missed

To know you are missed is one of the most heartwarming things in the world. To miss someone is one of the most heart wrenching things you can imagine. When both happen at the same time- it feels like love.

I know love, today.

It has been over a week- and to not set my head on his belly, or have a tooth-brushing buddy, or a snuggle under the covers morning. Those moments that you dont know you are having a moment. (Not like when you are in the sunshine and having a good hair day and share a kiss- where you KNOW you are living a moment that you will want to look back on and revel in. Those are great, kodak, movie- but not what I'm talking about.)

Instead it's all those things that you dont think about. Holding their coffee while they drive, both squeezing from the bottom of the toothpaste because one of you likes it that way, sharing the best pillow on the bed even though it's too small, you want to share the goodness of the Star Wars pillow case.

It's the small stuff. It's knowing what they want to drink when they are in the restroom- it's coming out of the restroom and seeing your favorite drink already on the table.

I dont know if this will ever go away. I know people break up, friendships fade into business and marraiges end- but those small things, where someone KNOWS you, and misses how you leave your towel over the closet door, or how you leave your socks inside the sheets- it cant leave. It's going to be mine, and his forever, whether or not we grow old in the same place, at the same time- I will always love how he knows I want barbeque sauce with my french fries and that when I wake up from a nightmare I want my hand to be held until I fall back to sleep.

I dont care how old, or seperated or how close we become- those are the things that I cannot lose- cannot forget. The moments that dont really count- but that add up to be everything.

They not only make me feel loved- they let me know it.

Anyone can have a perfect date, a perfect day or a perfect moment- in the sun, or rain, inside a cab or on the EL- but who has a rhythm? As unsteady as the whole song might be- the beat stays true. At the begining it was faint, and often skipped- but right now it's like a steady happy thrum.

And without you here- without you next to me- and without me there, next to you- I still hear it. It's low, and hard to hear sometimes, but it doesnt stop- and this week, today, I hear it like I'm laying on your chest listening to your heartbeat.




I miss you. And you miss me. Sometimes you really get me. And that is more than I can ask of anybody.

spoiled

Tonight I went to a bar, where there were bands playing and guys with guitars playing and it was small, and fun and loud- I felt fun.

The first guy who was on, him and his electric guitar alone on the stage- with maybe twenty five people in the audience, and probably twenty of them were there specifically just for him. Cheering him on by name, singing along to his indie-rock and yelling things like, "You're doing great, Nick!" "You sound like a rock star!" "Dont be nervous, you're amazing!"...

It was like it was just him and them in the room. They were his cheerleaders, and the rest of us were eavesdropping on the concert.

I found myself being jealous, he was so loved and supported and I wanted to know his name and have twenty friends at my back telling me, "You're doing great!". I wanted to be a part of it. Of something.




I am spoiled from this vacation. I want to not be lonely out here anymore. I'm sick of this life. If it turns out that Jimmy isnt moving here, and I'm not moving there... I think I'm going to move. Maybe to Vancouver. Maybe to Boston. Maybe to Australia. Maybe to Michigan.

Who knows. I just want out. I want change. I want things to be more like I WANT them instead of how I can tolerate them.


I miss the old me.