paused

I woke up today forgetting where I was. Sore, tired, alone, and frusterated.

Today isnt the first day where I dreampt I was back home in bed, where I dreampt his arms were around me instead of this lumpy pillow. toady isnt the first day I woke up crying.

I make myself sound really pitiful.

I'm not, thank you very much, I'm just- sad. On the inside, not the pathetic girl who is sad all the time on the outside.

I miss my life. I miss everything that I had, thatI feel like I worked for. All the friends, the jobs, the school, the apartment, the grocery shopping...

I suddenly am at a stand still with life, in some sort of freeze- like in superman where Lois Lane is on the airplane and it is between falling and rising and everything begins to float like it's in space. And all you can see is the one thing infront of you and you know that there is something really big going on but somehow all you can watch is the ballpoint pen float so close to your face.


I am there. I am watching the ball point pen.


I am missing the big picture today. Usually I can see the grand scheme, and realize that this nothingness, this no purpose, this pause is worth it.


But today I woke up missing so badly it doesnt feel worth it. It feels bad.


The pauses are the worst. the time that I have to look around and realize everything that isnt right, to realize that it will never be home. To realize that I will never be in that bed again, curled up, held- feeling that feeling that I cant say outloud.


I cant say any of it outloud because it will make it true.


I know that the plane will start to fall any second and this pause, where everything is floating will pass- and it will all happen so fast I wont be able to breathe- maybe just scream, or laugh.


But today, right now, in my lonliness and sadness and in my bed- all I can do is worry and pretend and cry.