eved

Today is Christmas eve and I dont feel much holiday spirit. I have had the sense of dread and misery for weeks now, maybe months- I lost count.

I keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstaps and put on a happy face and think positive and none of that has left me with any more hope for tomorrow.

I'm afraid that Jimmy doesnt love me anymore. I'm afraid that the other shoe is going to drop. I am afraid that I will never find a job. I am afraid that my hair will never be shiny again. I'm afraid that one of these mornings I really wont get out of bed. I am afraid of how much I dislike myself lately.


I almost wish I didnt exist, then all these things couldnt be painful. I want a big huge rest where I am safe and warm and dont have to worry about anything, and when I wake up this huge rock that is crushing my chest will be gone.

I know the majority of the fears I have are silly and untrue... but knowing that it is one way doesnt mean I can make myself feel that way.




Merry Christmas- I hope next year that this feeling is long gone and I am myself again.