Dear 2009 Kate,
I was going to tell you all these things to be and do this year...
Instead I just wanted to tell you that I think you're funny, and honestly it's all going to be okay.
Let's do better this year.
Love,
Kate 2008
12/31/08
12/30/08
reviewed
2008: A Wintry Year
We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
- Anonymous
This has been quite the year. For my own benefit I will now recount the past twelve months with their highlights, lowlights and the people I'd like to thank:
Jan 2008:
This may be labeled the worst month of my personal history. I was one unhappy chick-a-dee.
Highlight, Start of the Year of Jimmy & Kate
Lowlight, Depressed and Sick - moved home with parents
Thank you Mom and Dad. I mean no offense to your parents, but mine are super heroes.
February 2008:
Feb. is always a dark month, it's the gloomiest weather wise and Spring seemed so far away... but I found wonder and awe with a little nudge from the people I love.
Highlight, Doctors started to help
Lowlight, Felt lost
Thank you Sara and Tom. My siblings are my best friends and biggest supporters. (and vice versa)
March 2008:
This month was all about Kate.
Highlight, Brother is there to lean on
Lowlight, No longer sure what is best for my life
Thank you Tom. I cant even put into words how words how grateful and amazed by him I am.
April 2008:
I got lit from within. I found my spark and my spunk and my happy place.... which was not in Texas, it was in me.
Highlight, Kate is back!
Lowlight, Moved back to Texas
Thank you Dr. Wycoff. This man works miracles and makes your body work together as a whole instead of fighting itself on a hundred different playing fields he makes the whole gang a team.
May 2008:
When I didn't have a job all I wanted was to be working- I was so happy to have a job! Then I realized that I was suddenly a pre-school teacher and had to change diapers everyday... but I loved my kids. I miss them, actually.
Highlight, Have Job
Lowlight, Job is at a Preschool
Thank you Quita, Caitlyn & Sloan. My co-teacher & friend and two little girls in my class that made everyday sunnier.
June 2008:
This month sped by. All I know is that I was working insane hours, eating healthy, working out, spending time with Jimmy, Tom and Gob- We put wedding planning on the back burner.
Highlight, Love the kids at work
Lowlight, Hate my job & Dallas is Balls Hot
Thanks to my car (Je t'aime) who was a trooper carting me an hour each way to work everyday and keeping me company.
July 2008:
This month started off nicely- straight to Chicago, getting to see the people I love and friends I missed and the city that holds so much magic... all it was missing was my sister. Then the next three weeks were a flurry of fighting with vendors, my mother, Nancy, Jimmy, Tom, Work, Myself - over everything and anything. Tensions were high... but we were gliding.
Highlight, Chicago for 4th of July & Wedding Shower
Lowlight, Wedding planning & fighting
Thanks to my Sister and Reecee who made things easier for me, for being the calm amidst the wedding storm.
August 2008:
The wedding planning was less hairy, more concrete- but it still felt like it wasn't going to happen. I was alone doing a bunch of work, getting my dress and my shoes and everything and it felt lonely. (I sound like a whiner, but it's the truth. I was lonely)
Highlight, My dress is gorgeous
Lowlight, Am broke
Thanks to GOB for keeping me sane.
September 2008:
Started off insane. Busy. Planning and saving and working and stressing and ended with sighs of contentment and smiles and hugs and love and everything nice.
(Sara and Tom's faces are amazing in this picture. I wish they were clearer for you to see their smiles)
Highlight, Get Married & Quit Job
Lowlight, Am EXTRA broke
Thanks to Jimmy for taking me as I am and letting me in.
October 2008:
Seeing the east coast in the fall has always been a dream of mine and I got to do it. We got to see the leaves and taste the chowder and feel the ocean breeze. Besides one rocky stormy night on the water it was lovely and serene and full.
Then we went and stayed at my newly minted in laws for eight days of sheer will power and plastic smiles. Four days is for SURE my max capacity for relatives/friends who are not close to me to share my personal space, or vice versa. Found out how selfish I really am.
Highlight, Honeymoon on East Coast (Cruise)
Lowlight, Have to start a real life
Thanks to Julian for being a seriously wonderful teenager.
November 2008:
Upon return to Dallas mid-Oct. I had no job, I packed our apartment for the move to LA and Jimmy and I hit a wall we've yet to get over.
Our entire goal for living Dallas had been that we both get jobs we love. After more than a year in Dallas I still hadn't found anything and with Jimmy hating his job- we agreed that after the wedding we would move to LA and make it.
We would just go. Once we got back from the Honeymoon and I was following through on the plans we'd made Jimmy and I hit a disagreement about Theory and Practice that we have yet to solve. Hence me moving to LA in November to get a job that could support us both and Jimmy staying and living on my brothers couch...
And here is where the dilema lies. He really doesnt mean the big talk, I do. He really wants a traditional life, I dont. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home, so do I. I want to go to bars and restaraunts and have friends, he doesnt. He wants to have kids NOW, I dont. He wants his parents to be very involved in our personal life, I DONT. I want Jimmy to be nicer, he wants me to be cattier. I want to be able maintain my guy friends, Jimmy wants them axed from my life. I want Jimmy to have friends, he wants me to be his only friend. I want adventure. He wants a couch.
His idea:
My idea:
I know we can do this. But right now it's hard. Being so far apart and so divided and still loving one another but wanting the other to be happy with what we want... I want him to want adventure (in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell...) and success and have drive. He wants to me to want safety and security and compromise.
Sometimes me and him cant breech the distance between us even when we're in the same room.
I think I'll always be too young to settle for something that isn't extraordinary. I want an extraordinary life, and that's not me being selfish, or mean, or unmovable. That's me having found my voice and not losing it in trying to please everyone else. Not trying to please anyone, but trying to feed that spark inside of me that wants to turn into fireworks.
Highlight, Move to LA & am HAPPY!
Lowlight, Am most unconventional and worst wife ever
Thanks to Kendra and Tom- who support even my craziest crazy.
December 2008:
Working consistently, hired to do production design for a movie in March, made good decisions, made bad decisions, re-connected with old friends, felt alive, started hiking again, touched the ocean again, ate In & Out again... It's been a good month. Besides Jimmy not being here... I am happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
Highlight, Temping in LA & Turning 25
Lowlight, Feel guilty for being happy, husband still in Dallas
Thanks opportunity. Thanks Family, Thanks Friends, Thanks World.
I'll do right by you.
Prediction:
2009, A Sunny Year
Pleasantly, between the pelting showers, the sunshine gushes down.
- William Cullen Bryant
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Happy New Year.
Outlook is good.
We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring;
And the woods must be cold and silent
Before the robins sing.
The flowers must be buried in darkness
Before they an bud and bloom,
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom.
- Anonymous
This has been quite the year. For my own benefit I will now recount the past twelve months with their highlights, lowlights and the people I'd like to thank:
Jan 2008:
This may be labeled the worst month of my personal history. I was one unhappy chick-a-dee.
Highlight, Start of the Year of Jimmy & Kate
Lowlight, Depressed and Sick - moved home with parents
Thank you Mom and Dad. I mean no offense to your parents, but mine are super heroes.
February 2008:
Feb. is always a dark month, it's the gloomiest weather wise and Spring seemed so far away... but I found wonder and awe with a little nudge from the people I love.
Highlight, Doctors started to help
Lowlight, Felt lost
Thank you Sara and Tom. My siblings are my best friends and biggest supporters. (and vice versa)
March 2008:
This month was all about Kate.
Highlight, Brother is there to lean on
Lowlight, No longer sure what is best for my life
Thank you Tom. I cant even put into words how words how grateful and amazed by him I am.
April 2008:
I got lit from within. I found my spark and my spunk and my happy place.... which was not in Texas, it was in me.
Highlight, Kate is back!
Lowlight, Moved back to Texas
Thank you Dr. Wycoff. This man works miracles and makes your body work together as a whole instead of fighting itself on a hundred different playing fields he makes the whole gang a team.
May 2008:
When I didn't have a job all I wanted was to be working- I was so happy to have a job! Then I realized that I was suddenly a pre-school teacher and had to change diapers everyday... but I loved my kids. I miss them, actually.
Highlight, Have Job
Lowlight, Job is at a Preschool
Thank you Quita, Caitlyn & Sloan. My co-teacher & friend and two little girls in my class that made everyday sunnier.
June 2008:
This month sped by. All I know is that I was working insane hours, eating healthy, working out, spending time with Jimmy, Tom and Gob- We put wedding planning on the back burner.
Highlight, Love the kids at work
Lowlight, Hate my job & Dallas is Balls Hot
Thanks to my car (Je t'aime) who was a trooper carting me an hour each way to work everyday and keeping me company.
July 2008:
This month started off nicely- straight to Chicago, getting to see the people I love and friends I missed and the city that holds so much magic... all it was missing was my sister. Then the next three weeks were a flurry of fighting with vendors, my mother, Nancy, Jimmy, Tom, Work, Myself - over everything and anything. Tensions were high... but we were gliding.
Highlight, Chicago for 4th of July & Wedding Shower
Lowlight, Wedding planning & fighting
Thanks to my Sister and Reecee who made things easier for me, for being the calm amidst the wedding storm.
August 2008:
The wedding planning was less hairy, more concrete- but it still felt like it wasn't going to happen. I was alone doing a bunch of work, getting my dress and my shoes and everything and it felt lonely. (I sound like a whiner, but it's the truth. I was lonely)
Highlight, My dress is gorgeous
Lowlight, Am broke
Thanks to GOB for keeping me sane.
September 2008:
Started off insane. Busy. Planning and saving and working and stressing and ended with sighs of contentment and smiles and hugs and love and everything nice.
(Sara and Tom's faces are amazing in this picture. I wish they were clearer for you to see their smiles)
Highlight, Get Married & Quit Job
Lowlight, Am EXTRA broke
Thanks to Jimmy for taking me as I am and letting me in.
October 2008:
Seeing the east coast in the fall has always been a dream of mine and I got to do it. We got to see the leaves and taste the chowder and feel the ocean breeze. Besides one rocky stormy night on the water it was lovely and serene and full.
Then we went and stayed at my newly minted in laws for eight days of sheer will power and plastic smiles. Four days is for SURE my max capacity for relatives/friends who are not close to me to share my personal space, or vice versa. Found out how selfish I really am.
Highlight, Honeymoon on East Coast (Cruise)
Lowlight, Have to start a real life
Thanks to Julian for being a seriously wonderful teenager.
November 2008:
Upon return to Dallas mid-Oct. I had no job, I packed our apartment for the move to LA and Jimmy and I hit a wall we've yet to get over.
Our entire goal for living Dallas had been that we both get jobs we love. After more than a year in Dallas I still hadn't found anything and with Jimmy hating his job- we agreed that after the wedding we would move to LA and make it.
We would just go. Once we got back from the Honeymoon and I was following through on the plans we'd made Jimmy and I hit a disagreement about Theory and Practice that we have yet to solve. Hence me moving to LA in November to get a job that could support us both and Jimmy staying and living on my brothers couch...
And here is where the dilema lies. He really doesnt mean the big talk, I do. He really wants a traditional life, I dont. He wants dinner on the table when he gets home, so do I. I want to go to bars and restaraunts and have friends, he doesnt. He wants to have kids NOW, I dont. He wants his parents to be very involved in our personal life, I DONT. I want Jimmy to be nicer, he wants me to be cattier. I want to be able maintain my guy friends, Jimmy wants them axed from my life. I want Jimmy to have friends, he wants me to be his only friend. I want adventure. He wants a couch.
His idea:
My idea:
I know we can do this. But right now it's hard. Being so far apart and so divided and still loving one another but wanting the other to be happy with what we want... I want him to want adventure (in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell...) and success and have drive. He wants to me to want safety and security and compromise.
Sometimes me and him cant breech the distance between us even when we're in the same room.
I think I'll always be too young to settle for something that isn't extraordinary. I want an extraordinary life, and that's not me being selfish, or mean, or unmovable. That's me having found my voice and not losing it in trying to please everyone else. Not trying to please anyone, but trying to feed that spark inside of me that wants to turn into fireworks.
Highlight, Move to LA & am HAPPY!
Lowlight, Am most unconventional and worst wife ever
Thanks to Kendra and Tom- who support even my craziest crazy.
December 2008:
Working consistently, hired to do production design for a movie in March, made good decisions, made bad decisions, re-connected with old friends, felt alive, started hiking again, touched the ocean again, ate In & Out again... It's been a good month. Besides Jimmy not being here... I am happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
Highlight, Temping in LA & Turning 25
Lowlight, Feel guilty for being happy, husband still in Dallas
Thanks opportunity. Thanks Family, Thanks Friends, Thanks World.
I'll do right by you.
Prediction:
2009, A Sunny Year
Pleasantly, between the pelting showers, the sunshine gushes down.
- William Cullen Bryant
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Happy New Year.
Outlook is good.
12/17/08
bested
Photostrips are my favorite way to save memories.
Sometimes it's really nice to have a best friend. Sometimes it's the only thing between you and crazy.
Love,
Kate
Sometimes it's really nice to have a best friend. Sometimes it's the only thing between you and crazy.
Love,
Kate
12/13/08
twenty-fived
Today I turn 25.
This is me now. This is me happy. This is me with a bright future. I am lit from within. I am.
That's enough for me. I'm proud of myself- looking back at last years birthday- I just have moved so far from that person and that hole I was in... I've got out of my deepest spot and have moved into the sunshine. I am filled with such delirious joy.
Happy Birthday, Kate! Remember how this feels.
Love,
Kate
This is me now. This is me happy. This is me with a bright future. I am lit from within. I am.
That's enough for me. I'm proud of myself- looking back at last years birthday- I just have moved so far from that person and that hole I was in... I've got out of my deepest spot and have moved into the sunshine. I am filled with such delirious joy.
Happy Birthday, Kate! Remember how this feels.
Love,
Kate
12/4/08
temped
I am currently working as a Temp in LA...
Today is my first job assignment and I am really enjoying moments of it- but mostly it is terrible small talk, an uncomfortable chair and lots of stapling.
Once my employer of the day realized I'm not an idiot- they let me just do what I want. I finished all the work before lunch and now have been surfing the web for the past four hours of my eight hour day...
kind of like being jobless- only I get paid $12 bucks and hour to do it. (Pay scale is job dependent and this being my first I start low- but they say you make around 15 - 17/hr on most jobs... I got the bottom of the bucket job because I'm new.)
I got to talk to a sweet old lady on the phone.... EIGHT TIMES.
I organized an annual board meeting (why then needed a temp today) and she is one of the board members.
She told me many things about herself. She likes to read. She is impatient. She had a cold or flu last week- she's not sure. Fever, chills and aches, which does that make it? (Old age?) She went swimming this morning, it was very relaxing. She wants to know who else is going to be there. She is on her way to get her hair done, after swimming she either needs a hat or a hair do and she doesn't have any nice hats for the occasion. She is going to order food for herself at the meeting. She called me a peach. (I love that endearment)
Temp work is better than no work. $12/hr is better than no $$ and hour. An uncomfortable chair is better than no chair.
I've got nothing to say about the stapling, though... it's a boring job and I could never staple something again and be happy. (And then when I'm on my deathbed I'll get to say something like, 'The stapler...')
Today is my first job assignment and I am really enjoying moments of it- but mostly it is terrible small talk, an uncomfortable chair and lots of stapling.
Once my employer of the day realized I'm not an idiot- they let me just do what I want. I finished all the work before lunch and now have been surfing the web for the past four hours of my eight hour day...
kind of like being jobless- only I get paid $12 bucks and hour to do it. (Pay scale is job dependent and this being my first I start low- but they say you make around 15 - 17/hr on most jobs... I got the bottom of the bucket job because I'm new.)
I got to talk to a sweet old lady on the phone.... EIGHT TIMES.
I organized an annual board meeting (why then needed a temp today) and she is one of the board members.
She told me many things about herself. She likes to read. She is impatient. She had a cold or flu last week- she's not sure. Fever, chills and aches, which does that make it? (Old age?) She went swimming this morning, it was very relaxing. She wants to know who else is going to be there. She is on her way to get her hair done, after swimming she either needs a hat or a hair do and she doesn't have any nice hats for the occasion. She is going to order food for herself at the meeting. She called me a peach. (I love that endearment)
Temp work is better than no work. $12/hr is better than no $$ and hour. An uncomfortable chair is better than no chair.
I've got nothing to say about the stapling, though... it's a boring job and I could never staple something again and be happy. (And then when I'm on my deathbed I'll get to say something like, 'The stapler...')
11/21/08
decided
I've decided to live for me. To live without regret. To live without worry. To live in the here and the now and the Kate.
I will be turning 25 in a two weeks. My life is a quarter (give or take) over, and I'm just learning all these things about the world and how I fit into that puzzle.
I love people. I love freely and openly and warmly- and it gets me hurt sometimes and gets others hurt sometimes too.
I hurt people with my words and sometimes my actions. Some hurt is worse than others. I easily forgive myself and never make the same mistake twice.
I am terrible with money. I need to be rich.
I disregard the bad in people and things- sure the bad stinks and I can complain about it- but I believe people are better.
I dont believe in fate, or destiny- I believe in choice- that every minute choice compounds into your whole life into a trail of infinite decisions.
I know that I can be better- I have let myself go before- let my carelessness rule me- and I know that I am better than that.
I dont have regrets- I think that anything you regret is a waste of time- make a change, make a choice, if it's not right start again.
I love being in this body- all my life I have thought something wasnt quite right about me- but it is!! I am perfect, and I almost missed it.
I need to live near my friends and or family. I love them, I need support, I need fun, I need connections to others.
I am compassionate and I almost feel other peoples emotions stronger than my own. Why you cry, I cant help it either.
I like to get my way, but mostly only after I have to fight for it.
My job defines me for me, my success makes me feel like I'm making my life worth something.
I know that when I am jobless my life isnt worthless, but feel like I need to be working to really FEEL it.
I love singing and it is something I'm going to do all the time for me.
I am a woman. I am working on being the best me possible.
I love working, I love to accomplish things. I love to be in motion.
When I stop moving I feel lost.
I am bad at keeping secrets.
That sums me up. 25 years in the making and that's what I'd got.
I will be turning 25 in a two weeks. My life is a quarter (give or take) over, and I'm just learning all these things about the world and how I fit into that puzzle.
I love people. I love freely and openly and warmly- and it gets me hurt sometimes and gets others hurt sometimes too.
I hurt people with my words and sometimes my actions. Some hurt is worse than others. I easily forgive myself and never make the same mistake twice.
I am terrible with money. I need to be rich.
I disregard the bad in people and things- sure the bad stinks and I can complain about it- but I believe people are better.
I dont believe in fate, or destiny- I believe in choice- that every minute choice compounds into your whole life into a trail of infinite decisions.
I know that I can be better- I have let myself go before- let my carelessness rule me- and I know that I am better than that.
I dont have regrets- I think that anything you regret is a waste of time- make a change, make a choice, if it's not right start again.
I love being in this body- all my life I have thought something wasnt quite right about me- but it is!! I am perfect, and I almost missed it.
I need to live near my friends and or family. I love them, I need support, I need fun, I need connections to others.
I am compassionate and I almost feel other peoples emotions stronger than my own. Why you cry, I cant help it either.
I like to get my way, but mostly only after I have to fight for it.
My job defines me for me, my success makes me feel like I'm making my life worth something.
I know that when I am jobless my life isnt worthless, but feel like I need to be working to really FEEL it.
I love singing and it is something I'm going to do all the time for me.
I am a woman. I am working on being the best me possible.
I love working, I love to accomplish things. I love to be in motion.
When I stop moving I feel lost.
I am bad at keeping secrets.
That sums me up. 25 years in the making and that's what I'd got.
11/17/08
drank
So, when I drink, apparently I DRINK.
Saturday night I got pretty crazy with the PBR. I have somewhere between ten and twelve drinks- which was maybe six or seven too many.
I remember most of the night, highlighted by trips to the photo booth with different people and inappropriate comments with my male comrades. Although I regret the amount I drank, I had a seriously good time.
It's really nice now and then to just let go and relax with friends. I've missed having friends while in Dallas... I miss Jimmy here in LA- but it's kind of a hopeful missing. I'm happy to be here working for our future and it's kind of exciting.
I'm sad that I've missed out on so much between my friends here while I lived in Dallas. It's pretty weird stepping back into this world where they've all been revolving and dancing around and I've moved into a different vantage point. It's hard to explain, but I love them and have missed them. Some things never change.
Anyway- so it was a pretty raucous night full of laughter and liquor and nonsense.
LA is like a drug that gives you a wicked high on fun and crazy- and then smacks you in the face with a mean hangover and a cold toilet bowl against your cheek.
Saturday night I got pretty crazy with the PBR. I have somewhere between ten and twelve drinks- which was maybe six or seven too many.
I remember most of the night, highlighted by trips to the photo booth with different people and inappropriate comments with my male comrades. Although I regret the amount I drank, I had a seriously good time.
It's really nice now and then to just let go and relax with friends. I've missed having friends while in Dallas... I miss Jimmy here in LA- but it's kind of a hopeful missing. I'm happy to be here working for our future and it's kind of exciting.
I'm sad that I've missed out on so much between my friends here while I lived in Dallas. It's pretty weird stepping back into this world where they've all been revolving and dancing around and I've moved into a different vantage point. It's hard to explain, but I love them and have missed them. Some things never change.
Anyway- so it was a pretty raucous night full of laughter and liquor and nonsense.
LA is like a drug that gives you a wicked high on fun and crazy- and then smacks you in the face with a mean hangover and a cold toilet bowl against your cheek.
11/5/08
burgered
My friend Joe bought me a burger today that was an inch from godliness. There was a wierd garlic sauce on it that is blamed for the inch.
Delicious.
Also, I would say to anyone that In and Out has the best burgers in the world.
Love,
Kate
Delicious.
Also, I would say to anyone that In and Out has the best burgers in the world.
Love,
Kate
hope and despair
This post is not like my other posts. I am not just 'not myself', I am emotionally divided. I am sliced to the core and split into two.
I have been crying all morning. One minute I am in the darkest corner of myself with worries and stress and the next I am elated and full of promise and hope.
Despair:
I am personally in a tough spot. Penniless, jobless and alone. Right now I have the clothes on my back, I have a couch I am crashing, I have a cup of coffee bought for me by a good friend... but beyond this minute. Beyond this day- I don't know where I will be, what I will eat, how I will pay for gas and laundry detergent. I am worried like I have never been.
As a college student and recent grad I have been poor. I have had tough weeks where you eat that last bit of cereal in the box and hear your stomach grumble all day. I have begged for change to get on the EL in Chicago. I have scrimped, I have gone hungry, I have gone without heat in the winter and without AC in the summer. I have spent money I did not have. I have cried many tears over lost jobs or opportunities- I have worked my way up from darkness and had many helping hands on the way.
In all those hard and gritty days of sleeping on a mattress on the floor or working three jobs, I always knew I was on the way somewhere. I knew I was on the path that was right for me. I had hope, I had warmth in that. I had so much more than I ever knew.
This is so different than that was. I don't feel like the young person I am. I feel like I've gone through my fair share of overdrawn bank accounts and sleepless nights of worry. I've taken so much charity from family and friends to help me get by. I feel like I should be better at this whole concept of life by now.
Today I am an adult. I am a woman with a husband and responsibilities. I shoulder half of our shared burden and then my own personal ball and chain that I refuse to lay upon Jimmy. Outside my bills and debt I've built up I have this enourmous amount owed to my parents, my debt to my brother, there is probably debt to my sister, too.
My family has absolved me of the debts I owe them, monetary or not, but I cant do that with a clear conscience. I owe them all so much, both Jimmy and I do, more than I can ever put into words or dollars, really. But their understanding relieves some of the weight. They know that if it takes me ten, twenty, fifty years to send them a final check on what I owe them, and all the favors in between I have to repay- I will. I am good for it.
I have lost the idea somewhere that my work has been worth it. I have this nightmare that I'm going to end up a real estate agent in a small town dreaming about the chances I took and regretting them.
I have worked so hard for my career for the chance of having a good one, waiting for it to pay off. It is such a roller coaster of wins and loss. I have been at the peak and reaped the benefits- paying every bill on time, having extra to save, being able to really make a dent. I have been at the mid point- making it by, not saving, but not scrimping either. And now I am under the waves clawing my way back up to the surface. I reek of desperation today. I can smell it on myself and everything I touch. And then I clear the surface and I take a deep breath and dive back in- trying to hold my breath longer this time without panicking.
In all honesty, I have worried myself into a corner and maybe done more damage with that than anything else tangible. Maybe I'll take that last lorazempam? I've saved it for months and months for the day I was too overwhelmed. It's been a nice security blanket.
Hope:
We have a new president. One I believe in with everything that I am. Whether that is desperation or optimism, I'm not sure. But I believe.
I keep crying about my low points and my worry and then I catch a part of an Obama speech, or read something about it- or hear the joy in Jimmy's voice when he talks about it. About change, about hope, about possibilities and I cry new tears that are jubilant.
My country is changing for the better. My opinions matter. My needs matter. My families needs matter. My choices matter.
I matter. Matter is such an ugly looking word but means so much more than it looks.
The problems I have with insane interest rates and ridiculous rent and taxes that kill- that may all change, and it may not. But the hope that it will get better- that doors that were closed and locked may open in my life is so beautiful.
I have possibilities. I have dreams. I have options. I have choice. I can have anything. I can have everything.
The feeling that builds up in me is like a hike for my soul. A walk in the dark of the forest uphill, trudging and dirty- but you know that up the next crest is the fresh cool air that opens onto the view of the ocean and the mountains. It is a soaring feeling. A feeling that defies everything you've ever been told, every 'no' thrown at you, every loss, every worry, every burden is lightened and seen in a new shiny light.
It is a light full of answers and solutions and options. It is hope. It wants to burst out of me and tackle everything in its path it sun and warmth and a crispness that feels like clean laundry and warm socks.
I am so humiliated and crushed by life at the moment.
I am so awed and inspired by life at the moment.
I am probably certifiably crazy at the moment.
Obviously I am split in two. I am in the depths and the shallows. I want to throw myself into the hope and hang on and thrill in it... but the dark corners lure me away with sorrows and self pity.
*big calming sigh* Today just just the most overwhelming things in totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I don't think my body can contain it- so I end up crying like a lunatic, smiling through tears one moment and covering my face with my hands the next.
I want to believe in everything. I want to grow and spread and be.
I think I'll do just that. I think I'll aim in that direction and tread the best I can.
How come I'm so good under pressure in my work, but when it comes to my life I'm crushed like a bug? Did I use up my karmic share? How come when I'm overwhelmed words bubble out of me like a water from a faucet?
I've stopped crying now. I feel... not better- but quelled. I love that word. I want a burger and a big diet coke. Instead I'm going to eat vitamins and finish this coffee Kendra bought me and pretend that it's the lunch I've envisioned... I'll even throw in some imaginary french fries. You cant be allergic to imaginary potatoes. ha! Take that world.
I have been crying all morning. One minute I am in the darkest corner of myself with worries and stress and the next I am elated and full of promise and hope.
Despair:
I am personally in a tough spot. Penniless, jobless and alone. Right now I have the clothes on my back, I have a couch I am crashing, I have a cup of coffee bought for me by a good friend... but beyond this minute. Beyond this day- I don't know where I will be, what I will eat, how I will pay for gas and laundry detergent. I am worried like I have never been.
As a college student and recent grad I have been poor. I have had tough weeks where you eat that last bit of cereal in the box and hear your stomach grumble all day. I have begged for change to get on the EL in Chicago. I have scrimped, I have gone hungry, I have gone without heat in the winter and without AC in the summer. I have spent money I did not have. I have cried many tears over lost jobs or opportunities- I have worked my way up from darkness and had many helping hands on the way.
In all those hard and gritty days of sleeping on a mattress on the floor or working three jobs, I always knew I was on the way somewhere. I knew I was on the path that was right for me. I had hope, I had warmth in that. I had so much more than I ever knew.
This is so different than that was. I don't feel like the young person I am. I feel like I've gone through my fair share of overdrawn bank accounts and sleepless nights of worry. I've taken so much charity from family and friends to help me get by. I feel like I should be better at this whole concept of life by now.
Today I am an adult. I am a woman with a husband and responsibilities. I shoulder half of our shared burden and then my own personal ball and chain that I refuse to lay upon Jimmy. Outside my bills and debt I've built up I have this enourmous amount owed to my parents, my debt to my brother, there is probably debt to my sister, too.
My family has absolved me of the debts I owe them, monetary or not, but I cant do that with a clear conscience. I owe them all so much, both Jimmy and I do, more than I can ever put into words or dollars, really. But their understanding relieves some of the weight. They know that if it takes me ten, twenty, fifty years to send them a final check on what I owe them, and all the favors in between I have to repay- I will. I am good for it.
I have lost the idea somewhere that my work has been worth it. I have this nightmare that I'm going to end up a real estate agent in a small town dreaming about the chances I took and regretting them.
I have worked so hard for my career for the chance of having a good one, waiting for it to pay off. It is such a roller coaster of wins and loss. I have been at the peak and reaped the benefits- paying every bill on time, having extra to save, being able to really make a dent. I have been at the mid point- making it by, not saving, but not scrimping either. And now I am under the waves clawing my way back up to the surface. I reek of desperation today. I can smell it on myself and everything I touch. And then I clear the surface and I take a deep breath and dive back in- trying to hold my breath longer this time without panicking.
In all honesty, I have worried myself into a corner and maybe done more damage with that than anything else tangible. Maybe I'll take that last lorazempam? I've saved it for months and months for the day I was too overwhelmed. It's been a nice security blanket.
Hope:
We have a new president. One I believe in with everything that I am. Whether that is desperation or optimism, I'm not sure. But I believe.
I keep crying about my low points and my worry and then I catch a part of an Obama speech, or read something about it- or hear the joy in Jimmy's voice when he talks about it. About change, about hope, about possibilities and I cry new tears that are jubilant.
My country is changing for the better. My opinions matter. My needs matter. My families needs matter. My choices matter.
I matter. Matter is such an ugly looking word but means so much more than it looks.
The problems I have with insane interest rates and ridiculous rent and taxes that kill- that may all change, and it may not. But the hope that it will get better- that doors that were closed and locked may open in my life is so beautiful.
I have possibilities. I have dreams. I have options. I have choice. I can have anything. I can have everything.
The feeling that builds up in me is like a hike for my soul. A walk in the dark of the forest uphill, trudging and dirty- but you know that up the next crest is the fresh cool air that opens onto the view of the ocean and the mountains. It is a soaring feeling. A feeling that defies everything you've ever been told, every 'no' thrown at you, every loss, every worry, every burden is lightened and seen in a new shiny light.
It is a light full of answers and solutions and options. It is hope. It wants to burst out of me and tackle everything in its path it sun and warmth and a crispness that feels like clean laundry and warm socks.
I am so humiliated and crushed by life at the moment.
I am so awed and inspired by life at the moment.
I am probably certifiably crazy at the moment.
Obviously I am split in two. I am in the depths and the shallows. I want to throw myself into the hope and hang on and thrill in it... but the dark corners lure me away with sorrows and self pity.
*big calming sigh* Today just just the most overwhelming things in totally opposite ends of the spectrum and I don't think my body can contain it- so I end up crying like a lunatic, smiling through tears one moment and covering my face with my hands the next.
I want to believe in everything. I want to grow and spread and be.
I think I'll do just that. I think I'll aim in that direction and tread the best I can.
How come I'm so good under pressure in my work, but when it comes to my life I'm crushed like a bug? Did I use up my karmic share? How come when I'm overwhelmed words bubble out of me like a water from a faucet?
I've stopped crying now. I feel... not better- but quelled. I love that word. I want a burger and a big diet coke. Instead I'm going to eat vitamins and finish this coffee Kendra bought me and pretend that it's the lunch I've envisioned... I'll even throw in some imaginary french fries. You cant be allergic to imaginary potatoes. ha! Take that world.
11/4/08
voted
I voted by absentee ballot. While it is unlikely that my vote will be counted unless there are some wackly circumstances, I feel like I did not only my civic duty but I did my country a favor. Good 'ol madam USA should be happy I gave her a piece of my mind in vote form.
So, you're welcome America. When this world is a better place based on my vote, I'd like my thanks in the form of one of the following:
and/or
(To ease your worry about the death star, I wouldnt use it on earth, yet.)
Again, you're welcome. It was my pleasure.
So, you're welcome America. When this world is a better place based on my vote, I'd like my thanks in the form of one of the following:
and/or
(To ease your worry about the death star, I wouldnt use it on earth, yet.)
Again, you're welcome. It was my pleasure.
10/31/08
quizzed
Angelaboration posted this and I thought it was fun.
The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actor's Studio):
Q: What is your favorite word?
A: trabajabamos (Spanish: First-person plural (nosotros, nosotras) imperfect indicative form of trabajar.)
Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: pudding
Q: What turns you on?
A: reading is pretty sexy
Q: What turns you off?
A: arrogance
Q: What is your favorite curse word?
A: asshat
Q: What sound do you love?
A: my husbands snoring
Q: What sound do you hate?
A: water pipes in the wall (yes, there is poop coursing through those icky pipes just inches behind your head.)
Q: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: interior designer or childrens book author
Q: What profession would you not like to participate in?
A: podiatrist, feet are gross.
Q: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Yahtzee!
There you are. Now I really kind of hope God exists because jeez, that would be sweet.
The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire (made famous by Inside the Actor's Studio):
Q: What is your favorite word?
A: trabajabamos (Spanish: First-person plural (nosotros, nosotras) imperfect indicative form of trabajar.)
Q: What is your least favorite word?
A: pudding
Q: What turns you on?
A: reading is pretty sexy
Q: What turns you off?
A: arrogance
Q: What is your favorite curse word?
A: asshat
Q: What sound do you love?
A: my husbands snoring
Q: What sound do you hate?
A: water pipes in the wall (yes, there is poop coursing through those icky pipes just inches behind your head.)
Q: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
A: interior designer or childrens book author
Q: What profession would you not like to participate in?
A: podiatrist, feet are gross.
Q: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
A: Yahtzee!
There you are. Now I really kind of hope God exists because jeez, that would be sweet.
10/27/08
boxed
I've been boxing up the apartment for the past few weeks (slowly and lazily), and the past couple days things have been less homey and housey- but the place I've loved and slaved over making ours is suddenly feeling emptier and emptier.
It's kind of a hollow place now. The walls that were once vibrant colors, shelves filled with our things- now the picture frames are all stacked and covered in bubble wrap, the walls are primed in a stark white leaving our place feeling like it's not ours anymore.
I leave for LA this coming weekend... and I'm just feeling the pangs of leaving a life (no matter how unrooted) that we've started together.
This is our place.
Now jimmy is moving into a little one bedroom here in Dallas with a short lease while I go out to LA and get a freaking job.
It's not really the traditional "honeymoon period" of the marriage... it's making us both try and savor the time we spend together.
It's making us both remember the long distance thing we've done before. How hard it really is.
I don't know how it is for men in a long distance relationship.
For me, and maybe other women, it's hard because of the little stuff. It's hard because of the loneliness that comes from not being able to tell them how your day went face to face, or share dinner with, or cuddle with while watching the new house.
It's silly and honestly inconsequential in the long run for a few months of separation... but it's sore none the less.
But it's all worth it. I know we are making the best choices for us, we are embarking on a big adventure together- even if we're not physically together for a little while- we are in this together and it's pretty exciting. I kind of love and hate the feeling of change. It's so scary... and at the same time exhilarating and it makes me feel full of so much.
It's kind of a hollow place now. The walls that were once vibrant colors, shelves filled with our things- now the picture frames are all stacked and covered in bubble wrap, the walls are primed in a stark white leaving our place feeling like it's not ours anymore.
I leave for LA this coming weekend... and I'm just feeling the pangs of leaving a life (no matter how unrooted) that we've started together.
This is our place.
Now jimmy is moving into a little one bedroom here in Dallas with a short lease while I go out to LA and get a freaking job.
It's not really the traditional "honeymoon period" of the marriage... it's making us both try and savor the time we spend together.
It's making us both remember the long distance thing we've done before. How hard it really is.
I don't know how it is for men in a long distance relationship.
For me, and maybe other women, it's hard because of the little stuff. It's hard because of the loneliness that comes from not being able to tell them how your day went face to face, or share dinner with, or cuddle with while watching the new house.
It's silly and honestly inconsequential in the long run for a few months of separation... but it's sore none the less.
But it's all worth it. I know we are making the best choices for us, we are embarking on a big adventure together- even if we're not physically together for a little while- we are in this together and it's pretty exciting. I kind of love and hate the feeling of change. It's so scary... and at the same time exhilarating and it makes me feel full of so much.
10/16/08
mooned
I also want to mention, during my bloggorific day- that I had the coolest honeymoon ever. Somthing akin to "an affair to remember", only without the sad parts and the aunt in Italy. I'd like to think myself a little like Deborah Kerr- I did get to wear a very pretty dress and get served a delicious and decadent five course meal surrounded by glitz and old fashioned glam and my very own Cary Grant.
We went on a cruise from NYC to Halifax, Nova Scotia and then stopped in five places along the east coast. It was amazing.
The weather was perfect. Canada is amazing in that part of the country- the leaves were starting to change and the views were spectacular. It really was like being in a movie. We had a lobster bake in Maine, went on a pub tour in Halifax, saw fenway in Boston, toured Acadia National park, enjoyed going to the casino on the ship and being treated like royalty... it was really just so much fun.
Being the youngest people on board got us a lot of attention from everyone else- seeing as the majority of out co-passengers were geriatrics, we really were having a ball.
Oh, and does anyone remember Mark Berry from OHS class of 2001? Well, he was on board as a drummer in a band. How cool is that? Go Chiefs.
So yes. I fancied myself a 1940's movie star for my wedding and my honeymoon. Can you blame me? I loved every second of it.
We went on a cruise from NYC to Halifax, Nova Scotia and then stopped in five places along the east coast. It was amazing.
The weather was perfect. Canada is amazing in that part of the country- the leaves were starting to change and the views were spectacular. It really was like being in a movie. We had a lobster bake in Maine, went on a pub tour in Halifax, saw fenway in Boston, toured Acadia National park, enjoyed going to the casino on the ship and being treated like royalty... it was really just so much fun.
Being the youngest people on board got us a lot of attention from everyone else- seeing as the majority of out co-passengers were geriatrics, we really were having a ball.
Oh, and does anyone remember Mark Berry from OHS class of 2001? Well, he was on board as a drummer in a band. How cool is that? Go Chiefs.
So yes. I fancied myself a 1940's movie star for my wedding and my honeymoon. Can you blame me? I loved every second of it.
married
So I've been a procrastinator. I should be packing, painting and putting all the clothes where they belong.
Instead I'm finding many reasons to put if off.
Here are my favorite pictures today:
Kendra and Danielle helping put my veil in place. I love ready-room wedding pictures, you can feel the anticipation and excitment in them.
I think the reason I love this one needs no explination.
Mom, Sara and me in the photobooth. Gosh, we're pretty ladies.
This one just makes me happy. They are so cute.
Every day I find I have a new favorites.
Being married is much like being in a serious relationship... only you arent worried anymore. The little things that annoy you dont really matter. It's not scary to talk about the future- your stomach doesnt feel like the bottom is going to fall out when you discuss kids and careers and moving.
It's really, well. Refreshing to have a partner that is solid. Being married just makes me feel like I'm whole.
That's so cheesy and wierd but really- I love the fact that I have someone in my life that I can love unabashed and wholely and trust with everything that is me. From my love of the nerdiness to balancing the checkbook to sore feet after work to talking about politics that matter to us. I mean really- I feel freed by my choices.
I guess that's how I know that it's right. That I dont feel confined in anyway, instead I feel like new doors have been opened.
It's so strange to think that it would make this big of a difference... and still, none at all. I wouldnt have guessed. It is hard to put into words. I knew I wanted to get married in life- but I never knew it would be like this.
I hope that you, dear reader, may find the happiness that sets you free.
Instead I'm finding many reasons to put if off.
Here are my favorite pictures today:
Kendra and Danielle helping put my veil in place. I love ready-room wedding pictures, you can feel the anticipation and excitment in them.
I think the reason I love this one needs no explination.
Mom, Sara and me in the photobooth. Gosh, we're pretty ladies.
This one just makes me happy. They are so cute.
Every day I find I have a new favorites.
Being married is much like being in a serious relationship... only you arent worried anymore. The little things that annoy you dont really matter. It's not scary to talk about the future- your stomach doesnt feel like the bottom is going to fall out when you discuss kids and careers and moving.
It's really, well. Refreshing to have a partner that is solid. Being married just makes me feel like I'm whole.
That's so cheesy and wierd but really- I love the fact that I have someone in my life that I can love unabashed and wholely and trust with everything that is me. From my love of the nerdiness to balancing the checkbook to sore feet after work to talking about politics that matter to us. I mean really- I feel freed by my choices.
I guess that's how I know that it's right. That I dont feel confined in anyway, instead I feel like new doors have been opened.
It's so strange to think that it would make this big of a difference... and still, none at all. I wouldnt have guessed. It is hard to put into words. I knew I wanted to get married in life- but I never knew it would be like this.
I hope that you, dear reader, may find the happiness that sets you free.
10/7/08
wed
Dear Kate,
You are now a married lady.
Crazy, huh?
Love,
Kate
ps. Everyone said I looked lovely. I think lovely wasnt really the right word. Happy. I am full of joy. (Joy, what a silly looking word to have so much meaning.)
You are now a married lady.
Crazy, huh?
Love,
Kate
ps. Everyone said I looked lovely. I think lovely wasnt really the right word. Happy. I am full of joy. (Joy, what a silly looking word to have so much meaning.)
9/7/08
geeked
The term, geeked is used in two ways that I'm aware of.
1) Geeked, to be very excited, (by anything). ie: He was all geeked up about football season! or She was super geeked that they had french toast on the menu.
2) Geeked, something is deemed by the majority of people to be aimed at nerds or dorks that defines a person or collection of things. (Science, Math, History), ie: After her visit to Apple her iPhone was geeked out. or Her bookshelf was all geeked out with Star Wars novels.
I personally, have geeked out in both sense of the word for two separate reasons.
I am getting married in 13 days. I am so excited by everything that is going to happen that geeked is an appropriate term for the level of happy and pumped I am becoming.
Secondly I have geeked out on a whole new level in the nerdiness that is Kate.
I have fallen for a website that I wish would update itself more often. It is the shit. www.geekologie.com
It is the epitome of everything awesome and nerd oriented- from the coolest cakes ever bake with a Mario Brothers theme to the newest architectural triumphs planned in Dubai.
Also, I have formed a love for a few new geek-y things. Mostly Battle Star Galactica. That show is like cocaine. I want more and I don't want the high to end. I have debated illegal things to be able to see the episodes that aren't online or at Blockbuster. I feel like I'm in pre-withdrawal because I have so few episodes left to watch.
Seriously. Geeky.
Lastly, I've found my long absent CD of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode. I have had 'Walking Through the Fire' in my head for days and I love it and hate it all at once. Maybe losing the CD for so long was a good thing? Then at least I didn't repeat the lyrics in my head all day like some kind of savant.
In prep for the wedding I've been overwhelmed with last minute details- but with everything coming together I am so thrilled about it all. I cant wait! In the big picture it's going to be a great day of fun and people I love and more importantly, Jimmy and I will make the choice to be us forever infront of the people we love and respect the most in life.
That's pretty big.
Then we get to go on a wickedly awesome vacation! (see: honeymoon)
In the little picture we're going to take pictures and eat yummy food and dance and drink and goof around and try to spend every second of the whole day relaxed and soaking it in. No Bridezilla, no Groomzilla- just Jimmy and Kate Celebrate.
What's better than that?
Oh, yeah- everyday after will be. It's a bright future we've built ourselves.
So yeah, geeked is a little bit of an understatement- but it'll do for the moment.
1) Geeked, to be very excited, (by anything). ie: He was all geeked up about football season! or She was super geeked that they had french toast on the menu.
2) Geeked, something is deemed by the majority of people to be aimed at nerds or dorks that defines a person or collection of things. (Science, Math, History), ie: After her visit to Apple her iPhone was geeked out. or Her bookshelf was all geeked out with Star Wars novels.
I personally, have geeked out in both sense of the word for two separate reasons.
I am getting married in 13 days. I am so excited by everything that is going to happen that geeked is an appropriate term for the level of happy and pumped I am becoming.
Secondly I have geeked out on a whole new level in the nerdiness that is Kate.
I have fallen for a website that I wish would update itself more often. It is the shit. www.geekologie.com
It is the epitome of everything awesome and nerd oriented- from the coolest cakes ever bake with a Mario Brothers theme to the newest architectural triumphs planned in Dubai.
Also, I have formed a love for a few new geek-y things. Mostly Battle Star Galactica. That show is like cocaine. I want more and I don't want the high to end. I have debated illegal things to be able to see the episodes that aren't online or at Blockbuster. I feel like I'm in pre-withdrawal because I have so few episodes left to watch.
Seriously. Geeky.
Lastly, I've found my long absent CD of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode. I have had 'Walking Through the Fire' in my head for days and I love it and hate it all at once. Maybe losing the CD for so long was a good thing? Then at least I didn't repeat the lyrics in my head all day like some kind of savant.
In prep for the wedding I've been overwhelmed with last minute details- but with everything coming together I am so thrilled about it all. I cant wait! In the big picture it's going to be a great day of fun and people I love and more importantly, Jimmy and I will make the choice to be us forever infront of the people we love and respect the most in life.
That's pretty big.
Then we get to go on a wickedly awesome vacation! (see: honeymoon)
In the little picture we're going to take pictures and eat yummy food and dance and drink and goof around and try to spend every second of the whole day relaxed and soaking it in. No Bridezilla, no Groomzilla- just Jimmy and Kate Celebrate.
What's better than that?
Oh, yeah- everyday after will be. It's a bright future we've built ourselves.
So yeah, geeked is a little bit of an understatement- but it'll do for the moment.
8/5/08
dissapointed
For those of you that are readers out there, you can probably relate.
There is nothing worse than an anticipated book being a big disappointment.
I just finished a 700-some page book that I bought yesterday at lunch. I've been waiting for this book for a year. I've read and re-read the books predecessors in the series probably ninety times. I love them, I love the characters, the story arc, the tension, every time I read them I feel the thrill of 'What's going to happen next?" I live each moment with my ink friends over and over as I read their saga...
And now I feel like there is a gaping hole where they used to be in my mental library of books I can rely on.
You know, books you can always pick up to be transported into that oddly fantastic not here or there place that only the loved pages can bring you?
Now I feel like I've been suckered punched by the fan-fic era.
this book was not only a disappointment in the end, but about 100 pages in I KNEW it was going to be. It read like a bad fan fiction.
Here are my gripes:
1) Too many new characters are introduced without good explanation of who they are or why they matter
2) Some chapters are written in a POV that the previous books never had been (Boo!)
3) Overly word at points and then suddenly you're re-reading paragraphs to figure out what just happened because it reads like someone forgot a sentence...
4) Characters act out of their previously set morals, obligations, ideals, etc. etc. etc. (Hiss!)
5) The 'new characters' suddenly become very important and you are supposed to care about them for no real reason (Bah!)
6) The author stops taking risks, every move is so calculated - everything on the fence. Every plot move is predictable from page ten. (save one that seriously, just sucked anyway.)
It's like if someone wrote a sequel to Hamlet and Ophelia was suddenly back from the dead and Hamlet stopped being a crazy shit, made peace with his enemies and everyone lived happily ever after. (Oh and Hamlet had all these really talented brothers and sisters that you never knew about that are really vital to the story) What a boring story that would be.
I hate things like this. I hate authors who take too much input from their audience and let that impact their vision.
I'm so pissed. I was seriously on the edge of my seat for this book... and bah. boo. hiss.
Ultimately, my sadness over what feels like loss wins out over my anger at the author.
I love some fanatic, it's such an awesome phenomenon and I love it in a weird way... but this book took all my hopes for what could have been so fantastic and crashed them like a 747 into Everest.
This author once wrote that Romeo and Juliet are only remembered because of their story. If Juliet made the safe choice and moved on after Romeo left- which then leads her to live happily with Paris... would the play still be titled Romeo and Juliet? If Romeo forgot Juliet and went back to his original target (Rosaline) would it have been a story at all, would said story have the same crackle?
There should be a resounding 'NO', here, folks. Wouldn't the point of that statement, coming from and author be that stories cant always wrap things up in pretty bows, cant be predictable and safe... that writing inst about making people happy. About making characters happy. When you place characters in certain situations you cant change who they are into who you want them to be to get the end result you want.
As an author, you cant unpaint a character from a corner when you've pretty much solidified that your character can neither fly or wait until the paint dries to extract themselves. The character either comes out the other side covered in paint, or they deal with the repercussions of staying clean.
Why didn't the authors editor, friends, family, agents, etc. (ETC ETC ETC!!!!!) Remind her that her intention as a writer isn't to please audiences, it's to write compelling and honest work?
This stinks of over thought and too many cooks in the kitchen.
Boo, hiss, bah.
Thanks for listening to the ranting of a mad woman.
I'm having book-icidal thoughts.
I'd like to go back to yesterday morning when my imagination could run wild with 'what-ifs' about what was next. I'd rather be in what-if land forever than have this stinking pile in my brain.
There is nothing worse than an anticipated book being a big disappointment.
I just finished a 700-some page book that I bought yesterday at lunch. I've been waiting for this book for a year. I've read and re-read the books predecessors in the series probably ninety times. I love them, I love the characters, the story arc, the tension, every time I read them I feel the thrill of 'What's going to happen next?" I live each moment with my ink friends over and over as I read their saga...
And now I feel like there is a gaping hole where they used to be in my mental library of books I can rely on.
You know, books you can always pick up to be transported into that oddly fantastic not here or there place that only the loved pages can bring you?
Now I feel like I've been suckered punched by the fan-fic era.
this book was not only a disappointment in the end, but about 100 pages in I KNEW it was going to be. It read like a bad fan fiction.
Here are my gripes:
1) Too many new characters are introduced without good explanation of who they are or why they matter
2) Some chapters are written in a POV that the previous books never had been (Boo!)
3) Overly word at points and then suddenly you're re-reading paragraphs to figure out what just happened because it reads like someone forgot a sentence...
4) Characters act out of their previously set morals, obligations, ideals, etc. etc. etc. (Hiss!)
5) The 'new characters' suddenly become very important and you are supposed to care about them for no real reason (Bah!)
6) The author stops taking risks, every move is so calculated - everything on the fence. Every plot move is predictable from page ten. (save one that seriously, just sucked anyway.)
It's like if someone wrote a sequel to Hamlet and Ophelia was suddenly back from the dead and Hamlet stopped being a crazy shit, made peace with his enemies and everyone lived happily ever after. (Oh and Hamlet had all these really talented brothers and sisters that you never knew about that are really vital to the story) What a boring story that would be.
I hate things like this. I hate authors who take too much input from their audience and let that impact their vision.
I'm so pissed. I was seriously on the edge of my seat for this book... and bah. boo. hiss.
Ultimately, my sadness over what feels like loss wins out over my anger at the author.
I love some fanatic, it's such an awesome phenomenon and I love it in a weird way... but this book took all my hopes for what could have been so fantastic and crashed them like a 747 into Everest.
This author once wrote that Romeo and Juliet are only remembered because of their story. If Juliet made the safe choice and moved on after Romeo left- which then leads her to live happily with Paris... would the play still be titled Romeo and Juliet? If Romeo forgot Juliet and went back to his original target (Rosaline) would it have been a story at all, would said story have the same crackle?
There should be a resounding 'NO', here, folks. Wouldn't the point of that statement, coming from and author be that stories cant always wrap things up in pretty bows, cant be predictable and safe... that writing inst about making people happy. About making characters happy. When you place characters in certain situations you cant change who they are into who you want them to be to get the end result you want.
As an author, you cant unpaint a character from a corner when you've pretty much solidified that your character can neither fly or wait until the paint dries to extract themselves. The character either comes out the other side covered in paint, or they deal with the repercussions of staying clean.
Why didn't the authors editor, friends, family, agents, etc. (ETC ETC ETC!!!!!) Remind her that her intention as a writer isn't to please audiences, it's to write compelling and honest work?
This stinks of over thought and too many cooks in the kitchen.
Boo, hiss, bah.
Thanks for listening to the ranting of a mad woman.
I'm having book-icidal thoughts.
I'd like to go back to yesterday morning when my imagination could run wild with 'what-ifs' about what was next. I'd rather be in what-if land forever than have this stinking pile in my brain.
7/10/08
showered
Last week I went to Chicago and got to see some of my favorite people in the world. I am the luckiest gal ever.
Starting with an awesome night Chicago welcomed me with open arms.
(Arent my friends pretty people?)
Jimmy and I then went on the Wrigley field tour, which pretty much kicked ass. (pictures soon)
I got to go shopping with my mom and got a beautiful dress for my shower. The shower was held on Saturday and I felt spoiled and wonderful and loved. Nancy (MFMIL) put on a seriously beautiful day for us. My future-Aunt-Kathy made an unbelievably awesome cake and everyone looked wonderful and happy and sunshiney...
(Me and Jimmy Before the Shower)
(A Goofy One)
(My lovely hostesses)
(The soon-to-be Cadenii Clan!)
Although I reallly enjoyed the party, I was kind of sad that none of my friends came. Even so, the party was very nice, elegant and sophisticated and at the same time I really wished that someone, any of them, could have come... sadly Nancy even had a bunch of place settings with cute name cards for all of them.
Jimmy's family and I get along very well- and they day was a huge success! I really enjoyed myself. I'm a very lucky girl. I couldnt be happier to get along with my mother in law so well, her sisters, my new aunts, my new cousins. It's a strange thing to be a part of a whole new family.
To suddenly have to understand the delicate and not-so delicate reltionships of people I've only know for a couple years is tough and fun and feels like an adventure. I dont know... it's fun. It's hard to explain or find the right words for.
The whole trip was just terrific.
(Aunt Kathys house post-shower, doesnt everyone just look so happy?)
I am a lucky girl.
Starting with an awesome night Chicago welcomed me with open arms.
(Arent my friends pretty people?)
Jimmy and I then went on the Wrigley field tour, which pretty much kicked ass. (pictures soon)
I got to go shopping with my mom and got a beautiful dress for my shower. The shower was held on Saturday and I felt spoiled and wonderful and loved. Nancy (MFMIL) put on a seriously beautiful day for us. My future-Aunt-Kathy made an unbelievably awesome cake and everyone looked wonderful and happy and sunshiney...
(Me and Jimmy Before the Shower)
(A Goofy One)
(My lovely hostesses)
(The soon-to-be Cadenii Clan!)
Although I reallly enjoyed the party, I was kind of sad that none of my friends came. Even so, the party was very nice, elegant and sophisticated and at the same time I really wished that someone, any of them, could have come... sadly Nancy even had a bunch of place settings with cute name cards for all of them.
Jimmy's family and I get along very well- and they day was a huge success! I really enjoyed myself. I'm a very lucky girl. I couldnt be happier to get along with my mother in law so well, her sisters, my new aunts, my new cousins. It's a strange thing to be a part of a whole new family.
To suddenly have to understand the delicate and not-so delicate reltionships of people I've only know for a couple years is tough and fun and feels like an adventure. I dont know... it's fun. It's hard to explain or find the right words for.
The whole trip was just terrific.
(Aunt Kathys house post-shower, doesnt everyone just look so happy?)
I am a lucky girl.
6/12/08
sang
Today I sang in the car for the first time in a very long time. It was pleasant and it made me feel nostalgic.
I miss singing. It's sad that my singing days are past tense. Happily, I still feel the bubbly feeling in my chest when I sing, even to myself.
When I used to sing regularly I dont remember getting as much joy out of it as I did today, but that warm feeling that built in my chest was like an old friend that I havent seen in a long time.
It was nice to catch up.
I miss singing. It's sad that my singing days are past tense. Happily, I still feel the bubbly feeling in my chest when I sing, even to myself.
When I used to sing regularly I dont remember getting as much joy out of it as I did today, but that warm feeling that built in my chest was like an old friend that I havent seen in a long time.
It was nice to catch up.
6/8/08
dedicated
I am trying very hard to be dedicated to this blog... but sadly, I have very little to write about unless you want to hear about the traffic to and from work or my idiot co-workers antics or baby bowel movements.
My weekly routine is just that mundane.
Saturday and Sunday's are the only days that are less predicable.
My average Saturday:
Get up around 9 (ooh! sleepin' in late, Kate, live on the wild side!)
Make breakfast, or if I'm feeling really frisky Jimmy and I go out somewhere that serves organic/all natural food.
Shower? (Yeah, that's a question mark. Saturday's maybe be dirty all day, eat it!)
Clean house some... mostly pick up all the crap I've left around the house during the week and put it closer to where it belongs.
Do the dishes and start the laundry.
See a movie. ( I saw Zohan, this weekend)
Eat something tasty. (Made Chili Frito Pie today)
Watch Tivo/the cubs game if there is one. (Cubs game today...)
Try to call my parents. (usually there is no answer, but I try.)
Besides the mundane-ness of my weeks, I'm trying to be better about this blogging thing.
Sadly, I'm not that great at it. My priorities are more for keeping up my friendships outside of Texas by phone and e-mail and then wedding stuff. I'm not the best at phone calls and whatnot, but I'm trying harder to be good at it. Life is short, and I want the people I love to be a part of my life and me in theirs.
Somedays life feels bigger than I can hold.
My weekly routine is just that mundane.
Saturday and Sunday's are the only days that are less predicable.
My average Saturday:
Get up around 9 (ooh! sleepin' in late, Kate, live on the wild side!)
Make breakfast, or if I'm feeling really frisky Jimmy and I go out somewhere that serves organic/all natural food.
Shower? (Yeah, that's a question mark. Saturday's maybe be dirty all day, eat it!)
Clean house some... mostly pick up all the crap I've left around the house during the week and put it closer to where it belongs.
Do the dishes and start the laundry.
See a movie. ( I saw Zohan, this weekend)
Eat something tasty. (Made Chili Frito Pie today)
Watch Tivo/the cubs game if there is one. (Cubs game today...)
Try to call my parents. (usually there is no answer, but I try.)
Besides the mundane-ness of my weeks, I'm trying to be better about this blogging thing.
Sadly, I'm not that great at it. My priorities are more for keeping up my friendships outside of Texas by phone and e-mail and then wedding stuff. I'm not the best at phone calls and whatnot, but I'm trying harder to be good at it. Life is short, and I want the people I love to be a part of my life and me in theirs.
Somedays life feels bigger than I can hold.
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