shoved

So- I am myself again.

I am over the shock of the wonderful things that have happend in the last month and am really really elated.


I am getting MARRIED!!! To the most wonderful, patient, understanding, funny, and loving man in the world.

The job at the front desk of FWC is going well... but I think the majority of people in the world are dumber than me, and maybe I need a dose of humility- that or everyone to agree that they are stupid and need to be working at McDonalds instead of somewhere that they are underqualified...

That's just one possiblity, though. I've got thousands.

I miss my sister and want to show her the bridesmaid dresses that I like and think she would look kick-ass in.

Also, we never really went over the fact that she is my maid of honor- and that means she has duites to perform... which I'm happy to do for her since she is very far away, but none-the-less I want her to accept the job and stand next to me on my wedding day.


Tom is leaving Dallas in a couple weeks for school- it's wierd to think in six months all three Grady kids will be out of college and into the real world trying to make it as adults. Geez. What happend to piggy-wanna-signal and couch forts?

discontented

So. I have everything. Everything imaginable to make one happy.

I have a loving, amazing family.
I have a supportive, incredible fiance.
I have a great education.
I have a working car.
I have food in my belly.
I have clothes on my back.
I have a bed to sleep in....

The only thing I have been missing in the past three months is a job. I have been down and cranky and sad and depressed all because I felt useless, impotent and horrible- basically jobless.



Today I got a job.

Somehow, not only do I not feel better- I feel worse. Like I want to cry. Not just any old cry- I want to cry like my life depends on it. I want to cry so hard my throat hurts and my eyes sting and my face swells up like I've been stung by a bee.

Maybe it's my period, (Which shouldnt be happening in the first place- AND after six months of forced menopause, shouldn't suck... it still does. Badly. Waisted time, waisted money.) Maybe it's my attitude. Maybe it's just me. I feel like Aunt Karen. Maybe the desire to cry is because I'm relieved... but I don't think so.


The job doesn't start until September- maybe it's facing that many more weeks of nothingness... or maybe it's the remote possibility that this is some sort of un-funny cosmic joke. In a month and a half I'll get a call,

"Sorry, Kate. We found someone else..."

I want a fucking doughnut. I hate doughnuts and I want one. Fuck you. Fuck your mother.

Eat shit and die.


How am I so ungrateful? Maybe this is just Karma. I desrve to be unhappy when I have everything I've ever wanted.

I am a Producer... at a real company. I am going to marry a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. My family is happy.





What the fuck is my problem, and why dont I have anyone to blame but myself?