I figured by now I'd know my times tables by heart, or way the refs in football throw yellow flags and not red ones, or why sometimes I wake up with yellow crusties in the corner of my eye....
But I don't. And I'm not sorry that I don't.
I kind of feel like I'm still learning every day.
For example, today I learned something very important. Let me set the stage for you.
It is raining buckets here in Dallas and by 4:30 it is pitch dark. So today when I walked the dog around five pm, it was like that scene in Pirates of The Caribbean, where it's pouring and they're all sword fighting and swash buckling on the deck of the ship- only I wasn't on a pirate ship or wearing pirate boots (which would have been handy since my socks were soaked the moment I stepped out the door) and I wasn't carrying a sword.
Anyway, my puppy is very happy to be walking in the rain because it makes the big white cat who lives next door hide under bushes where it is easier for my lovely mutt to terrorize and try to wrestle with. The cat-next-door is not amused by any of this and often hisses and tries to jump on me like I am going to save her from the dog, which causes chaos and yelling and barking and hissing since I am allergic and slightly afraid of cats claws and this one is about fifteen pounds over weight... I am a regular Jack Handy.
So I pull Gob (my dog) away from feral cat under the bushes next to the house and try to make him go to the bathroom quickly because the wetness is seeping up the legs of my jeans almost to my knees. As we round the corner to the house I see the fucking next-door cat not under the bushes, but lurking on our doorstep! So I cant get close to the house until it goes away, not wanting another animal encounter I stand about fifteen feet away and yell at it through the rain to get off my damn porch.
Gob is tugging furiously at his leash and lolling his tongue all over the place like the cat is going to play with him, which he's not. Fucking cat.
So as I'm yelling at the furry ball on my porch steps, it decides to start in our direction down the path, which makes Gob go crazier and me keep yelling ridiculous and cliche things like, "Scat!" and "Shoo" (only I follow up with a choice curse word or fowl nickname for the cat- "Shoo, fucknut!" "Scat, you asshat!")
As the cat is coming towards us in the rain I realize that it, by choice, came out into the wet weatherand is moving REALLY fast- which is weird... and then I squint through the pelting raindrops and realize that the thing coming towards me and my slap-happy dog is no cat.
It is the biggest mother fucking Possum in history. And it looks mean! When I usually think of possums, I think of cute little hanging furballs and whiskers.... like this.
But no, I had to end up with a charging snarling blob of white evil possum-ness. It came at Gob and I so fast- and really, this is where I learned my lesson.
I learned the following things in those few seconds while a Opossum the size of an over weight house cat ran full speed at me and my puppy.
1) Do not antagonize things (especially animals), not matter how cranky or sopping wet you are. The term, "asshat" is not nice to call anyone, and apparently Possums are just as opposed to it as my ex-boss was.
2) Do not under estimate the size of Texas animals.
3) No matter what I've heard or read- animals that may look cute in photos are not in real life. (ie: Opossums, spider monkeys, ferrets)
And most importantly-
4) When being charged by a furious animal in the pouring rain, do not freeze. Move. Run. Hide. DO SOMETHING.
Instead when being faced with this:
I held completely still and was saved at the last moment when Gob also realizing that this was not a friendly encounter- but a vicious rodent the size of a car tire hell bent on ripping our faces off. Gob suddenly stopped struggling against his leash, stood stalk still and barked- loudly over the rain. Accomplishing two things: scaring the crap out of both me and the rodent.
Post Bark- the rodent scurried into the nearest bushes and I cut and ran to the house.
I figure, that's a pretty good life lesson for a rainy day. Useful.
No comments:
Post a Comment