I have been afraid to blog for a couple months, now. To really blog and say anything worth saying. I doubt I'll even do that now, but I know it's important to get over the anxiety of it... which is a wierd thing. Blogging anxiety.
I guess this is a good first attempt.
Whew.
9/11/09
6/8/09
super
Lots of girls (maybe that's sexist, but I think it's the ugly truth) grow up thinking that there is someone outthere who can save them from unhappiness, from tight spots, from danger, from lonliness, from worry...
People imagine that a parent, a baby, a superhero, a boss, a brother- can fix those things- can somehow help you when you need it. Give you a break, lend you money, make you happy, give you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold...
But you know what I've learned?
You have to be your own hero. You have to be brave enough and strong enough and clear headed enough when the chips are down to be your own saviour.
Because, really- no matter how good it feels to cry on that shoulder or borrow that money, no matter how easy it is to solve your problems that way, YOU never really solve them.
And maybe this is a bitter thing to say, but when it comes down to it- no matter who you are or what situation you're in, all you have is you.
While harsh and cold and lonely sometimes- it's also really really important to remember.
I mean, it's romatic and wonderful to know you have friends, family and loved ones that will care for you, help you- that YOU can help in return... but in the end, in the very end- we're alone.
In the past few months I've tried more and more to rely on me. To know I can figure it out, work it out, make it to the other side... and while it's been a struggle and I'm not anywhere near the top of this enormous climb I'm doing my best.
And honestly, who can ask for anything more out of themselves?
Life is confusing. This year so far has been a steep decline and I'm trying to be Superman underneath the crashing airplane keeping it from hitting the ground at 1000 miles and hour.
I'm doing pretty good. I might even be able to get the damn thing back into the air someday. Right now I'm working on keeping it from being reduced to a char mark on the cement.
I think that's a pretty decent goal for someone who is new at this whole self-superhero thing.
People imagine that a parent, a baby, a superhero, a boss, a brother- can fix those things- can somehow help you when you need it. Give you a break, lend you money, make you happy, give you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold...
But you know what I've learned?
You have to be your own hero. You have to be brave enough and strong enough and clear headed enough when the chips are down to be your own saviour.
Because, really- no matter how good it feels to cry on that shoulder or borrow that money, no matter how easy it is to solve your problems that way, YOU never really solve them.
And maybe this is a bitter thing to say, but when it comes down to it- no matter who you are or what situation you're in, all you have is you.
While harsh and cold and lonely sometimes- it's also really really important to remember.
I mean, it's romatic and wonderful to know you have friends, family and loved ones that will care for you, help you- that YOU can help in return... but in the end, in the very end- we're alone.
In the past few months I've tried more and more to rely on me. To know I can figure it out, work it out, make it to the other side... and while it's been a struggle and I'm not anywhere near the top of this enormous climb I'm doing my best.
And honestly, who can ask for anything more out of themselves?
Life is confusing. This year so far has been a steep decline and I'm trying to be Superman underneath the crashing airplane keeping it from hitting the ground at 1000 miles and hour.
I'm doing pretty good. I might even be able to get the damn thing back into the air someday. Right now I'm working on keeping it from being reduced to a char mark on the cement.
I think that's a pretty decent goal for someone who is new at this whole self-superhero thing.
3/20/09
erased
I wrote a really long post about what is going on and then erased it.
There is nothing I need to say about it.
I failed alot this year so far and I'm getting help. I got a new job and it is pretty great. My life keeps changing and the people that dont support me I can love without needing approval or understanding. I can love and not submit.
I thought for a long time that I would prefer it if I could erase the past three years... and now, I really really dont. I'm not "happy" per se- but I know that I can be, that I will be, and it will be healthy.
And you know what? It's sunny today. My hair is clean(ish). This is a new job and challenge. I'm ready to work hard.
There is nothing I need to say about it.
I failed alot this year so far and I'm getting help. I got a new job and it is pretty great. My life keeps changing and the people that dont support me I can love without needing approval or understanding. I can love and not submit.
I thought for a long time that I would prefer it if I could erase the past three years... and now, I really really dont. I'm not "happy" per se- but I know that I can be, that I will be, and it will be healthy.
And you know what? It's sunny today. My hair is clean(ish). This is a new job and challenge. I'm ready to work hard.
2/23/09
cleansed
This week I am determined to cleanse myself of all these negative feelings and dark clouds above my head. I refuse to go down that unhappy path again.
1-9. Relax, take it one step at a time.
10. Scrub.
11. Lather.
12. Rinse.
13. No repeat necissary.
Maybe my family wont understand, maybe they will. Maybe my friends will get it and maybe they wont. I dont care anymore.
I love them all and I know what is best for me in life.
I just hope I have the guts to stand up for Kate when I need it most.
1-9. Relax, take it one step at a time.
10. Scrub.
11. Lather.
12. Rinse.
13. No repeat necissary.
Maybe my family wont understand, maybe they will. Maybe my friends will get it and maybe they wont. I dont care anymore.
I love them all and I know what is best for me in life.
I just hope I have the guts to stand up for Kate when I need it most.
2/18/09
shot
This past weekend we shot the pilot episode for our webisode series.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
pushed
I dont know anything about anything anymore.
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
2/6/09
pranked
Today was the first day in a month long temp. assignment. My day went like this:
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
2/4/09
simplified
I decided to simplify my layout and maybe my life.
I think I realized that all grief goes through the same cycle.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
My personal grief has three other delightful stages as well: Guilt, Drowning in Alcohol and Eating.
I just want things to be simple. They don't have to be easy... but it would be a great help if life were less complex about somethings.
I know what is right to do for me. I know what is right to morally. I know what is right to do that will not damage anyone else.
How do you pick between three equally important things?
Do you choose self and know you are ultimately that selfish?
Do you choose morals and know that you are that afraid of what being immoral might be?
Do you choose to not hurt anyone else and know that you are a masochist?
Good grief, indeed, Charlie Brown.
I know what I am going to do, should do, want to do... but grief comes with all that, too.
Simple would be nice.
A nice simple bowl of soup would suit me just fine right about now.
I think I realized that all grief goes through the same cycle.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
My personal grief has three other delightful stages as well: Guilt, Drowning in Alcohol and Eating.
I just want things to be simple. They don't have to be easy... but it would be a great help if life were less complex about somethings.
I know what is right to do for me. I know what is right to morally. I know what is right to do that will not damage anyone else.
How do you pick between three equally important things?
Do you choose self and know you are ultimately that selfish?
Do you choose morals and know that you are that afraid of what being immoral might be?
Do you choose to not hurt anyone else and know that you are a masochist?
Good grief, indeed, Charlie Brown.
I know what I am going to do, should do, want to do... but grief comes with all that, too.
Simple would be nice.
A nice simple bowl of soup would suit me just fine right about now.
1/31/09
lived
There are moments in life that just make you feel alive. Moments that thrill every cell of your body and make you FEEL.
Last night was a normal night, I drove in insane traffic back from a Temp job across the city, made myself some dinner, met up with friends, saw a comedy show... and it felt very, well, mundane. Enjoyable, yes- but mundane.
Then, at 1:30 in the morning I was driving home from the show, alone in the car and flicked on the radio. Usually Saturday night radio is less than awesome- lots of techno re-mixes of popular songs, which are fine when dancing, but not quite my thing-
Instead I turned on the radio to the openening strains of Journey.
Now... this song is total crap. And I love it. It is a song that has played throughout my life in moments of utter happiness.
Just a small town girl living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere...
The song makes me feel both nostalgic and hopeful and full of readiness for what is next.
Images of myself at my happiest flash through my head-
Me dancing with my sister in Scotland, me singing in the car with Kendra through the streets of Chicago and on the road to Los Angeles, belting it aloud with Dan the day Jimmy left for Dallas, carpe noctum road trips to the beach with Justin and Lucas, singing with my new brother in-laws at my wedding, dancing our hearts out at a bar with Helen and Kendra here in LA...
and last night when it came on the radio- that first line had me choked up. And then it hit me like a fucking lightning bolt.
I make my own choices... and those choices are one's I can live with and be happy with.
And then I started belting into to fist/microphone down the 101 towards the cell-block I've called home in Van Nuys.
Sometimes life feels like it is full of burden and hardship- and sometimes it feels ike it all is worth it. Every, every second of it.
Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere
A singer in a smokey room the smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night.
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting up down the boulevard.
Their shadows searchin in the night
Streetlight people living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice. Just one more time.
Some will win some will lose some were born to sing the blues.
Oh the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on...
Don´t stop believing.
Hold on to the feeling.
Streetlight people.
Last night was a normal night, I drove in insane traffic back from a Temp job across the city, made myself some dinner, met up with friends, saw a comedy show... and it felt very, well, mundane. Enjoyable, yes- but mundane.
Then, at 1:30 in the morning I was driving home from the show, alone in the car and flicked on the radio. Usually Saturday night radio is less than awesome- lots of techno re-mixes of popular songs, which are fine when dancing, but not quite my thing-
Instead I turned on the radio to the openening strains of Journey.
Now... this song is total crap. And I love it. It is a song that has played throughout my life in moments of utter happiness.
Just a small town girl living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere...
The song makes me feel both nostalgic and hopeful and full of readiness for what is next.
Images of myself at my happiest flash through my head-
Me dancing with my sister in Scotland, me singing in the car with Kendra through the streets of Chicago and on the road to Los Angeles, belting it aloud with Dan the day Jimmy left for Dallas, carpe noctum road trips to the beach with Justin and Lucas, singing with my new brother in-laws at my wedding, dancing our hearts out at a bar with Helen and Kendra here in LA...
and last night when it came on the radio- that first line had me choked up. And then it hit me like a fucking lightning bolt.
I make my own choices... and those choices are one's I can live with and be happy with.
And then I started belting into to fist/microphone down the 101 towards the cell-block I've called home in Van Nuys.
Sometimes life feels like it is full of burden and hardship- and sometimes it feels ike it all is worth it. Every, every second of it.
Just a city boy born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere
A singer in a smokey room the smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night.
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting up down the boulevard.
Their shadows searchin in the night
Streetlight people living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill everybody wants a thrill
Payin anything to roll the dice. Just one more time.
Some will win some will lose some were born to sing the blues.
Oh the movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on...
Don´t stop believing.
Hold on to the feeling.
Streetlight people.
1/21/09
baffled
so.
I have been steadily climbing out of the melancholy "I miss my husband" thing into a blind rage. I get ragier and ragier and I think today I hit the ceiling.
First of all let me give you a quote that really hit home today: "All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through."
SO.
Last week my mom called me to figure out my money situation- I just turned 25, my insurance with the family is up, my car insurance is up my student loans are due... just everything. So we talked about it- made a plan. Are trying to be smart and savvy and not get me (or her) in the hole.
So today- I get a call from my husband (with whom I have been fighting with non-stop over the phone for two weeks, it is miserable) who tells me that he and my dad (MY DAD) called one another today to figure out the details for my insurance issues.
And I say, "Wait, what?"
And he says, "Your Dad asked me to put you on my insurance since he cant keep you on his. He wants me to claim you."
And I say, "Wait, wait- what?"
And he says, "Well, you have to change your name for me to claim you. I'm not going to go to my insurance guy and say, 'I need to add Kate Grady, she's my wife.' How is that going to seem? So, it's either that or you find your own insurance."
And I say, "WAIT. What?"
Now, maybe I lost it because it had been two weeks of fighting, and maybe I lost it because of the words he chose and maybe I lost it because it was HIGH TIME I FUCKING LOST IT.
But in any event, I did. Lose it.
I saw black. Now, most people when they get mad see red. Not me. I see black. It is like I am going to erupt with vicious words and punches.
Instead, I think I was clenching my hands so hard I cut myself with my fingernails.
First of all:
a) what are you THINKING calling my FATHER to plan my life for me in any aspect? ANY?!?! What is this? The middle ages? Were you also going to ask for my dowry of six chickens and a plot of farm land? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT!!!!!
b) I know 'Claim' is a term people use for taxes and finances and shit... but no. The way he used it, he meant it in the cave-man way. "YOU, WIFE. ME, CLAIM YOU. UGH."
c) Changing my name has been an argument for some time. You see, I am perfectly okay with women changing their names. I think it is a lovely sign of solidarity, of making your lives into one family... etc. etc. At first in October I was all psyched to change it. I was ready to be a team! Yeah! Team Cadenas. Five months into the marriage and it's a different story.
(Here is a little background so I don't sound like a crazy person.)
Sept: Get married! Yeah!
Oct: Honeymoon! Yeah!
November: Move to LA! Ye- wait. What? Jimmy isn't coming? Jimmy wants to wait another two years? Where did this come from? Wait wait wait!!!
December: I am in LA. Jimmy is in Dallas. Jimmy isn't ready to come unless I am making the big bucks.
January: I am still alone here. Jimmy thinks it may be a year before he comes.
now... I WAS really excited to be a part of US, a part of the duo... now that the 'Coming to LA' date is set back further and further for him... I just feel like changing my name before he comes is like a dog pissing on a tree. It is more like he is marking his territory than it actually meaning anything real.
If I changed it now I would resent it. If I change it when he comes I would feel it was a show of my love.
Maybe that's selfish or something, I honestly don't know.
Now, we have had this fight/talk about the name thing for WEEKS... and he finally got my point as of Sunday night- which was a very short lived understanding.
Now he has given me an ultimatum,
"I have to put my foot down somewhere, Kate. I love you, but I'm not giving you the perks of being married until you have my name."
Seriously?
No, really. Seriously?
Thankfully I kept my cool enough to shut my mouth on the phone and just wait until he was done talking, said goodbye, and hung up.
I am losing my shit here, people. LOSING MY SHIT.
I feel like someone took a baseball bat to my head and just kept wailing on me. I cant see clearly enough to act rationally. I cant figure out how I feel. Betrayed? Abused? Guilty? Angry? Manipulated? I am a jumble and I am a mess and I am seriously seriously seriously... something that has no defined word.
I have never felt this way in my life. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I am self medicating with Beny&Jerry's and Pride & Prejudice. Lot's of &'s tonight.
_______________________________________
UPDATE:
Jimmy called, apologized profusely and then said,
"I just wanted to take the opportunity to put a little more pressure on you about it, I guess. You can still be added to my insurance."
Um... what a fucking jackass. How does one simultaneously want to punch someone in the face and hug the shit out of them?
Seriously, are men all idiots by choice? Are we flawed on the most basic level to be able to love them anyway?
I have been steadily climbing out of the melancholy "I miss my husband" thing into a blind rage. I get ragier and ragier and I think today I hit the ceiling.
First of all let me give you a quote that really hit home today: "All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through."
SO.
Last week my mom called me to figure out my money situation- I just turned 25, my insurance with the family is up, my car insurance is up my student loans are due... just everything. So we talked about it- made a plan. Are trying to be smart and savvy and not get me (or her) in the hole.
So today- I get a call from my husband (with whom I have been fighting with non-stop over the phone for two weeks, it is miserable) who tells me that he and my dad (MY DAD) called one another today to figure out the details for my insurance issues.
And I say, "Wait, what?"
And he says, "Your Dad asked me to put you on my insurance since he cant keep you on his. He wants me to claim you."
And I say, "Wait, wait- what?"
And he says, "Well, you have to change your name for me to claim you. I'm not going to go to my insurance guy and say, 'I need to add Kate Grady, she's my wife.' How is that going to seem? So, it's either that or you find your own insurance."
And I say, "WAIT. What?"
Now, maybe I lost it because it had been two weeks of fighting, and maybe I lost it because of the words he chose and maybe I lost it because it was HIGH TIME I FUCKING LOST IT.
But in any event, I did. Lose it.
I saw black. Now, most people when they get mad see red. Not me. I see black. It is like I am going to erupt with vicious words and punches.
Instead, I think I was clenching my hands so hard I cut myself with my fingernails.
First of all:
a) what are you THINKING calling my FATHER to plan my life for me in any aspect? ANY?!?! What is this? The middle ages? Were you also going to ask for my dowry of six chickens and a plot of farm land? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT!!!!!
b) I know 'Claim' is a term people use for taxes and finances and shit... but no. The way he used it, he meant it in the cave-man way. "YOU, WIFE. ME, CLAIM YOU. UGH."
c) Changing my name has been an argument for some time. You see, I am perfectly okay with women changing their names. I think it is a lovely sign of solidarity, of making your lives into one family... etc. etc. At first in October I was all psyched to change it. I was ready to be a team! Yeah! Team Cadenas. Five months into the marriage and it's a different story.
(Here is a little background so I don't sound like a crazy person.)
Sept: Get married! Yeah!
Oct: Honeymoon! Yeah!
November: Move to LA! Ye- wait. What? Jimmy isn't coming? Jimmy wants to wait another two years? Where did this come from? Wait wait wait!!!
December: I am in LA. Jimmy is in Dallas. Jimmy isn't ready to come unless I am making the big bucks.
January: I am still alone here. Jimmy thinks it may be a year before he comes.
now... I WAS really excited to be a part of US, a part of the duo... now that the 'Coming to LA' date is set back further and further for him... I just feel like changing my name before he comes is like a dog pissing on a tree. It is more like he is marking his territory than it actually meaning anything real.
If I changed it now I would resent it. If I change it when he comes I would feel it was a show of my love.
Maybe that's selfish or something, I honestly don't know.
Now, we have had this fight/talk about the name thing for WEEKS... and he finally got my point as of Sunday night- which was a very short lived understanding.
Now he has given me an ultimatum,
"I have to put my foot down somewhere, Kate. I love you, but I'm not giving you the perks of being married until you have my name."
Seriously?
No, really. Seriously?
Thankfully I kept my cool enough to shut my mouth on the phone and just wait until he was done talking, said goodbye, and hung up.
I am losing my shit here, people. LOSING MY SHIT.
I feel like someone took a baseball bat to my head and just kept wailing on me. I cant see clearly enough to act rationally. I cant figure out how I feel. Betrayed? Abused? Guilty? Angry? Manipulated? I am a jumble and I am a mess and I am seriously seriously seriously... something that has no defined word.
I have never felt this way in my life. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I am self medicating with Beny&Jerry's and Pride & Prejudice. Lot's of &'s tonight.
_______________________________________
UPDATE:
Jimmy called, apologized profusely and then said,
"I just wanted to take the opportunity to put a little more pressure on you about it, I guess. You can still be added to my insurance."
Um... what a fucking jackass. How does one simultaneously want to punch someone in the face and hug the shit out of them?
Seriously, are men all idiots by choice? Are we flawed on the most basic level to be able to love them anyway?
1/13/09
engulfed
So I love to read, right? You know that about me. I LOVE it. I eat books for breakfast.
A fact that few people know is that I love those crappy romance books. I mean, I LOVE good books- but there is just something about those fabio-covered shit piles that oogle at you in the super market that knock my mental socks off. They are fun and frivolous- but I love them.
Does that change people's opinions about me? Maybe. Do I care much? No.
These books have lots of upsides.
- They enrich my vocabulary (There are LOTS of old fashioned words used since the one's I like best are set in other times)
- They fill a gap in your day when you are waiting for something and just need a brain rest
- They are full of funny parts that make me laugh out loud (Most books are hard to laugh aloud at, but these books have no qualms about being honestly silly)
- The women I've met who love them like I do- are really fucking awesome people
- They have hot sex scenes, I know too much information, but common! (Since I am physically separated from my husband, it's nice to have a little steaminess in my days)
Anyway. I eat books. Any book, but those are my abashed, and not-so abashed favorites.
Also, I read uncommonly fast. This weekend alone (Friday, Saturday and Sunday- admittedly I did stay up late nights to cram in more words) I read nine books cover to cover. Now, lots of people accuse me of skimming, or skipping or something else absurd- I don't. I read every word. My brain caresses them. I am engulfed by them while I read. I am in that place, that time, I am that person- I feel those things. I am lost in the read world for those few hours and I LOVE it.
The only bad part about it is finishing a book and feeling that little sense of loss, that the book is done. But a fresh uncracked spine is something to get goosebumps over.
This weekend I read the whole eight book series of Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood), I read Northern Lights (A WONDERFUL book) and I read a book called "A Lady's Secret"- which was about a runaway countess pretending to be a nun who cant stop swearing and thus gets found out and blackmailed by a man who finds her intriguing, la di dah- they fall in love amidst a lot of sword fighting and swashbuckling and fancy dresses. How can you not enjoy something like that?
Seriously.
Now I am out of books. I've read everything I have in Kendra's apparent and trying to find good things to read online... but that's harder to do than you'd think. There is WAY more crap on the Internet- worse than the worst book ever published.
Thus I am stuck writing a blog about how I love to read instead of continuing reading.
boo. I want to take all the books I have and trade them in, but I feel bad since some of them are gifts. I'll just wait and nibble on the Internet until my next paycheck comes to supplement my book habit.
Yes, ladies and gentleman. Habit.
I love reading more than I love smoking. More than I love eating or drinking or sleeping or anything. I would trade a lot for two fresh books a day. I have my priorities a little out of place... maybe. It's hard to judge for me when I'm salivating over the idea of a new book.
mmmm.... new book. Yes, please.
A fact that few people know is that I love those crappy romance books. I mean, I LOVE good books- but there is just something about those fabio-covered shit piles that oogle at you in the super market that knock my mental socks off. They are fun and frivolous- but I love them.
Does that change people's opinions about me? Maybe. Do I care much? No.
These books have lots of upsides.
- They enrich my vocabulary (There are LOTS of old fashioned words used since the one's I like best are set in other times)
- They fill a gap in your day when you are waiting for something and just need a brain rest
- They are full of funny parts that make me laugh out loud (Most books are hard to laugh aloud at, but these books have no qualms about being honestly silly)
- The women I've met who love them like I do- are really fucking awesome people
- They have hot sex scenes, I know too much information, but common! (Since I am physically separated from my husband, it's nice to have a little steaminess in my days)
Anyway. I eat books. Any book, but those are my abashed, and not-so abashed favorites.
Also, I read uncommonly fast. This weekend alone (Friday, Saturday and Sunday- admittedly I did stay up late nights to cram in more words) I read nine books cover to cover. Now, lots of people accuse me of skimming, or skipping or something else absurd- I don't. I read every word. My brain caresses them. I am engulfed by them while I read. I am in that place, that time, I am that person- I feel those things. I am lost in the read world for those few hours and I LOVE it.
The only bad part about it is finishing a book and feeling that little sense of loss, that the book is done. But a fresh uncracked spine is something to get goosebumps over.
This weekend I read the whole eight book series of Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood), I read Northern Lights (A WONDERFUL book) and I read a book called "A Lady's Secret"- which was about a runaway countess pretending to be a nun who cant stop swearing and thus gets found out and blackmailed by a man who finds her intriguing, la di dah- they fall in love amidst a lot of sword fighting and swashbuckling and fancy dresses. How can you not enjoy something like that?
Seriously.
Now I am out of books. I've read everything I have in Kendra's apparent and trying to find good things to read online... but that's harder to do than you'd think. There is WAY more crap on the Internet- worse than the worst book ever published.
Thus I am stuck writing a blog about how I love to read instead of continuing reading.
boo. I want to take all the books I have and trade them in, but I feel bad since some of them are gifts. I'll just wait and nibble on the Internet until my next paycheck comes to supplement my book habit.
Yes, ladies and gentleman. Habit.
I love reading more than I love smoking. More than I love eating or drinking or sleeping or anything. I would trade a lot for two fresh books a day. I have my priorities a little out of place... maybe. It's hard to judge for me when I'm salivating over the idea of a new book.
mmmm.... new book. Yes, please.
1/6/09
spamed
So, often I think:
"Kate, that's a terrific idea! You're a genius." And decide to do something that turns out to be one of two things.
1) Amazing, like it came from the lips of a Greek god
2) Stupid, like it came from a urine soaked bum
In 2009 I have tried (in so many days) to not do anything that falls into category #2. Sadly, today breaks that streak.
You see, dear reader (all... well, two of you) I got a Christmas present from my best friend Sharriese. She was super awesome (unlike me), in our poor youth, to send her friends (me) gifts this year. She sent a very nice handmade card with a anime-type portrait of me along with four sets of cute earrings and a big slogan saying, "Yo Style is Fresh!"
Which is hysterical and a pleasant card to get.
So having these new spangly earrings I decide I should wear them... mind you I had my ears pierced in three places in 2002 and two places in 2005 and then I let all my piercings close because they were a hassle and kept getting infected because I am allergic to metals.
Does that matter to me when faced with cute new earrings? No.
Instead I decide to re-pierce my ears myself in the bathroom.
SON OF A BITCH.
My ears, while cute and stylish, are ever increasing shades of red. I fear I will wake up with crusty grossness and ugly over-sized infected lobes.
Worth it?
Probly not.
Still keeping the earrings in?
You betcha.
Am I an idiot at 25?
For sure.
Do I really need to be super sophisticated and make good choices every second of every day?
Maybe... and no.
Life is odd. I know the consequences and yet I cant seem to control my inner eleven year old telling me how pretty I'll look. Honestly, my head is so big even the huge ass earrings I'm wearing look tiny. So, really- the effect is minimal. But I enjoy it. The little thing that it is with the annoying and painful consequence... I'll take it today.
I also have the urge to take a pair of scissors to my hair... but I'll save that for another urine-soaked-bum idea moment.
"Kate, that's a terrific idea! You're a genius." And decide to do something that turns out to be one of two things.
1) Amazing, like it came from the lips of a Greek god
2) Stupid, like it came from a urine soaked bum
In 2009 I have tried (in so many days) to not do anything that falls into category #2. Sadly, today breaks that streak.
You see, dear reader (all... well, two of you) I got a Christmas present from my best friend Sharriese. She was super awesome (unlike me), in our poor youth, to send her friends (me) gifts this year. She sent a very nice handmade card with a anime-type portrait of me along with four sets of cute earrings and a big slogan saying, "Yo Style is Fresh!"
Which is hysterical and a pleasant card to get.
So having these new spangly earrings I decide I should wear them... mind you I had my ears pierced in three places in 2002 and two places in 2005 and then I let all my piercings close because they were a hassle and kept getting infected because I am allergic to metals.
Does that matter to me when faced with cute new earrings? No.
Instead I decide to re-pierce my ears myself in the bathroom.
SON OF A BITCH.
My ears, while cute and stylish, are ever increasing shades of red. I fear I will wake up with crusty grossness and ugly over-sized infected lobes.
Worth it?
Probly not.
Still keeping the earrings in?
You betcha.
Am I an idiot at 25?
For sure.
Do I really need to be super sophisticated and make good choices every second of every day?
Maybe... and no.
Life is odd. I know the consequences and yet I cant seem to control my inner eleven year old telling me how pretty I'll look. Honestly, my head is so big even the huge ass earrings I'm wearing look tiny. So, really- the effect is minimal. But I enjoy it. The little thing that it is with the annoying and painful consequence... I'll take it today.
I also have the urge to take a pair of scissors to my hair... but I'll save that for another urine-soaked-bum idea moment.
12/31/08
resolved
Dear 2009 Kate,
I was going to tell you all these things to be and do this year...
Instead I just wanted to tell you that I think you're funny, and honestly it's all going to be okay.
Let's do better this year.
Love,
Kate 2008
I was going to tell you all these things to be and do this year...
Instead I just wanted to tell you that I think you're funny, and honestly it's all going to be okay.
Let's do better this year.
Love,
Kate 2008
12/30/08
reviewed
2008: A Wintry Year
We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
- Anonymous
This has been quite the year. For my own benefit I will now recount the past twelve months with their highlights, lowlights and the people I'd like to thank:
Jan 2008:
This may be labeled the worst month of my personal history. I was one unhappy chick-a-dee.
Highlight, Start of the Year of Jimmy & Kate
Lowlight, Depressed and Sick - moved home with parents
Thank you Mom and Dad. I mean no offense to your parents, but mine are super heroes.
February 2008:
Feb. is always a dark month, it's the gloomiest weather wise and Spring seemed so far away... but I found wonder and awe with a little nudge from the people I love.
Highlight, Doctors started to help
Lowlight, Felt lost
Thank you Sara and Tom. My siblings are my best friends and biggest supporters. (and vice versa)
March 2008:
This month was all about Kate.
Highlight, Brother is there to lean on
Lowlight, No longer sure what is best for my life
Thank you Tom. I cant even put into words how words how grateful and amazed by him I am.
April 2008:
I got lit from within. I found my spark and my spunk and my happy place.... which was not in Texas, it was in me.
Highlight, Kate is back!
Lowlight, Moved back to Texas
Thank you Dr. Wycoff. This man works miracles and makes your body work together as a whole instead of fighting itself on a hundred different playing fields he makes the whole gang a team.
May 2008:
When I didn't have a job all I wanted was to be working- I was so happy to have a job! Then I realized that I was suddenly a pre-school teacher and had to change diapers everyday... but I loved my kids. I miss them, actually.
Highlight, Have Job
Lowlight, Job is at a Preschool
Thank you Quita, Caitlyn & Sloan. My co-teacher & friend and two little girls in my class that made everyday sunnier.
June 2008:
This month sped by. All I know is that I was working insane hours, eating healthy, working out, spending time with Jimmy, Tom and Gob- We put wedding planning on the back burner.
Highlight, Love the kids at work
Lowlight, Hate my job & Dallas is Balls Hot
Thanks to my car (Je t'aime) who was a trooper carting me an hour each way to work everyday and keeping me company.
July 2008:
This month started off nicely- straight to Chicago, getting to see the people I love and friends I missed and the city that holds so much magic... all it was missing was my sister. Then the next three weeks were a flurry of fighting with vendors, my mother, Nancy, Jimmy, Tom, Work, Myself - over everything and anything. Tensions were high... but we were gliding.
Highlight, Chicago for 4th of July & Wedding Shower
Lowlight, Wedding planning & fighting
Thanks to my Sister and Reecee who made things easier for me, for being the calm amidst the wedding storm.
August 2008:
The wedding planning was less hairy, more concrete- but it still felt like it wasn't going to happen. I was alone doing a bunch of work, getting my dress and my shoes and everything and it felt lonely. (I sound like a whiner, but it's the truth. I was lonely)
Highlight, My dress is gorgeous
Lowlight, Am broke
Thanks to GOB for keeping me sane.
September 2008:
Started off insane. Busy. Planning and saving and working and stressing and ended with sighs of contentment and smiles and hugs and love and everything nice.
(Sara and Tom's faces are amazing in this picture. I wish they were clearer for you to see their smiles)
Highlight, Get Married & Quit Job
Lowlight, Am EXTRA broke
Thanks to Jimmy for taking me as I am and letting me in.
October 2008:
Seeing the east coast in the fall has always been a dream of mine and I got to do it. We got to see the leaves and taste the chowder and feel the ocean breeze. Besides one rocky stormy night on the water it was lovely and serene and full.
Then we went and stayed at my newly minted in laws for eight days of sheer will power and plastic smiles. Four days is for SURE my max capacity for relatives/friends who are not close to me to share my personal space, or vice versa. Found out how selfish I really am.
Highlight, Honeymoon on East Coast (Cruise)
Lowlight, Have to start a real life
Thanks to Julian for being a seriously wonderful teenager.
November 2008:
Upon return to Dallas mid-Oct. I had no job, I packed our apartment for the move to LA and Jimmy and I hit a wall we've yet to get over.
Our entire goal for living Dallas had been that we both get jobs we love. After more than a year in Dallas I still hadn't found anything and with Jimmy hating his job- we agreed that after the wedding we would move to LA and make it.
We would just go. Once we got back from the Honeymoon and I was following through on the plans we'd made Jimmy and I hit a disagreement about Theory and Practice that we have yet to solve. Hence me moving to LA in November to get a job that could support us both and Jimmy staying and living on my brothers couch...
And here is where the dilema lies. He really doesnt mean the big talk, I do. He really wants a traditional life, I dont. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home, so do I. I want to go to bars and restaraunts and have friends, he doesnt. He wants to have kids NOW, I dont. He wants his parents to be very involved in our personal life, I DONT. I want Jimmy to be nicer, he wants me to be cattier. I want to be able maintain my guy friends, Jimmy wants them axed from my life. I want Jimmy to have friends, he wants me to be his only friend. I want adventure. He wants a couch.
His idea:
My idea:
I know we can do this. But right now it's hard. Being so far apart and so divided and still loving one another but wanting the other to be happy with what we want... I want him to want adventure (in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell...) and success and have drive. He wants to me to want safety and security and compromise.
Sometimes me and him cant breech the distance between us even when we're in the same room.
I think I'll always be too young to settle for something that isn't extraordinary. I want an extraordinary life, and that's not me being selfish, or mean, or unmovable. That's me having found my voice and not losing it in trying to please everyone else. Not trying to please anyone, but trying to feed that spark inside of me that wants to turn into fireworks.
Highlight, Move to LA & am HAPPY!
Lowlight, Am most unconventional and worst wife ever
Thanks to Kendra and Tom- who support even my craziest crazy.
December 2008:
Working consistently, hired to do production design for a movie in March, made good decisions, made bad decisions, re-connected with old friends, felt alive, started hiking again, touched the ocean again, ate In & Out again... It's been a good month. Besides Jimmy not being here... I am happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
Highlight, Temping in LA & Turning 25
Lowlight, Feel guilty for being happy, husband still in Dallas
Thanks opportunity. Thanks Family, Thanks Friends, Thanks World.
I'll do right by you.
Prediction:
2009, A Sunny Year
Pleasantly, between the pelting showers, the sunshine gushes down.
- William Cullen Bryant
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Happy New Year.
Outlook is good.
We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
- Anonymous
This has been quite the year. For my own benefit I will now recount the past twelve months with their highlights, lowlights and the people I'd like to thank:
Jan 2008:
This may be labeled the worst month of my personal history. I was one unhappy chick-a-dee.
Highlight, Start of the Year of Jimmy & Kate
Lowlight, Depressed and Sick - moved home with parents
Thank you Mom and Dad. I mean no offense to your parents, but mine are super heroes.
February 2008:
Feb. is always a dark month, it's the gloomiest weather wise and Spring seemed so far away... but I found wonder and awe with a little nudge from the people I love.
Highlight, Doctors started to help
Lowlight, Felt lost
Thank you Sara and Tom. My siblings are my best friends and biggest supporters. (and vice versa)
March 2008:
This month was all about Kate.
Highlight, Brother is there to lean on
Lowlight, No longer sure what is best for my life
Thank you Tom. I cant even put into words how words how grateful and amazed by him I am.
April 2008:
I got lit from within. I found my spark and my spunk and my happy place.... which was not in Texas, it was in me.
Highlight, Kate is back!
Lowlight, Moved back to Texas
Thank you Dr. Wycoff. This man works miracles and makes your body work together as a whole instead of fighting itself on a hundred different playing fields he makes the whole gang a team.
May 2008:
When I didn't have a job all I wanted was to be working- I was so happy to have a job! Then I realized that I was suddenly a pre-school teacher and had to change diapers everyday... but I loved my kids. I miss them, actually.
Highlight, Have Job
Lowlight, Job is at a Preschool
Thank you Quita, Caitlyn & Sloan. My co-teacher & friend and two little girls in my class that made everyday sunnier.
June 2008:
This month sped by. All I know is that I was working insane hours, eating healthy, working out, spending time with Jimmy, Tom and Gob- We put wedding planning on the back burner.
Highlight, Love the kids at work
Lowlight, Hate my job & Dallas is Balls Hot
Thanks to my car (Je t'aime) who was a trooper carting me an hour each way to work everyday and keeping me company.
July 2008:
This month started off nicely- straight to Chicago, getting to see the people I love and friends I missed and the city that holds so much magic... all it was missing was my sister. Then the next three weeks were a flurry of fighting with vendors, my mother, Nancy, Jimmy, Tom, Work, Myself - over everything and anything. Tensions were high... but we were gliding.
Highlight, Chicago for 4th of July & Wedding Shower
Lowlight, Wedding planning & fighting
Thanks to my Sister and Reecee who made things easier for me, for being the calm amidst the wedding storm.
August 2008:
The wedding planning was less hairy, more concrete- but it still felt like it wasn't going to happen. I was alone doing a bunch of work, getting my dress and my shoes and everything and it felt lonely. (I sound like a whiner, but it's the truth. I was lonely)
Highlight, My dress is gorgeous
Lowlight, Am broke
Thanks to GOB for keeping me sane.
September 2008:
Started off insane. Busy. Planning and saving and working and stressing and ended with sighs of contentment and smiles and hugs and love and everything nice.
(Sara and Tom's faces are amazing in this picture. I wish they were clearer for you to see their smiles)
Highlight, Get Married & Quit Job
Lowlight, Am EXTRA broke
Thanks to Jimmy for taking me as I am and letting me in.
October 2008:
Seeing the east coast in the fall has always been a dream of mine and I got to do it. We got to see the leaves and taste the chowder and feel the ocean breeze. Besides one rocky stormy night on the water it was lovely and serene and full.
Then we went and stayed at my newly minted in laws for eight days of sheer will power and plastic smiles. Four days is for SURE my max capacity for relatives/friends who are not close to me to share my personal space, or vice versa. Found out how selfish I really am.
Highlight, Honeymoon on East Coast (Cruise)
Lowlight, Have to start a real life
Thanks to Julian for being a seriously wonderful teenager.
November 2008:
Upon return to Dallas mid-Oct. I had no job, I packed our apartment for the move to LA and Jimmy and I hit a wall we've yet to get over.
Our entire goal for living Dallas had been that we both get jobs we love. After more than a year in Dallas I still hadn't found anything and with Jimmy hating his job- we agreed that after the wedding we would move to LA and make it.
We would just go. Once we got back from the Honeymoon and I was following through on the plans we'd made Jimmy and I hit a disagreement about Theory and Practice that we have yet to solve. Hence me moving to LA in November to get a job that could support us both and Jimmy staying and living on my brothers couch...
And here is where the dilema lies. He really doesnt mean the big talk, I do. He really wants a traditional life, I dont. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home, so do I. I want to go to bars and restaraunts and have friends, he doesnt. He wants to have kids NOW, I dont. He wants his parents to be very involved in our personal life, I DONT. I want Jimmy to be nicer, he wants me to be cattier. I want to be able maintain my guy friends, Jimmy wants them axed from my life. I want Jimmy to have friends, he wants me to be his only friend. I want adventure. He wants a couch.
His idea:
My idea:
I know we can do this. But right now it's hard. Being so far apart and so divided and still loving one another but wanting the other to be happy with what we want... I want him to want adventure (in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell...) and success and have drive. He wants to me to want safety and security and compromise.
Sometimes me and him cant breech the distance between us even when we're in the same room.
I think I'll always be too young to settle for something that isn't extraordinary. I want an extraordinary life, and that's not me being selfish, or mean, or unmovable. That's me having found my voice and not losing it in trying to please everyone else. Not trying to please anyone, but trying to feed that spark inside of me that wants to turn into fireworks.
Highlight, Move to LA & am HAPPY!
Lowlight, Am most unconventional and worst wife ever
Thanks to Kendra and Tom- who support even my craziest crazy.
December 2008:
Working consistently, hired to do production design for a movie in March, made good decisions, made bad decisions, re-connected with old friends, felt alive, started hiking again, touched the ocean again, ate In & Out again... It's been a good month. Besides Jimmy not being here... I am happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
Highlight, Temping in LA & Turning 25
Lowlight, Feel guilty for being happy, husband still in Dallas
Thanks opportunity. Thanks Family, Thanks Friends, Thanks World.
I'll do right by you.
Prediction:
2009, A Sunny Year
Pleasantly, between the pelting showers, the sunshine gushes down.
- William Cullen Bryant
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Happy New Year.
Outlook is good.
12/17/08
bested
Photostrips are my favorite way to save memories.
Sometimes it's really nice to have a best friend. Sometimes it's the only thing between you and crazy.
Love,
Kate
Sometimes it's really nice to have a best friend. Sometimes it's the only thing between you and crazy.
Love,
Kate
12/13/08
twenty-fived
Today I turn 25.
This is me now. This is me happy. This is me with a bright future. I am lit from within. I am.
That's enough for me. I'm proud of myself- looking back at last years birthday- I just have moved so far from that person and that hole I was in... I've got out of my deepest spot and have moved into the sunshine. I am filled with such delirious joy.
Happy Birthday, Kate! Remember how this feels.
Love,
Kate
This is me now. This is me happy. This is me with a bright future. I am lit from within. I am.
That's enough for me. I'm proud of myself- looking back at last years birthday- I just have moved so far from that person and that hole I was in... I've got out of my deepest spot and have moved into the sunshine. I am filled with such delirious joy.
Happy Birthday, Kate! Remember how this feels.
Love,
Kate
12/4/08
temped
I am currently working as a Temp in LA...
Today is my first job assignment and I am really enjoying moments of it- but mostly it is terrible small talk, an uncomfortable chair and lots of stapling.
Once my employer of the day realized I'm not an idiot- they let me just do what I want. I finished all the work before lunch and now have been surfing the web for the past four hours of my eight hour day...
kind of like being jobless- only I get paid $12 bucks and hour to do it. (Pay scale is job dependent and this being my first I start low- but they say you make around 15 - 17/hr on most jobs... I got the bottom of the bucket job because I'm new.)
I got to talk to a sweet old lady on the phone.... EIGHT TIMES.
I organized an annual board meeting (why then needed a temp today) and she is one of the board members.
She told me many things about herself. She likes to read. She is impatient. She had a cold or flu last week- she's not sure. Fever, chills and aches, which does that make it? (Old age?) She went swimming this morning, it was very relaxing. She wants to know who else is going to be there. She is on her way to get her hair done, after swimming she either needs a hat or a hair do and she doesn't have any nice hats for the occasion. She is going to order food for herself at the meeting. She called me a peach. (I love that endearment)
Temp work is better than no work. $12/hr is better than no $$ and hour. An uncomfortable chair is better than no chair.
I've got nothing to say about the stapling, though... it's a boring job and I could never staple something again and be happy. (And then when I'm on my deathbed I'll get to say something like, 'The stapler...')
Today is my first job assignment and I am really enjoying moments of it- but mostly it is terrible small talk, an uncomfortable chair and lots of stapling.
Once my employer of the day realized I'm not an idiot- they let me just do what I want. I finished all the work before lunch and now have been surfing the web for the past four hours of my eight hour day...
kind of like being jobless- only I get paid $12 bucks and hour to do it. (Pay scale is job dependent and this being my first I start low- but they say you make around 15 - 17/hr on most jobs... I got the bottom of the bucket job because I'm new.)
I got to talk to a sweet old lady on the phone.... EIGHT TIMES.
I organized an annual board meeting (why then needed a temp today) and she is one of the board members.
She told me many things about herself. She likes to read. She is impatient. She had a cold or flu last week- she's not sure. Fever, chills and aches, which does that make it? (Old age?) She went swimming this morning, it was very relaxing. She wants to know who else is going to be there. She is on her way to get her hair done, after swimming she either needs a hat or a hair do and she doesn't have any nice hats for the occasion. She is going to order food for herself at the meeting. She called me a peach. (I love that endearment)
Temp work is better than no work. $12/hr is better than no $$ and hour. An uncomfortable chair is better than no chair.
I've got nothing to say about the stapling, though... it's a boring job and I could never staple something again and be happy. (And then when I'm on my deathbed I'll get to say something like, 'The stapler...')
11/21/08
decided
I've decided to live for me. To live without regret. To live without worry. To live in the here and the now and the Kate.
I will be turning 25 in a two weeks. My life is a quarter (give or take) over, and I'm just learning all these things about the world and how I fit into that puzzle.
I love people. I love freely and openly and warmly- and it gets me hurt sometimes and gets others hurt sometimes too.
I hurt people with my words and sometimes my actions. Some hurt is worse than others. I easily forgive myself and never make the same mistake twice.
I am terrible with money. I need to be rich.
I disregard the bad in people and things- sure the bad stinks and I can complain about it- but I believe people are better.
I dont believe in fate, or destiny- I believe in choice- that every minute choice compounds into your whole life into a trail of infinite decisions.
I know that I can be better- I have let myself go before- let my carelessness rule me- and I know that I am better than that.
I dont have regrets- I think that anything you regret is a waste of time- make a change, make a choice, if it's not right start again.
I love being in this body- all my life I have thought something wasnt quite right about me- but it is!! I am perfect, and I almost missed it.
I need to live near my friends and or family. I love them, I need support, I need fun, I need connections to others.
I am compassionate and I almost feel other peoples emotions stronger than my own. Why you cry, I cant help it either.
I like to get my way, but mostly only after I have to fight for it.
My job defines me for me, my success makes me feel like I'm making my life worth something.
I know that when I am jobless my life isnt worthless, but feel like I need to be working to really FEEL it.
I love singing and it is something I'm going to do all the time for me.
I am a woman. I am working on being the best me possible.
I love working, I love to accomplish things. I love to be in motion.
When I stop moving I feel lost.
I am bad at keeping secrets.
That sums me up. 25 years in the making and that's what I'd got.
I will be turning 25 in a two weeks. My life is a quarter (give or take) over, and I'm just learning all these things about the world and how I fit into that puzzle.
I love people. I love freely and openly and warmly- and it gets me hurt sometimes and gets others hurt sometimes too.
I hurt people with my words and sometimes my actions. Some hurt is worse than others. I easily forgive myself and never make the same mistake twice.
I am terrible with money. I need to be rich.
I disregard the bad in people and things- sure the bad stinks and I can complain about it- but I believe people are better.
I dont believe in fate, or destiny- I believe in choice- that every minute choice compounds into your whole life into a trail of infinite decisions.
I know that I can be better- I have let myself go before- let my carelessness rule me- and I know that I am better than that.
I dont have regrets- I think that anything you regret is a waste of time- make a change, make a choice, if it's not right start again.
I love being in this body- all my life I have thought something wasnt quite right about me- but it is!! I am perfect, and I almost missed it.
I need to live near my friends and or family. I love them, I need support, I need fun, I need connections to others.
I am compassionate and I almost feel other peoples emotions stronger than my own. Why you cry, I cant help it either.
I like to get my way, but mostly only after I have to fight for it.
My job defines me for me, my success makes me feel like I'm making my life worth something.
I know that when I am jobless my life isnt worthless, but feel like I need to be working to really FEEL it.
I love singing and it is something I'm going to do all the time for me.
I am a woman. I am working on being the best me possible.
I love working, I love to accomplish things. I love to be in motion.
When I stop moving I feel lost.
I am bad at keeping secrets.
That sums me up. 25 years in the making and that's what I'd got.
11/17/08
drank
So, when I drink, apparently I DRINK.
Saturday night I got pretty crazy with the PBR. I have somewhere between ten and twelve drinks- which was maybe six or seven too many.
I remember most of the night, highlighted by trips to the photo booth with different people and inappropriate comments with my male comrades. Although I regret the amount I drank, I had a seriously good time.
It's really nice now and then to just let go and relax with friends. I've missed having friends while in Dallas... I miss Jimmy here in LA- but it's kind of a hopeful missing. I'm happy to be here working for our future and it's kind of exciting.
I'm sad that I've missed out on so much between my friends here while I lived in Dallas. It's pretty weird stepping back into this world where they've all been revolving and dancing around and I've moved into a different vantage point. It's hard to explain, but I love them and have missed them. Some things never change.
Anyway- so it was a pretty raucous night full of laughter and liquor and nonsense.
LA is like a drug that gives you a wicked high on fun and crazy- and then smacks you in the face with a mean hangover and a cold toilet bowl against your cheek.
Saturday night I got pretty crazy with the PBR. I have somewhere between ten and twelve drinks- which was maybe six or seven too many.
I remember most of the night, highlighted by trips to the photo booth with different people and inappropriate comments with my male comrades. Although I regret the amount I drank, I had a seriously good time.
It's really nice now and then to just let go and relax with friends. I've missed having friends while in Dallas... I miss Jimmy here in LA- but it's kind of a hopeful missing. I'm happy to be here working for our future and it's kind of exciting.
I'm sad that I've missed out on so much between my friends here while I lived in Dallas. It's pretty weird stepping back into this world where they've all been revolving and dancing around and I've moved into a different vantage point. It's hard to explain, but I love them and have missed them. Some things never change.
Anyway- so it was a pretty raucous night full of laughter and liquor and nonsense.
LA is like a drug that gives you a wicked high on fun and crazy- and then smacks you in the face with a mean hangover and a cold toilet bowl against your cheek.
11/5/08
burgered
My friend Joe bought me a burger today that was an inch from godliness. There was a wierd garlic sauce on it that is blamed for the inch.
Delicious.
Also, I would say to anyone that In and Out has the best burgers in the world.
Love,
Kate
Delicious.
Also, I would say to anyone that In and Out has the best burgers in the world.
Love,
Kate
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