year

A year from today, I will be doing my hair, buttoning up my dress, battling nerves, and walking down the isle.

A year from today I'll be saying, "I do."

I will be agreeing to be a part of a new family, to make my own, to start with the man that I love, to be with him, by his side, and he by mine until... well, always.

Forever is such a hard word. Forever doenst fit- it's too trivial, and not long enough- and yet too long. It's too long to say that word. Forever makes me think of Sysiphus- not Jimmy.

Always. And. True.

Those words make me think of Jimmy.

Those words are the ones that I want to say to him. They might find their way to my lips a year from today. They might not, instead I have a feeling I'll cry and hug and beam.

He is my best friend, my lover, my partner and my other half. I keep thinking the "What if" thoughts.

Thinking, what if I had slept with so&so, what if we hadnt made the choices we did? And each time I roll through the maybes and the possiblities in my head, living out each possible life to today-

And in each one, each life without Jimmy- it is pale and aches. I think of the job I would have and then wonder who would I call with good and bad news? Not Jimmy? And my heart pulls. I think of the place I might sleep and I wonder who would be next to me? Not Jimmy? And my throat tightens. I think of the place I might live, sunny and blue in my daydreams- but empty. Like an episode of Cold Case or Without a Trace...

And then I flicker back to reality. To the sunny kitchen, the tickling while I brush my teeth, waking up from a nightmare and having warm arms already soothing, the kisses that wake me up in the early hours, the bickering over groceries, the handholding at the movies, the sense of pride when we make it, the late night conversations about family and things we dream.

I am in a place I neve imagined. I am in a place that I never dreamed about.

And yet, now, right now- I cant think of a life I'd rather have. I would love to see more of the world, I would love to explore different lives- but nothing changes those daydreams. Jimmy is always there. In Spain. In Vancouver. In Ireland. In Australia. In Seattle. Its us, together- no matter where or when.

This is more than I meant to write and more then I thought I had to say.

One year. Right now. Today. How terrifying and exciting.

born

Last night I had a dream about my life- about my life in two, five, ten years...

I was me, and I was in a house that over looked a lake with waves that you could hear from the bedroom.

In that bedroom I sat in a rocking chair and held my baby. My daughter- who was so vivid and beautiful I could smell her skin and feel her hair- light brown and so soft it fell through my fingers, her eyes were huge and blue - they were Jimmy's eyes. She was te most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She ahs no name, though. Not yet.

In the room my sister stood over a crib, only Sara was taller, with a short bob of a hair cut- she smiled down into the crib and pulled out her own child. A little girl, too. With dark red hair and brown eyes. The baby had such white skin with rosy little cheeks-


Sara and I sat with a lamp on, and the waves rushed out the window and Jimmy was on the stairs, climbing to say hello and Sara and I sat. And smiled. And were silent.

Jimmy brought in hat for the babies, hats that wee put on their heads and suddenly the image of me holding my daughter wearing that hat, sitting next to my sister and my neice was a photo in my hands and I was onlder. Much older- telling a story about that day- pointing to the hat in the photo and saying how Jimmy bought it because September was so cold that year- but beautiful. How it was abeautiful fall that year.