discontented

So. I have everything. Everything imaginable to make one happy.

I have a loving, amazing family.
I have a supportive, incredible fiance.
I have a great education.
I have a working car.
I have food in my belly.
I have clothes on my back.
I have a bed to sleep in....

The only thing I have been missing in the past three months is a job. I have been down and cranky and sad and depressed all because I felt useless, impotent and horrible- basically jobless.



Today I got a job.

Somehow, not only do I not feel better- I feel worse. Like I want to cry. Not just any old cry- I want to cry like my life depends on it. I want to cry so hard my throat hurts and my eyes sting and my face swells up like I've been stung by a bee.

Maybe it's my period, (Which shouldnt be happening in the first place- AND after six months of forced menopause, shouldn't suck... it still does. Badly. Waisted time, waisted money.) Maybe it's my attitude. Maybe it's just me. I feel like Aunt Karen. Maybe the desire to cry is because I'm relieved... but I don't think so.


The job doesn't start until September- maybe it's facing that many more weeks of nothingness... or maybe it's the remote possibility that this is some sort of un-funny cosmic joke. In a month and a half I'll get a call,

"Sorry, Kate. We found someone else..."

I want a fucking doughnut. I hate doughnuts and I want one. Fuck you. Fuck your mother.

Eat shit and die.


How am I so ungrateful? Maybe this is just Karma. I desrve to be unhappy when I have everything I've ever wanted.

I am a Producer... at a real company. I am going to marry a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. My family is happy.





What the fuck is my problem, and why dont I have anyone to blame but myself?