hope and despair

This post is not like my other posts. I am not just 'not myself', I am emotionally divided. I am sliced to the core and split into two.

I have been crying all morning. One minute I am in the darkest corner of myself with worries and stress and the next I am elated and full of promise and hope.




Despair:

I am personally in a tough spot. Penniless, jobless and alone. Right now I have the clothes on my back, I have a couch I am crashing, I have a cup of coffee bought for me by a good friend... but beyond this minute. Beyond this day- I don't know where I will be, what I will eat, how I will pay for gas and laundry detergent. I am worried like I have never been.

As a college student and recent grad I have been poor. I have had tough weeks where you eat that last bit of cereal in the box and hear your stomach grumble all day. I have begged for change to get on the EL in Chicago. I have scrimped, I have gone hungry, I have gone without heat in the winter and without AC in the summer. I have spent money I did not have. I have cried many tears over lost jobs or opportunities- I have worked my way up from darkness and had many helping hands on the way.

In all those hard and gritty days of sleeping on a mattress on the floor or working three jobs, I always knew I was on the way somewhere. I knew I was on the path that was right for me. I had hope, I had warmth in that. I had so much more than I ever knew.

This is so different than that was. I don't feel like the young person I am. I feel like I've gone through my fair share of overdrawn bank accounts and sleepless nights of worry. I've taken so much charity from family and friends to help me get by. I feel like I should be better at this whole concept of life by now.

Today I am an adult. I am a woman with a husband and responsibilities. I shoulder half of our shared burden and then my own personal ball and chain that I refuse to lay upon Jimmy. Outside my bills and debt I've built up I have this enourmous amount owed to my parents, my debt to my brother, there is probably debt to my sister, too.

My family has absolved me of the debts I owe them, monetary or not, but I cant do that with a clear conscience. I owe them all so much, both Jimmy and I do, more than I can ever put into words or dollars, really. But their understanding relieves some of the weight. They know that if it takes me ten, twenty, fifty years to send them a final check on what I owe them, and all the favors in between I have to repay- I will. I am good for it.

I have lost the idea somewhere that my work has been worth it. I have this nightmare that I'm going to end up a real estate agent in a small town dreaming about the chances I took and regretting them.

I have worked so hard for my career for the chance of having a good one, waiting for it to pay off. It is such a roller coaster of wins and loss. I have been at the peak and reaped the benefits- paying every bill on time, having extra to save, being able to really make a dent. I have been at the mid point- making it by, not saving, but not scrimping either. And now I am under the waves clawing my way back up to the surface. I reek of desperation today. I can smell it on myself and everything I touch. And then I clear the surface and I take a deep breath and dive back in- trying to hold my breath longer this time without panicking.


In all honesty, I have worried myself into a corner and maybe done more damage with that than anything else tangible. Maybe I'll take that last lorazempam? I've saved it for months and months for the day I was too overwhelmed. It's been a nice security blanket.





Hope:

We have a new president. One I believe in with everything that I am. Whether that is desperation or optimism, I'm not sure. But I believe.

I keep crying about my low points and my worry and then I catch a part of an Obama speech, or read something about it- or hear the joy in Jimmy's voice when he talks about it. About change, about hope, about possibilities and I cry new tears that are jubilant.

My country is changing for the better. My opinions matter. My needs matter. My families needs matter. My choices matter.
I matter. Matter is such an ugly looking word but means so much more than it looks.

The problems I have with insane interest rates and ridiculous rent and taxes that kill- that may all change, and it may not. But the hope that it will get better- that doors that were closed and locked may open in my life is so beautiful.

I have possibilities. I have dreams. I have options. I have choice. I can have anything. I can have everything.

The feeling that builds up in me is like a hike for my soul. A walk in the dark of the forest uphill, trudging and dirty- but you know that up the next crest is the fresh cool air that opens onto the view of the ocean and the mountains. It is a soaring feeling. A feeling that defies everything you've ever been told, every 'no' thrown at you, every loss, every worry, every burden is lightened and seen in a new shiny light.

It is a light full of answers and solutions and options. It is hope. It wants to burst out of me and tackle everything in its path it sun and warmth and a crispness that feels like clean laundry and warm socks.




I am so humiliated and crushed by life at the moment.
I am so awed and inspired by life at the moment.
I am probably certifiably crazy at the moment.


Obviously I am split in two. I am in the depths and the shallows. I want to throw myself into the hope and hang on and thrill in it... but the dark corners lure me away with sorrows and self pity.

*big calming sigh* Today just just the most overwhelming things in totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I don't think my body can contain it- so I end up crying like a lunatic, smiling through tears one moment and covering my face with my hands the next.

I want to believe in everything. I want to grow and spread and be.

I think I'll do just that. I think I'll aim in that direction and tread the best I can.




How come I'm so good under pressure in my work, but when it comes to my life I'm crushed like a bug? Did I use up my karmic share? How come when I'm overwhelmed words bubble out of me like a water from a faucet?


I've stopped crying now. I feel... not better- but quelled. I love that word. I want a burger and a big diet coke. Instead I'm going to eat vitamins and finish this coffee Kendra bought me and pretend that it's the lunch I've envisioned... I'll even throw in some imaginary french fries. You cant be allergic to imaginary potatoes. ha! Take that world.