This week I am determined to cleanse myself of all these negative feelings and dark clouds above my head. I refuse to go down that unhappy path again.
1-9. Relax, take it one step at a time.
10. Scrub.
11. Lather.
12. Rinse.
13. No repeat necissary.
Maybe my family wont understand, maybe they will. Maybe my friends will get it and maybe they wont. I dont care anymore.
I love them all and I know what is best for me in life.
I just hope I have the guts to stand up for Kate when I need it most.
2/23/09
2/18/09
shot
This past weekend we shot the pilot episode for our webisode series.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
It KICKED ASS.
This show is going to be something worth watching, worth being a part of and honestly, is the first project I've ever shot/worked on/been a part of that I feel this way about.
I knew "We Could Get It For You Wholesale" was great- in retrospect it was amazing. At the time I felt unsatisified, I wish I'd had more time to be OCD about it and really make it mine... but it won a couple awards and made me feel nice a snuggly warm on the inside about how good I am at what I do.
"Penny P.I." is everything I could have wanted. Yes, it's kitchy, it's light hearted, it's popcorn and hot chocolate... but it's perfect just how it is.
I cannot wait until this episode is edited, I cant wait until we start Pre-pro on the next. I am on a high like never before and I just want to stop my life and revel in it like a cat in a patch of sunshine.
I only wish everyone had something in their life that fulfilled them the way this does for me. I wish everyone knew what living can really FEEL like.
Very serious discussion about the shot.
Cute logo I designed for the coffee shop.
Helen, our awesome DP doing a jig on her rig.
Working with the actor to spice up the scene... plus redbull.
Our cutie patootie lead actress noir'd out.
Our trio of actors ham-ing it up.
The final scene... Caitlin thinks it's funny.
I want to do this everyday.
pushed
I dont know anything about anything anymore.
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
These are some things I know.
1. We would not be a mess if you and I lived in the same place
2. It is nobody's fault that I am not in Los Angeles
3. I want to be in Los Angeles.
4. We are more alike then we realize.
5. If our marriage does not work, I will never truly be happy.
6. I am proud to be your husband, and I am proud you are my wife.
7. G.O.B. is our "play kid".
8. Whatever you do not trust about me, is unfounded.
9. You are the love of my life.
10. We deserve better from life.
11. I am going to get better things from life, for us.
12. I am not needy, just stuck between a rock and a hard place.
13. Your brother and I are very close.
14. We need to have sex, with each other.
15. We need to see each other in the same room.
We need to talk this stupid fight out, I slept like crap last night, but that is not the only reason why. I do not love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Jimmy
These are some things that I know:
1. I love you.
2. Love doesn't fix anything.
3. My love for you is forever.
4. If we saw each other on neutral territory that would be great.
5. If you came to LA I'm afraid it will be your Dallas.
6. I want you to be happy.
7. I wish you knew what would make you really, truly, honestly happy.
8. I am angry with you for telling me things I want to hear instead of being honest with me all the time.
9. I am hurt by you.
10. No matter how hard I try, I cant make you want the same things.
11. The thought of having sex with you right now is trumped by the thought of just holding your hand.
12. I don't know how to fix this for both of us.
13. When I tell you I have to get off the phone, I mean it. Right then. It is not an offence to you.
14. I want to take GOB to the ocean.
15. I am at the end of my rope.
We do need to talk, maybe via e-mail is best.
Kate
I'm just worn out. Worn out, cried out, worried out... what happens after that when you feel nothing? What do you do with a void?
2/6/09
pranked
Today was the first day in a month long temp. assignment. My day went like this:
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
6:00am, Alarm goes off. Ignore.
6:15am, Begrudgingly rise and shine. Groggy with hair that is sprigging in every direction from going to bed with hair wet. No time to shower again.
6:30am, Dressed, make-up'd, trying to fix hair into some semblance of non-crazy.
7:00am, Drink glass of Coke for breakfast. Hair straightener is still not hot. No time! Fuck hair! Put in ponytail. Remove Ponytail. Try bun. Remove bun. Try half up. Whatever. Must Leave.
7:15am, Step outside, is pouring rain. Am wearing peep toed shoes. Feet are wet and cold.
7:17am, Forgot car has large piece of wood in it for set building on Saturday. Am very squished in my seat.
7:20am, On 405 going 5mph, La does not understand water coming from the sky. How? Is this the Apocalypse? Must resist road rage.
7:35am, On 405. See hair in rear view mirror. Look like Carrot Top.
7:50am, On 405. Realize did not put on deodorant, but heater in the car has finally warmed me. Too much. Damn. Search for shirt under car seat. Find old sweater.
8:00am, Debate changing shirt in stopped traffic. Decide I don't smell enough to warrant shirt change in public. Look in rear view mirror. Not wearing mascara. Search one handed while driving for stick in purse. Find: Lipstick (why? not mine.), 3 lip glosses, 1 chap stick, 1 tampon, 1 highlighter, 2 pens, a paint stir stick and (finally) mascara stick. Am my mother.
8:10am, Pull of 405 and bolt down Sepulveda Canyon.
8:15am, Am at correct address... on the wrong street.
8:16am, Call Jimmy for long-distance google help.
8:22am, Pull into office parking structure. Apply found mascara. Pull hair into messy-hopefully-chic-unrained-bun looking style.
8:25am, Stand in cold parking lot to air out from warm car. Hope I don't stink. Nose is too cold to smell-self.
8:30am, Walk into job with confidence.
8:31am, Am told by (new boss?) woman that the Temp Agency gave me the wrong time to arrive. Am supposed to be here at 9am. "Go grab a cup of coffee- it's two or three blocks down the street. We'll see you at nine." Woman must be crazy and not know it's raining.
8:32am, Woman hands me a company logo'd umbrella.
8:35am, Feet are cold. Hair is nuts. Windy, rainy and grumpy.
8:40am, mmmm, coffee. Only two blocks. LONG blocks... worth it.
8:45am, Watch homeless man eat a loaf of bread.
8:50am, Walk back to office.
9:00am, Am given tour of building by woman I am replacing for month.(Danijela)
9:15am, Am shown into empty cubicle. Told to wait until she is less busy to show me the ropes.
9:20am, Computer doesn't work without password.
9:30am, Get up guts to ask for password. Am told she doesn't have one for me. Wait.
10:00am, Bored. Feet still cold. Coffee is gone. Empty cube is really... empty.
10:10am, Search drawers of desk for something interesting. Find old post it note with scribbles. Try to imagine who wrote it. Am bored with my lack of imagination.
10:40am, Danijela (girl am replacing) apologizes for waiting, "I am so busy"- said in thick Germanic accent.
10:45am, Shown how to order supplies online from grocery store... step by step. Then am given typed up list of steps we just went over.
11:00am, Am shown how to e-mail staff announcement that catered lunch is served. (Fill out e-mail box, attach "All Staff" to recipient field, hit send.)
11:15am, Eat lunch with new co-workers, am awkwardly grilled. Enjoy the hummus... although is consistency of baby barf.
11:30am, Sit and listen to new co-workers gossip. Try to catch names of people they are talking about. Nothing salacious.
11:35am, Back in cubicle.
Noon: Ask if there is anything I can do. Am told no, just 'hang out'.
1:00pm, Am bewildered by this.
2:00pm, ...No. Seriously.
2:30pm, Start reading Best of Craigslist on my phone.
3:00pm, Is this a hidden camera show? Some sort of twisted social experiment? Are there people watching me from the blank computer screen documenting my annoyance and confusion?
3:15pm, Danijela retrieves me, runs through her daily tasks, shows me in excruciating detail how to replace paper towel roles in the Kitchenette.
3:25pm, Danijela leaves. Telling me not to stress or feel pressured by the job.
4:00pm, Still mentally debating if she was kidding.
4:10pm, FINALLY HAVE COMPUTER. Begin blog about absurd day. (Almost six hours of doing nothing. Must be a sick joke. Has Ashton Kutcher confused me with someone famous?)
Tasks left to me by Ms.Danijela:
-Put stamps on mail and put in mailbox
-Order groceries every Friday
-Distribute mail into mailboxes at 1:00 every afternoon
-Put daily newspapers into recycle bin at end of day
-Answer phone for CEO if his assistant has to go to the bathroom. ("If that's too stressful, you can let it go to voicemail.")
-Refill Candy Bowl at end of every day
-Make sure lunch-alert e-mails are sent on Tuesdays and Fridays.
4:15pm, Feel paranoid. Is this some kind of joke? Are they really paying me (pretty well, actually) to just sit here and NOT fall asleep? Not sure if this is torture...
4:16pm, Wish I had more to write. Trying to stave off insanity. Hair is semi-tamed and almost on-purpose looking.
4:20pm, Started raining outside again. Dread leaving & cant wait to leave. Need to get perspective, feeling (oddly)watched.
4:22pm, What exactly am I being paid to DO?
4:23pm, CEO just walked by and smiled. What does he know that I dont?
4:24pm, Am given task of putting paper up in empty office to cover windows?
4:35pm, No butcher paper can be found. Am given old christmas wrapping paper.
4:45pm, Using wrapping paper on large windows is harder than you would think. Am unsure why this is necissary.
5:00pm, Finish wrapping windows. This must be a paractical joke.
5:05pm, Am told office belongs to a woman who is coming back from maternity leave. She needs something to cover the windows because she needs to pump milk. Atleast the window covering is festive.
5:10pm, Boss is concerned woman will still be unhappy about windows not being covered enough. Wrapping paper may have to come down and curtains bought. Am told I will be kept updated. This place is wierd. Re-filled candy bowl.
6:00pm,I just watched a co-worker dig through the trash to retrieve food from lunch. He thought it was a waste to have thrown it out. I am going home. Wierdest day, ever.
2/4/09
simplified
I decided to simplify my layout and maybe my life.
I think I realized that all grief goes through the same cycle.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
My personal grief has three other delightful stages as well: Guilt, Drowning in Alcohol and Eating.
I just want things to be simple. They don't have to be easy... but it would be a great help if life were less complex about somethings.
I know what is right to do for me. I know what is right to morally. I know what is right to do that will not damage anyone else.
How do you pick between three equally important things?
Do you choose self and know you are ultimately that selfish?
Do you choose morals and know that you are that afraid of what being immoral might be?
Do you choose to not hurt anyone else and know that you are a masochist?
Good grief, indeed, Charlie Brown.
I know what I am going to do, should do, want to do... but grief comes with all that, too.
Simple would be nice.
A nice simple bowl of soup would suit me just fine right about now.
I think I realized that all grief goes through the same cycle.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
My personal grief has three other delightful stages as well: Guilt, Drowning in Alcohol and Eating.
I just want things to be simple. They don't have to be easy... but it would be a great help if life were less complex about somethings.
I know what is right to do for me. I know what is right to morally. I know what is right to do that will not damage anyone else.
How do you pick between three equally important things?
Do you choose self and know you are ultimately that selfish?
Do you choose morals and know that you are that afraid of what being immoral might be?
Do you choose to not hurt anyone else and know that you are a masochist?
Good grief, indeed, Charlie Brown.
I know what I am going to do, should do, want to do... but grief comes with all that, too.
Simple would be nice.
A nice simple bowl of soup would suit me just fine right about now.
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