eclipsed

I don't have words for the feeling that is building so I'm going to borrow others.





Children run so fast/Toward the future/From the past/There they stand/Making footprints in the sand/And forever, hand in hand...
-Ragtime



"We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom."
- Anonymous


"To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright."
-?

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
-A. Camus



"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."
-K. Nair



"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-Buddha




Tonight was the lunar eclipse. I remember the last one I saw and it has been imprinted in me as one of the most serene and awed moments of my growing up. Tonight's was just as amazing and it made me miss my sister and remember how tangible wonder can be.




I am so close to the wood's edge that I can see the moon clearly- all I need is to take those few steps to be back into myself again. I am terrified and energized and so blissfully happy to be where I am at.

sidetracked

Amidst all this doctoring and getting better and finding Kate in a Kateless world I've been sidetracked into my own littleness and the orb that surrounds me moment to moment.


Today I made a resolution (prompted by one of my doctors) that I must do the following things everyday:

1. Leave the house
2. Go to the gym (get exercise)
3. Talk to someone outside my family
4. Be brave
5. Stop worrying

On top of the doctor's (other) orders, this is a lot of doctors orders:

1. No Caffeine
2. No Sugar
3. No Carbs
4. No non-organic products
5. No non-hormonal products
6. Take Omega 3 Fish Oil (x2 Daily, in Natural Lemon Flavor! Yum!!)
7. Take Vessel Care (x2 Daily)
8. Take Zinc (x2 Daily)
9. Take Selenium (x1 Daily)
10. Take Meta-I 3 C (x2 Daily)
11. Take Multigenics Intensive Care Supplements (x2 Daily)
12. Take Zertec D (x2 Daily)
13. Take Atavan (x2 Daily)
14. Take Ambien CR for sleep
15. Drink Water
16. Must have at least 1 Serving of Soy a day
17. No Liquor
18. No Salt
19. No Chocolate
20. No Fatty foods (No Butte or anything containing butter)
21. No Cured meats (ex: No ham)
22. No artificial sweeteners



On top of this my doctor told me that my portions should also be reduced... I said NO to that.

If all I can eat is nuts, twigs and bark then I'm going to eat all the goddamn bark I fucking want. Got that DOC?  


Although- there really isn't anything satisfying about any of the food I'm allowed to have so I really find myself eating "about a deck of card or less" sized portion of anything.

It's aggravating. The one thing I try to rebel on and I cant...





To give my doctors some credit, I do feel better. MUCH better than I did, at least... and that is something.



I am finding Kate even though I'm eating lots of well... I'm not really eating lots of anything. I'm finding Kate regardless of what's on the menu.



It's been over two weeks on this new life plan and while it's all hurrah for me and what-not- I hope that in the near future that an "organic" company comes out with a delicious tasting Chicken Noodle soup. So far I've tried three that tasted like wet tuna, onions or air... there's got to be a tasty organic soup out there. If this is supposed to stick for the rest of my life then I'm going to need to re-negotiate with the soup makers in this world.