humbugged

A very long and winding rant about being poor and young and having a job among those that do not:


I am not a rich woman, in fact I'm rather poor. After taxes, bills, gas for my car and rent I'm pretty much broke bi-weekly. I have a very small budget for meals out, movies or groceries.

Not to say I'm struggling too much- I'm not, I make it by. I haven't gone negative in my bank account in a LONG time- but I have driven to and from work praying not to run out of gas more often than I'd like to admit because I just didn't have the money to get some.

Granted- that's what being young is about.

I'm just frustrated, though, I work hard for my paycheck every two weeks. I bust ass looking towards payday every two weeks...

I work a job I hate, I do well at it and I suck it up daily so I don't have to rely on anyone but myself (at least, that's the goal).

My friends, who I love dearly, are not in my shoes. Yes, they have bills and loans and cars that need gas- but many of them are grad students, and live off loans, many of them have been laid off and live off unemployment and many of them are just looking for work and live off odd jobs.


I am the only person out of all of my friends that have a true 9-5 job that has a guaranteed paycheck.

I know it is a blessing that I have work- any work in this economy, in this rough part of life. But sometimes I just cant see it that way.

My friends have time in their days to watch movies, make projects, hang out, create art, make films, make plans, see the sunshine... while I commute to and from work for 3+ hours a day and work there for 8 - 9 hours a day. Once I'm done with that I'm TIRED.

But I keep working. I do freelance jobs for sets, I consult for peoples films, I try to stay in touch with the film community and not disappear into my job...

I feel like they take that luxury for granted. I feel like every time they want to stay up until 3am to watch "Just ONE more" episode of breaking bad, or keep talking about "Why Rodriguez stole from Tarantino" or vice versa- I just want to scream and pull out my hair. I'm not trying to be party pooper, I'm I'm trying to tell you how to live your lives or be less fun guys. I'm just FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

Here's my daily schedule:

6:30am - Alarm goes off, Snooze Button
7:15am - Leave House
8:45/9:30am (Traffic dependent) - Arrive at work
4:45/5:45pm (work dependent, No lunch hour) - Leave work
6:00/7:30pm (Traffic Dependent) - Get Home
8:00pm - Cook dinner for me, joe and dave (sometimes order in)
8:30/9:30 - 1am - Work on whatever project I'm in the middle of/have meetings/watch TV/handle personal life
12/1am - Shower and Bed

You try it sometime.

This is my life 5 days a week. On weekends, I'm either making a film, prepping for a film or helping someone with their film. Once in a while, every couple months, I will work a night job. From 7pm to 7am I will be on set or working on a film and I will not sleep before my real job.That extra paycheck is sometimes just THAT needed, or the project that juicy where I cant turn down the work.

And when it comes to money. I'm no scrooge.

I get asked to loan people money all the time to cover their rent until their next check clears or they get paid next week or whatever the story is... and I do it. I can live without the $200 bucks for a couple days so you can not get evicted. I can eat old cereal for a week so you can cover the emergency car repairs you needed... I can help that way- as long as you pay me back, which I've never had a problem with.

My problem comes with the little stuff.

With gas station stops and grocery stores and dinners...

On birthdays, you split the birthday persons meal. It's JUST HOW IT WORKS. DONT COME TO DINNER IF YOU CANT SPLIT YOUR SHARE OF THE BIRTHDAY BOY/GIRLS MEAL.... Just don't.

And when it comes time for the check don't assume that I will cover your portion. That's jack-assery. Don't make jokes about how I am ms. moneybags because I have a fucking job. Don't make me feel like an asshole because you don't have one. You chose to come out. You said you could afford it. YOU MADE THAT DECISION.

And then the check comes and instead of even paying for YOUR share of the check, you lay a $20 or $30 bucks down and call it a night.

You know someone has to pay foe the rest of your meal, right? Someone is also going to pay your share of the tip., you know that right?

You know what that makes you?

An asshole. One I dont particularly want to be with.

Same with going to the movies. When someone puts all the tickets on their card so we can get tickets online pre-show, PAY THEM BACK. Don't just take the ticket, say thanks, and not pay them. Dont tell them "Oh, I'll get you back." Dont just ignore it. Bring cash. Dont be that guy. Whoever lays down the money upfront IS NOT YOUR MOM. FUCKING MAN UP AND PAY FOR YOURSELF OR DONT GO TO THE DAMN MOVIE. YOU BITCHED ABOUT NOT WANTING TO SEE AVATAR ANYWAY.

And grocery shopping. Don't get me started, honestly. Seriously. Dont get me started. Let me just sum up the guidelines for grocery shopping with others.

1) Come with a list, or at the very least a game plan. If you dont have one, you dont get a say.
2) If you are not paying, you dont get to pick a goddamn thing.
3) If you are splitting the bill you- pick things EVERYONE LIKES. No caviar for yourself, or soy milk because you prefer it, no personal items, no $40 bottles of liquor, no tofu burgers because your girlfriends a vegetarian. When you need something that isnt to be shared buy it your damn self. I'm not paying for half of it.
4) When we get to the check out be ready to pay your share.
5) At home, don't eat more than your share - or if you do, replace stuff. We bought 18 eggs on Monday, there should be some left so I can have a couple on Sunday... if there aren't any, pick some more up- don't ask me to do it- I might kill you.


I know I make money. I'm very sorry you dont have a job right now, whatever the reason. It sucks to not have work. I've been there.

But you know what? If you dont have a job, DONT GO OUT TO EAT. DONT GO TO THE MOVIES.

Shouldn't you be thinking about those things? Dont suggest seeing the newst Apatow film, suggest maybe, a picnic in the park. A hike. A game of lawn bowling. WHATEVER.

I never suggest things to do- because:

1) I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY MONEY
2) I DONT WANT YOU SPENDING MY MONEY FOR ME
3) I would honestly ideally just like to fall asleep on the couch most nights around 10pm. SO no, I don't want to go to the new club down the street and buy $16 drinks for everyone.

And lastly, if it's your turn to buy toilet paper, or laundry detergent or tin foil or whatever those little items are- I dont want to hear you bitching about how much they cost. I dont want you to go the dollar store and buy shitty stuff when for the last month we share the good stuff bought. I dont want to have you ask me to "Pick some up on the way home, I forgot to do it today- I'll pay you back."

I want YOU to do it. Pull your weight.

OR move back home with mom and dad where they will buy your charmin and your dial for you and you can bitch and moan to them all you like. I dont want to hear it.

I'm tired of it. I'm not your private loan center, secondary bank account or fall back plan.

Please stop treating me like I am. I know I've probably pulled you out of tight spot before- and I was happy to do it- but I'm not going to do it anymore.

I need to keep my feet under me. This month was a really close call, and tonight's Dinner debacle was the last straw.

I'm making a list of the things you owe me, people. And you're going to pay me back.

If that means you scrub my toilet and empty my dishwasher and do my laundry- or you hand me a wad of cash, BY GOD SO BE IT.

I'm tired. I'm really really tired. And you know why? Because I bust my ass 24/7 to make enough money for me to live and for me to carve the career I want for myself. I cant help you live your life anymore.

SO. I'm puttin' my foot down.

This teller is closed, please use another window. Have a nice day.

rambled

So time is flying yet again and this whole blogging thing is getting away from me. Everytime I think of something I want to write about I'm inevitably in my car... which is a shitty place to have ideas because I never have a pen, paper or the attention span to think about more than the dick-headed drivers on the road.

Needless to say, I've bee a little lax in my updating of this- but hello again dear reader.

Let me sum up the past few weeks/months/however long for you.




1) My job (the daytime one that I dread and still feel like doing well, no matter how tedious and hairpulling it my be sometimes):


Who's the Boss indeed.

They fucked me over a little and I've taken that as a sign that this job is going to be shorter than the majority of Joss Whedons TV ventures.





2) My apartment (I moved!)


Isnt my place cuuuuute?

I love the new place, living with Joe in basically a conod-type space with two master suites and a large kitchen and a decent sized living room.


Me and Joe at brunch!

We dont have TV but with the magic of technology we do have streaming netflix which might be the best invention ever. EVER.


We got to paint and decorate like mad. Love it.





3) Friends

Last year at this time I was starting to hang out with a little gaggle of people that eventually (over a bout six months) turned into my very own urban family. At this point, the fmaily has had a divorce that has still scarred the children.



Sure, we all still like one another, but we dont really talk about what happened. I look back at our cook outs and parties and move nights with fondness and a little bit of sadness because we were all amazed, even at the time, that we had found somethng so profoundly special.



Without going into gorey details, suffice it to say that we all went a little crazy on one another. Over worked, under slept, too much romance, too little sincerity, too much trust... or some combination of those things on all our parts.



And outside of all that messiness of the gang's break-up, I miss it. I miss going to things and goofing around and laughing my fricken face off and having a family here. I think seeing everyone content in what they are up to now is great- but it's not the same.



I guess I'm not as content. I miss having people I can count ono and call and spend time with. But I guess that's part of growing up, too. Another crappy part of it. Things change- like it or not, people change, too.


4) Me!

I'm 26 now, which I think I wrote an entry about... I'm dating a guy I like. I'm happy in this relationship. He makes me laugh til my face hurts and makes me feel warm and snuggly (and sexy... you know, like a lady). He's in grad school and just as busy as I am- so we spend a lot of our time together trying to hang out but end up napping on one another by accident.


Joe snapped a photo of us as we were trying to watch Little Britain but passed out instead...

I'm looking for a new job, or atleast playing with my resume enough in my sparse spare time that I'm convincing myself I'm actually looking.

I'm thinking about grad school, about just saying fuck-it and quitting my job to work freelance... I'm also thinking about my bills and my debt and blah blah blah.

Being reasonable and rational comes with age, I guess. A couple years ago I would have quit my job and flown off to try somethig new by now.

Instead I'm thinking about my utility bill and the fact that I'm going to need new break pads soon. Is that mature of me or what?

And also lame. how lame.

Figuring out what I want to do from here with life is weird. It's like I'm ready for change but too scared and busy and tired to really put anything into motion... and honestly, I dont even know what I really want anymore.


So I guess that's step one- figure out what I want. Step two- make it so. (Thank you Picard.)


5) Saksas

My cousins came to visit me! It was wonderful and as expected a little awkward.

But I love them. They are growing up to be quite the smartass little genius' that I suspected they might.


At the Hollywood Sign Grass Bowl with Dave and Steph




6) Film

I've been working freelance and as a volunteer on a number of movies... and it's been great. I've missed doing it. I designed a couple short films and have been trying to put together some music videos.


A scene I designed from a recent film

I really want to pursue making more movies... I love it and I miss it when I'm not doing it. I should take more photos of my work, though. I'm terrible about it. All my portfolio stuffs are from others that give me records. I really should do better- and I will. I'm totally about working more, no matter the crazy hours or the little sleep... this morning I got up at 4:30 to be on set before I went to my day job for nine hours and it was worth it.

Sadly, thats my life right now. Bustin' ass, taking names and getting sleep when I can. I guess that's not so sad- and maybe I do have more direction for my future than I thought.


7) That is all I have to say for today. End Transmission.