past

A year ago today I was at a bar in Wrigleyville drinking large festive Mardi Gras drinks, eating jumbalya and being single-ish for the first time in a long time. Jimmy had told me that he didnt want to be US anymore.

And at that point, I was ready to drink, be young, and be merry.

I got Thad's number that night. He was tall, dark and handsome and I told him I'd call. I didnt. He showed up once at my apartment (being the best friend of my upstairs neighbor) and I tried to be nice- but I only looked like a jerk.

I wonder what would have happened if I had called?

Would I now be single out here in LA? Would I have had a one-night stand? Would it have changed anything?

I was working at Bennigans, finishing classes, nannying and spending my tip money on booze and bingo-nights.

I made friends that were girls (Micheala and Kendra and Rochelle and Sarah) and we had a nice long crazy drunk girls night out before we all had to open th next day.

It was different than the majority of my nights as a college student. Seeing as I worked two jobs or more at any one time and went to school full time and had three roomates and a boyfriend and a life... and then that night I felt like I didnt have any of those thing, those responsibilities.

I was a free woman for one night, and a cute, sweet boy chatted me up and told me funny stories and said I was beautiful and that he'd like to take me out.

I wonder what would be different if anything, if I chose to be that girl?

Would I be as happy as I am now with the choices I'm making?

Does it matter? Probably not, but it's nice to know that I've taken advantage of my options. I did everything in the college handbook.

-Get rip-roaring drunk and endd up on a park bench
-Get rip roaring drunk and have crazy stupid sex
-Get rip-roaring drunk and cry... a lot.
-Try drugs
-Write papers
-Sleep on random friend's couches
-Have random people on your couch every weekend
-Have a job (or six)
-Explore the city
-Get hired
-Get fired
-Learn about things your parents never knew
-Learn the things the hard way that your parents tried to teach you
-Learn things that you never wanted to know
-Learn things that make you who you are
-Throw up in a public place
-Throw up on others
-Eat things that are theoretically disgusting (and often turn out to be actually disgusting)
-Eat things that your mom never bought you
-Gain weight
-Lose weight
-Overdraw your bank account
-Put in your first big paycheck
-Meet new people who turn out to be freaks
-Meet freaks who turn out to be reallly great friends
-Think you know what you want
-Change your mind
-Figure out what you want
-Love somebody
-Hate that same somebody
-Fall in real love
-Fall out of real love
-Get a degree
-Have a party and make your last bad decisions as a College Student
-Move away
-Get a Job



I think I've covered all my bases. I've checked every box and crossed every t and now... I'm ready I think. Ready to accept my life for what it is. It's fun to look back, at those vivid moments that you didnt know at the time were a decision that led you to today.

And last year, today was one of mine. And maybe today, in five years this will be another.

For now, I'm ready to get up tomorrow morining and be glad I dont have the hang-over I did last year and be glad that I'm no longer living off Bingo winnings and tips.

unslept

Too tired to sleep. How does that happen?

I took and amazing hike today (check my myspace) in the mountains. Who knew that the amazing trails were just minutes from my house with breath-taking views and a breath-taking workout? It was fun, all the hills and mountian climbing and river crossing and rock jumping and waterfall watching and wading in oas-i (what is the plural of oasis?)...

But it got me thinking- if I move to Dallas what else will I be losing? I mean, I know the pros and the cons- but it's days like today that I would never have in Dallas.

Days like today that make me feel very sad to leave- but not sad enough.

The only reasons that really make me second guess myself are as follows:

1. I dont want to ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY move my shit.
2. I dont want to lose the only friend I've got.

I think number two really is the one that I'm most concerned about. I dont even think I can talk about it.