't suck... it still does. Badly. Waisted time, waisted money.) Maybe it's my attitude. Maybe it's just me. I feel like Aunt Karen. Maybe the desire to cry is because I'm relieved... but I don't think so.


The job doesn't start until September- maybe it's facing that many more weeks of nothingness... or maybe it's the remote possibility that this is some sort of un-funny cosmic joke. In a month and a half I'll get a call,

"Sorry, Kate. We found someone else..."

I want a fucking doughnut. I hate doughnuts and I want one. Fuck you. Fuck your mother.

Eat shit and die.


How am I so ungrateful? Maybe this is just Karma. I desrve to be unhappy when I have everything I've ever wanted.

I am a Producer... at a real company. I am going to marry a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. My family is happy.





What the fuck is my problem, and why dont I have anyone to blame but myself?

left

Left, not like the direction, or the hand-

but... like tomorrow I will say, "I have left LA"

I will say, "I have left Passport"

I will say, "I left Kendra"

I will say, "I have left my bed"

I will say, "I have left my life"

Left is such a funny word.

I left my heart in San Fransisco... I left my purse at the bar. I left my dignity in Chicago. I left my car keys at home. I left homework in my locker. I left my towel on the floor. I left my headlights on. I left home. I left my waitress a tip. I left my viola. I left my aspirations to be a singer. I left my TV on.

I have left a lot of things. I have a left hand. I have a left foot. I have two left feet. I have made many left turns.



I have made a life here that is 100% mine. That I worked for and starved for and struggled for.

I am ready, though- to leave that and put it into the past tense. I am ready to cross the country again and try again until I find it. Until I find the place I dont want to leave anymore.

past

A year ago today I was at a bar in Wrigleyville drinking large festive Mardi Gras drinks, eating jumbalya and being single-ish for the first time in a long time. Jimmy had told me that he didnt want to be US anymore.

And at that point, I was ready to drink, be young, and be merry.

I got Thad's number that night. He was tall, dark and handsome and I told him I'd call. I didnt. He showed up once at my apartment (being the best friend of my upstairs neighbor) and I tried to be nice- but I only looked like a jerk.

I wonder what would have happened if I had called?

Would I now be single out here in LA? Would I have had a one-night stand? Would it have changed anything?

I was working at Bennigans, finishing classes, nannying and spending my tip money on booze and bingo-nights.

I made friends that were girls (Micheala and Kendra and Rochelle and Sarah) and we had a nice long crazy drunk girls night out before we all had to open th next day.

It was different than the majority of my nights as a college student. Seeing as I worked two jobs or more at any one time and went to school full time and had three roomates and a boyfriend and a life... and then that night I felt like I didnt have any of those thing, those responsibilities.

I was a free woman for one night, and a cute, sweet boy chatted me up and told me funny stories and said I was beautiful and that he'd like to take me out.

I wonder what would be different if anything, if I chose to be that girl?

Would I be as happy as I am now with the choices I'm making?

Does it matter? Probably not, but it's nice to know that I've taken advantage of my options. I did everything in the college handbook.

-Get rip-roaring drunk and endd up on a park bench
-Get rip roaring drunk and have crazy stupid sex
-Get rip-roaring drunk and cry... a lot.
-Try drugs
-Write papers
-Sleep on random friend's couches
-Have random people on your couch every weekend
-Have a job (or six)
-Explore the city
-Get hired
-Get fired
-Learn about things your parents never knew
-Learn the things the hard way that your parents tried to teach you
-Learn things that you never wanted to know
-Learn things that make you who you are
-Throw up in a public place
-Throw up on others
-Eat things that are theoretically disgusting (and often turn out to be actually disgusting)
-Eat things that your mom never bought you
-Gain weight
-Lose weight
-Overdraw your bank account
-Put in your first big paycheck
-Meet new people who turn out to be freaks
-Meet freaks who turn out to be reallly great friends
-Think you know what you want
-Change your mind
-Figure out what you want
-Love somebody
-Hate that same somebody
-Fall in real love
-Fall out of real love
-Get a degree
-Have a party and make your last bad decisions as a College Student
-Move away
-Get a Job



I think I've covered all my bases. I've checked every box and crossed every t and now... I'm ready I think. Ready to accept my life for what it is. It's fun to look back, at those vivid moments that you didnt know at the time were a decision that led you to today.

And last year, today was one of mine. And maybe today, in five years this will be another.

For now, I'm ready to get up tomorrow morining and be glad I dont have the hang-over I did last year and be glad that I'm no longer living off Bingo winnings and tips.

unslept

Too tired to sleep. How does that happen?

I took and amazing hike today (check my myspace) in the mountains. Who knew that the amazing trails were just minutes from my house with breath-taking views and a breath-taking workout? It was fun, all the hills and mountian climbing and river crossing and rock jumping and waterfall watching and wading in oas-i (what is the plural of oasis?)...

But it got me thinking- if I move to Dallas what else will I be losing? I mean, I know the pros and the cons- but it's days like today that I would never have in Dallas.

Days like today that make me feel very sad to leave- but not sad enough.

The only reasons that really make me second guess myself are as follows:

1. I dont want to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY move my shit.
2. I dont want to lose the only friend I've got.

I think number two really is the one that I'm most concerned about. I dont even think I can talk about it.

missed

To know you are missed is one of the most heartwarming things in the world. To miss someone is one of the most heart wrenching things you can imagine. When both happen at the same time- it feels like love.

I know love, today.

It has been over a week- and to not set my head on his belly, or have a tooth-brushing buddy, or a snuggle under the covers morning. Those moments that you dont know you are having a moment. (Not like when you are in the sunshine and having a good hair day and share a kiss- where you KNOW you are living a moment that you will want to look back on and revel in. Those are great, kodak, movie- but not what I'm talking about.)

Instead it's all those things that you dont think about. Holding their coffee while they drive, both squeezing from the bottom of the toothpaste because one of you likes it that way, sharing the best pillow on the bed even though it's too small, you want to share the goodness of the Star Wars pillow case.

It's the small stuff. It's knowing what they want to drink when they are in the restroom- it's coming out of the restroom and seeing your favorite drink already on the table.

I dont know if this will ever go away. I know people break up, friendships fade into business and marraiges end- but those small things, where someone KNOWS you, and misses how you leave your towel over the closet door, or how you leave your socks inside the sheets- it cant leave. It's going to be mine, and his forever, whether or not we grow old in the same place, at the same time- I will always love how he knows I want barbeque sauce with my french fries and that when I wake up from a nightmare I want my hand to be held until I fall back to sleep.

I dont care how old, or seperated or how close we become- those are the things that I cannot lose- cannot forget. The moments that dont really count- but that add up to be everything.

They not only make me feel loved- they let me know it.

Anyone can have a perfect date, a perfect day or a perfect moment- in the sun, or rain, inside a cab or on the EL- but who has a rhythm? As unsteady as the whole song might be- the beat stays true. At the begining it was faint, and often skipped- but right now it's like a steady happy thrum.

And without you here- without you next to me- and without me there, next to you- I still hear it. It's low, and hard to hear sometimes, but it doesnt stop- and this week, today, I hear it like I'm laying on your chest listening to your heartbeat.




I miss you. And you miss me. Sometimes you really get me. And that is more than I can ask of anybody.

spoiled

Tonight I went to a bar, where there were bands playing and guys with guitars playing and it was small, and fun and loud- I felt fun.

The first guy who was on, him and his electric guitar alone on the stage- with maybe twenty five people in the audience, and probably twenty of them were there specifically just for him. Cheering him on by name, singing along to his indie-rock and yelling things like, "You're doing great, Nick!" "You sound like a rock star!" "Dont be nervous, you're amazing!"...

It was like it was just him and them in the room. They were his cheerleaders, and the rest of us were eavesdropping on the concert.

I found myself being jealous, he was so loved and supported and I wanted to know his name and have twenty friends at my back telling me, "You're doing great!". I wanted to be a part of it. Of something.




I am spoiled from this vacation. I want to not be lonely out here anymore. I'm sick of this life. If it turns out that Jimmy isnt moving here, and I'm not moving there... I think I'm going to move. Maybe to Vancouver. Maybe to Boston. Maybe to Australia. Maybe to Michigan.

Who knows. I just want out. I want change. I want things to be more like I WANT them instead of how I can tolerate them.


I miss the old me.

aged

Today is the last day of my 22nd year. Tomorrow morining I will wake up and be 23.

Not such a big birthday... but it's still another year that I've been here.

I dont think that I could have imagined that I would be where I'm at at this time last year.

This time last year I was in Chicago, freezing and going to class. Waiting for the Holidays to go home, see Sara, see Tom.

I was pissed at Jimmy, who was pissed at me about Wicked tickets and giving gifts when we were both poor and unhappy.

This year, I'm in LA. Shiny, sunny LA. Jimmy was here this past weekend, and he got me Wicked tickets to replace last years unused one's... same seats, for New Years Eve.

I cried like a little baby, I was so surprised and so amazed and so in love with the man.


(Thats right, I called him a man.)

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, a new year in my life and nothing will really change.

It's just going to be me, my Wicked tickets, and some friends from work going to see the Pirate show after work.

I think that is a pretty decent way to usher in the 23rd year of my life.

Pirates, friends, work and knowing that people far away love me... I think that is enough of an accomplishment for any 23 year old.

I'm fine with that.


PS. I miss DX.

flattered

This morning at Starbucks I was standing in line with my new scarf over my black corduroy jacket and my silver jeans and my blue sweater, waiting to order my Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte (WITH whip, thank you). And a man, who I have never seen before, or even noticed in the packed little place- came up to me and handed me a note.

At first I thought it was a flyer or something so I took it and smiled and barely glanced down to notice it was the back of a receipt, written in a scrawling hand-

"You are the most perfect shape in the whole world. Everything about you fits, the things you are wearing compliment you in a way that only makes you look more beautiful."

I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed and blushing, then he said, "I don't mean it to be improper at all. I just thought you should know."

And then he left with his latte or coffee or muffin and that was that.

And I was shocked, stunned even, that a perfect stranger would take those two minutes out of his life to tell find a spare receipt from his pocket and scrounge for a pen to write me a note just to tell me that, I am, in fact- perfect just the way I am.

deserted

I am seriously in need of this Thanksgiving vacation.

I saw Jimmy a few weeks ago, and mom a week before that and Sara and Tom a month before that... and now- I am ready to take a break for the unrelenting LA weather and people and lifestyle and go home.

Where I can lay on the couch and pet the dogs and bake and see family and be alright with cranky grandma Kate.

Right now I feel like I am itching to get out of my skin- that this body isnt mine anymore and I dont want it. I want mine back. I want my hair to be shiny and my eyes to be bright. I dont want the dark circles and the sags and the lack-luster skin. I would like to be regular 22 year old me.

Instead when I am back to Kate- I'll be 23. A whole year older, none-the-wiser and a lot more disgruntled.

I am sick of this nonsense.


I miss having a life. I miss my family. I miss weather. I miss sleep. I miss Jimmy. I miss feeling young.

You know that scene in "Prelude to a Kiss" where the old man is in Meg Ryan's body and is standing at the ocean and yells, "It is wonderful to be young!".

Well, I get it right now, too.

All the aches and pains, all the sleepless nights, the dizziness, the exhaustion, the difficulties with simple tasks; opening jars, using a can opener, coordinating medicine with meals and every little mundane detail that I can no longer take for granted.

Instead- I am forced to be sore, tired, grey-skinned and slow.

I am not used to it. How much my hands hurt after using a screw driver. How hard it is to actually stay awake at night. How hard it is to stay asleep in the morning. How often I actually have to remember to take fiber and vitamin C and D and B and E and Iron and Potassium... and the list goes on.

I feel old. I look old. My skin has no elasticity... I will be an ugly old lady. Sag'in bag'in Kate. Only I wont have an airplane in my pants.