baffled

so.

I have been steadily climbing out of the melancholy "I miss my husband" thing into a blind rage. I get ragier and ragier and I think today I hit the ceiling.


First of all let me give you a quote that really hit home today: "All my dreams came true. I just didn't think them through."




SO.

Last week my mom called me to figure out my money situation- I just turned 25, my insurance with the family is up, my car insurance is up my student loans are due... just everything. So we talked about it- made a plan. Are trying to be smart and savvy and not get me (or her) in the hole.

So today- I get a call from my husband (with whom I have been fighting with non-stop over the phone for two weeks, it is miserable) who tells me that he and my dad (MY DAD) called one another today to figure out the details for my insurance issues.

And I say, "Wait, what?"

And he says, "Your Dad asked me to put you on my insurance since he cant keep you on his. He wants me to claim you."

And I say, "Wait, wait- what?"

And he says, "Well, you have to change your name for me to claim you. I'm not going to go to my insurance guy and say, 'I need to add Kate Grady, she's my wife.' How is that going to seem? So, it's either that or you find your own insurance."




And I say, "WAIT. What?"


Now, maybe I lost it because it had been two weeks of fighting, and maybe I lost it because of the words he chose and maybe I lost it because it was HIGH TIME I FUCKING LOST IT.

But in any event, I did. Lose it.

I saw black. Now, most people when they get mad see red. Not me. I see black. It is like I am going to erupt with vicious words and punches.

Instead, I think I was clenching my hands so hard I cut myself with my fingernails.


First of all:

a) what are you THINKING calling my FATHER to plan my life for me in any aspect? ANY?!?! What is this? The middle ages? Were you also going to ask for my dowry of six chickens and a plot of farm land? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT!!!!!

b) I know 'Claim' is a term people use for taxes and finances and shit... but no. The way he used it, he meant it in the cave-man way. "YOU, WIFE. ME, CLAIM YOU. UGH."

c) Changing my name has been an argument for some time. You see, I am perfectly okay with women changing their names. I think it is a lovely sign of solidarity, of making your lives into one family... etc. etc. At first in October I was all psyched to change it. I was ready to be a team! Yeah! Team Cadenas. Five months into the marriage and it's a different story.


(Here is a little background so I don't sound like a crazy person.)

Sept: Get married! Yeah!
Oct: Honeymoon! Yeah!
November: Move to LA! Ye- wait. What? Jimmy isn't coming? Jimmy wants to wait another two years? Where did this come from? Wait wait wait!!!
December: I am in LA. Jimmy is in Dallas. Jimmy isn't ready to come unless I am making the big bucks.
January: I am still alone here. Jimmy thinks it may be a year before he comes.


now... I WAS really excited to be a part of US, a part of the duo... now that the 'Coming to LA' date is set back further and further for him... I just feel like changing my name before he comes is like a dog pissing on a tree. It is more like he is marking his territory than it actually meaning anything real.

If I changed it now I would resent it. If I change it when he comes I would feel it was a show of my love.

Maybe that's selfish or something, I honestly don't know.

Now, we have had this fight/talk about the name thing for WEEKS... and he finally got my point as of Sunday night- which was a very short lived understanding.

Now he has given me an ultimatum,

"I have to put my foot down somewhere, Kate. I love you, but I'm not giving you the perks of being married until you have my name."



Seriously?

No, really. Seriously?





Thankfully I kept my cool enough to shut my mouth on the phone and just wait until he was done talking, said goodbye, and hung up.












I am losing my shit here, people. LOSING MY SHIT.

I feel like someone took a baseball bat to my head and just kept wailing on me. I cant see clearly enough to act rationally. I cant figure out how I feel. Betrayed? Abused? Guilty? Angry? Manipulated? I am a jumble and I am a mess and I am seriously seriously seriously... something that has no defined word.

I have never felt this way in my life. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.






I am self medicating with Beny&Jerry's and Pride & Prejudice. Lot's of &'s tonight.


_______________________________________

UPDATE:

Jimmy called, apologized profusely and then said,

"I just wanted to take the opportunity to put a little more pressure on you about it, I guess. You can still be added to my insurance."


Um... what a fucking jackass. How does one simultaneously want to punch someone in the face and hug the shit out of them?



Seriously, are men all idiots by choice? Are we flawed on the most basic level to be able to love them anyway?