dark

Warning: This post took me about two hours to press the "Publish Post" button on this entry.



Things can change so quickly, I hope tomorrow is one of those days that spin everything on it's ass again and the dice come out of the cup in a yatzee.

I could use that.





Since there are like, three people I know that read this blog I am going to confess some things that I'm not sure I want to talk about- but generally once things are written down you can figure them out better... or something.


I'd love to put these things into a cute little list with quips and comments, but I don't know how to do that and be honest with myself.

I'm depressed- and I don't know how to deal with it very well. It's much harder than I thought- those stupid 'depression' commercials aren't funny anymore. The color has drained out of my life- everything is grey and I feel like it's all my fault. Things this week got suddenly so bad I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I pushed the limits on how long someone can cry and still be hydrated enough to survive it.

I have moved home to my parents and I'm too afraid to call my friends and tell them. I don't know how long I'll be here. I feel like I've been banished from my life and been sent to rehab or an alternate universe.

It is good that I am here though. I've been here since Monday and it's a pretty shitty start to the year. I miss Jimmy and Gob- but this is okay for now. I am in limbo and it's nice to not wake up and worry that I'll ruin Jimmy's life any second.

In fact, I don't know if I'm getting married in September. (Those of you reading this, please don't gossip about this- I'm really asking you seriously. I don't want to hear about this or have people who don't read this know... okay? I know, I'm putting this in the Internet and anyone could technically read this, but please. I'm asking you- don't call your high school buddies and say, ' did you hear about Kate?, Jeez- how pathetic is she?'- one, I already know how pathetic this is. I cant help it. My brain is a traitor. And two- I cant really function beyond wake up and go to sleep these days- so I cant really add hunt you down and beat you up to the list. Just a little respect is all I ask. I'm sure in a few years we can all sit around a giggle at what my brain chemistry turned me into way back in 2008.) I say this because I don't know, he doesn't know...

I feel like I'm going to black out as I'm writing this. My heart is pounding and my hands are sweating. This is all very hard to say.

I've been pretty sick for the past couple months and to say the least, it didn't help the whole 'I don't have a job', 'plan a wedding', 'So the ham went bad?', 'YOU take out the garbage' parts of being new at living together and starting a life.

It really scares me- the idea that the wedding wouldn't happen... I mean, big deal- no wedding hoopla... but the idea of not being with Jimmy, being his wife and he my husband makes me want to cry and beg and apologize like my life depends on it. That in itself points out the fact that I really am sick. That sentence so isn't me. I wouldn't say that... but I am.

I want to be Jimmy's wife and I want him to be my husband. My other half. He already is, and I am his... but I want the piece of paper. I just do. Is that okay? Why cant I feel anything beyond despair?

I miss myself. I miss Jimmy. I miss having a life.


Tomorrow I see a couple doctors and then Saturday I see some more... and I hope it turns out to be Hypothyroid because that would just be so easy to fix. And I would be better right away and feel like life isn't just a well that you cant climb out of.

That'd be nice. I remember thinking about life as something good, I remember thinking of it as something awesome and sparkly... and really FEELING AWE. And now remembering that I feel more about it than I have in months. Oh, wait- it's gone.







So, here I am taking a break from me and Jimmy and life and everything and if it weren't for my mom and dad I think I would have done something I'd really regret. Like shave my head and beat up a car with an umbrella....


Mantra?

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, please, wake up....