loved

There is something about a rainy day that makes me live inside my head. To think about things I'd left for, well, quite literally a rainy day.


Today I went through old emails... from year ago up until today. E-mails for one reason or another that I had put in a saved folder. Emails about my family, emails about my cousins landing an acting gig, peoples updated address or phone numbers, love letters, hate letters, recommendation letters...

I read through each one.



There are so many people in my past that I have loved. I mean, Loved with a capital L. Loved and treated well, loved and hurt, loved and forgot, loved and still can’t forget.

It is both painful and heartwarming to know that people who I loved or had in my life one way or another are still in there... still tucked into a corner of my gmail and into a corner of my heart.

Love is a strange thing. The evolution of it.

I guess the best thing I have to say for it is that if I love you, I will always love you - in one way or another. I love my bunkmate from Blue Lake (Beezus), I love Paul Weatherford, I love Maurizzio, I love Dan Walshaw, I love my second grade best friend Patricia... and in a weird and full circle way, I love Jimmy.

Honestly, it's something I didn’t know how to say- but now that I'm more settled and have a life of my own and a job and hobbies and friends... there are things I reflect on with a smile when Jimmy pops into my head. There are things that I am proud of, there are things that I miss.

Maybe someday, a very distant someday I will be able to tell Jimmy that. That when I said I love you, I did mean forever.

Maybe I should call everyone I've ever loved and tell them that.

While the kind of love switches and changes and rolls around in your heart- it doesn’t mean it's less. It doesn’t mean it stops. It's still there. It's just a different kind of love. It's like Edward says, "There are as many kinds of love as there are moments in time."


I used to want to think I was saving my love for those who deserve it, for those who would never hurt me or leave me or disrespect me... but what the hell. Have it. You cant have me, maybe- but my love isn’t going anywhere.



So- Here's the deal, you.

I love you. I miss you. Even if I don’t ever speak to you again, which is unlikely, I love you.

And I don’t care if you love me back. Me loving you is something you can’t choose, or control or make stop- there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.

Not one thing.