year

A year from today, I will be doing my hair, buttoning up my dress, battling nerves, and walking down the isle.

A year from today I'll be saying, "I do."

I will be agreeing to be a part of a new family, to make my own, to start with the man that I love, to be with him, by his side, and he by mine until... well, always.

Forever is such a hard word. Forever doenst fit- it's too trivial, and not long enough- and yet too long. It's too long to say that word. Forever makes me think of Sysiphus- not Jimmy.

Always. And. True.

Those words make me think of Jimmy.

Those words are the ones that I want to say to him. They might find their way to my lips a year from today. They might not, instead I have a feeling I'll cry and hug and beam.

He is my best friend, my lover, my partner and my other half. I keep thinking the "What if" thoughts.

Thinking, what if I had slept with so&so, what if we hadnt made the choices we did? And each time I roll through the maybes and the possiblities in my head, living out each possible life to today-

And in each one, each life without Jimmy- it is pale and aches. I think of the job I would have and then wonder who would I call with good and bad news? Not Jimmy? And my heart pulls. I think of the place I might sleep and I wonder who would be next to me? Not Jimmy? And my throat tightens. I think of the place I might live, sunny and blue in my daydreams- but empty. Like an episode of Cold Case or Without a Trace...

And then I flicker back to reality. To the sunny kitchen, the tickling while I brush my teeth, waking up from a nightmare and having warm arms already soothing, the kisses that wake me up in the early hours, the bickering over groceries, the handholding at the movies, the sense of pride when we make it, the late night conversations about family and things we dream.

I am in a place I neve imagined. I am in a place that I never dreamed about.

And yet, now, right now- I cant think of a life I'd rather have. I would love to see more of the world, I would love to explore different lives- but nothing changes those daydreams. Jimmy is always there. In Spain. In Vancouver. In Ireland. In Australia. In Seattle. Its us, together- no matter where or when.

This is more than I meant to write and more then I thought I had to say.

One year. Right now. Today. How terrifying and exciting.