I am in Dallas at Jimmy's work and I want to pour this scalding coffee on myself so I have something to talk about with these people.
You know how awkward it is to meet strangers, who apparently know who I am, and I've heard their names- but have a hard time remembering which name is who... it's wierd. I hate awkward.
Last night was kind of awkward. I felw from LAX to Denver and thenDenver to Dallas. It blew. I really hate to fly and when we went through two different thunderstorms I thought I was going to have a heart attack or puke all over the guy next to me who refused to wear his shoes.
It was frusterating.
Then I got to see Jimmy, which was very nice. We went to dinner (had some Texas BBQ), went swimming in his pool and then slept.
Since there is a two hour time difference, when Jimmy wanted to go to bed it was only 8:00pm my time. Which meant I didnt sleep much and then had to get up really early. (about 5:00am my time) and now I think I'm typing while I sleep.
It is dark in this room and chilly and it makes me want to lay down and nap.
That and I got a severe work out last night.
I've missed him. It's nice to know I've been missed, too.
My tan really is pretty bad-ass though when my skin is darker than his Colombian natural hue. I get a kick out of it.
I still hate flying. Sometimes I think that I'd be an awesome spy or something and then I realize that if I cant handle a simple 787 to Denver, then the whole Jetplane thing is out. I'd have to be a spy that travels by train, or boat. It would be an ok substitution.
I dont even know what I'm talking about anymore. I need some rest.
7/21/06
7/19/06
learned
I went to the pool this morning and tanned a little- tried not to be too anxious for my trip in the morning and swam a little.
People who lay by the pool are usually doing one of three things:
-Sleeping
-Reading
-Watching evryone else
I like to listen to audiobooks on my ipod and turn over ever ten to fifteen minutes (as not to burn).
Toady instead I mostly watched people be selfconcious. It is very heartening to know that everyone feels that twinge of nerves before they take off their clothes to reveal whatever body they have been graced with. It is universal.
The one thing that is saved solely for LA are the people who sit by the pool with books that are obviously not thiers, and they pretend to be studious.
A guy, tan, buff, tall- was lounging by the pool with a copy of "Catcher in the Rye". He started out by pretending to read, while watching others and then as I was leaving he looked like was really trying to read the words on the page.
How did I know?
His lips were moving and he looked very confused.
Somehow, I found it endearing.
People who lay by the pool are usually doing one of three things:
-Sleeping
-Reading
-Watching evryone else
I like to listen to audiobooks on my ipod and turn over ever ten to fifteen minutes (as not to burn).
Toady instead I mostly watched people be selfconcious. It is very heartening to know that everyone feels that twinge of nerves before they take off their clothes to reveal whatever body they have been graced with. It is universal.
The one thing that is saved solely for LA are the people who sit by the pool with books that are obviously not thiers, and they pretend to be studious.
A guy, tan, buff, tall- was lounging by the pool with a copy of "Catcher in the Rye". He started out by pretending to read, while watching others and then as I was leaving he looked like was really trying to read the words on the page.
How did I know?
His lips were moving and he looked very confused.
Somehow, I found it endearing.
7/17/06
rotted
I have lived in LA for seven weeks. I still have no job, but am looking everywhere- for now, though I am doing just fine
The fridge inmy food though, is not as happy.
Somehow when I go grocerey shopping, I dont eat the food I buy. Like my mother before me- when all i have in the fridge is a gallon of milk- it isnt enough. I need bread and cheese and cereal and all these things I dont happen to have.
When my fridge is full, I dont eat anyof it. The bag of salad goes black in the back of the crisper drawer, the cheese has a chunk out of it and then slowly hardens on the edges utnil mold creeps in little tiny spots like Jack Sparows hand.
The eggs just sit, and I wonder how long it really takes for them to start to smell (recalling a Calvin and Hobbes comic) and realize I dont think I want to know. The hamburger meat truns brown overnight like the banana that sit untouched.
I am a food hoarder. When I dont have any food in my house I am starving and would kill for a simple sandwich- when my cupboards are stocked, I am happy as a clam, I dont eat very often and I forget that some of the things need to be eaten or they will stink up my house.
I have a wierd thing, I think, about food in the fridge. I want it to stay there. I want to know that it is there. It is comforting somehow.
And yet I have the problem with it going bad.
Is that very strange?
The fridge inmy food though, is not as happy.
Somehow when I go grocerey shopping, I dont eat the food I buy. Like my mother before me- when all i have in the fridge is a gallon of milk- it isnt enough. I need bread and cheese and cereal and all these things I dont happen to have.
When my fridge is full, I dont eat anyof it. The bag of salad goes black in the back of the crisper drawer, the cheese has a chunk out of it and then slowly hardens on the edges utnil mold creeps in little tiny spots like Jack Sparows hand.
The eggs just sit, and I wonder how long it really takes for them to start to smell (recalling a Calvin and Hobbes comic) and realize I dont think I want to know. The hamburger meat truns brown overnight like the banana that sit untouched.
I am a food hoarder. When I dont have any food in my house I am starving and would kill for a simple sandwich- when my cupboards are stocked, I am happy as a clam, I dont eat very often and I forget that some of the things need to be eaten or they will stink up my house.
I have a wierd thing, I think, about food in the fridge. I want it to stay there. I want to know that it is there. It is comforting somehow.
And yet I have the problem with it going bad.
Is that very strange?
7/12/06
told
So.
It turns out that my smooth conversation with mom last night about my choices and everything... about he and I, about growing up was for nothing.
I told her everything... accept that I had already bought a ticket and was leaving in a week to see him.
She told me she was happy for me. Happy that I was happy. She told me that she thinks he's my Gary.
I cried, she cried. It was great.
Dad was something I was going to have to broach another night... and we hung up wishing eachother the best and to talk soon.
Little did I know that soon was this morning at 8:30, the crack of fricken dawn- with her yelling at me:
"You're leaving on the 20th?! I just got a currier here with boarding passes for you! What is this?"
I replied sleepily, "It's early here, mom- and we talked about this last night." Hoping she would accept that and stop yelling like Judy.
"You did not tell me you had already bought a ticket- dated, THE ELEVENTH!" (Yesterday)
"Well, I did. It's not going to be long." I said sitting up in bed and trying to wake up enough to concentrate-
"You're coming back the 25! Five days!" I said nothing and probably yawned.
"Where do you want me to send these?" Her voice calmed and I could hear Tom in the background.
I remember telling her my address and saying again how early it was here and then I woke up an hour later with my alarm, trying to figure out if it was a dream or a nightmare- or both.
I have yet to call home today, to... check up on things. I dont know exactly what is going on. But, then- if she didnt kill me over the phone... it cant be that bad.
It turns out that my smooth conversation with mom last night about my choices and everything... about he and I, about growing up was for nothing.
I told her everything... accept that I had already bought a ticket and was leaving in a week to see him.
She told me she was happy for me. Happy that I was happy. She told me that she thinks he's my Gary.
I cried, she cried. It was great.
Dad was something I was going to have to broach another night... and we hung up wishing eachother the best and to talk soon.
Little did I know that soon was this morning at 8:30, the crack of fricken dawn- with her yelling at me:
"You're leaving on the 20th?! I just got a currier here with boarding passes for you! What is this?"
I replied sleepily, "It's early here, mom- and we talked about this last night." Hoping she would accept that and stop yelling like Judy.
"You did not tell me you had already bought a ticket- dated, THE ELEVENTH!" (Yesterday)
"Well, I did. It's not going to be long." I said sitting up in bed and trying to wake up enough to concentrate-
"You're coming back the 25! Five days!" I said nothing and probably yawned.
"Where do you want me to send these?" Her voice calmed and I could hear Tom in the background.
I remember telling her my address and saying again how early it was here and then I woke up an hour later with my alarm, trying to figure out if it was a dream or a nightmare- or both.
I have yet to call home today, to... check up on things. I dont know exactly what is going on. But, then- if she didnt kill me over the phone... it cant be that bad.
7/11/06
switched
He and I are in a whole new place. I have a flight to Dallas on the 20th.
How exactly does one tell her parents that she and her boyfriend are not only together (when they thought they werent) and in love (which they dont put much stock into) and that she is going to visit him 20 hours away for five days?
How do you approach that subject with your father? Or mother, in fact? Much less over-protective and knife happy younger brother?
How can you express it to them where they dont see it as a Lifetime movie?
How the thought of seeing eachother is so huge and amazing, that it is all you dream about? That moment in the airport when you see their face and know that it's real? Holding hands in the car ride to who-cares where?
And then... how do you tell them that he is moving here and we are getting an apartment together? How do you tell your uber-religious family that you are living in sin? Is it sick that I think it might be fun?
How do you know for sure? (They'll ask.)
There is no for sure. Not ever, but there's sure enough. And that's what I am. Sure enough that it's worth it.
How exactly does one tell her parents that she and her boyfriend are not only together (when they thought they werent) and in love (which they dont put much stock into) and that she is going to visit him 20 hours away for five days?
How do you approach that subject with your father? Or mother, in fact? Much less over-protective and knife happy younger brother?
How can you express it to them where they dont see it as a Lifetime movie?
How the thought of seeing eachother is so huge and amazing, that it is all you dream about? That moment in the airport when you see their face and know that it's real? Holding hands in the car ride to who-cares where?
And then... how do you tell them that he is moving here and we are getting an apartment together? How do you tell your uber-religious family that you are living in sin? Is it sick that I think it might be fun?
How do you know for sure? (They'll ask.)
There is no for sure. Not ever, but there's sure enough. And that's what I am. Sure enough that it's worth it.
7/9/06
starred
This weekend I went and saw Pirates- so much fun! I really enjoyed it.
After the amazingly light fun peice of Johnny D. I went to the bathroom and ran into Gary Oldman. His accent was wonderful, and he looked older- but happy with a little five year old asking him all the innane questions that usually come from a five year olds mouth.
It was fun, today I went to the flea market on Fairfax and was shooping around in the little bodegas and tents. While rummaging through some really hideous dresses in hopes of finiding one that wasnt so hideous- I heard a voice I recognized but couldnt place.
I looked up and next to me was a tiny waif of a girl with a gruff yet peircing voice. Parker Posey was rummaging in the same tiny tent, on the same dirty rack as me. She had on enourmous sunglasses and a dress that would make Mary-Kate Olsen's taste seem bland.
She was yelling to one of her friends about belts and broaches. I paused, stared for a second and then realized that she was really standing next to me. Then I continued to rummage.
Somehow star watching isnt nearly so exciting out here. It's everyday.
Seeing "Steve" from Sex and the City in Chicago was HUGE.
Outhere it's impossible to go anywhere and not see someone famous. It's strange that it's become normal.
It is strange though, to note how very normal celebrities are. It shouldnt be a shock- but somehow knowing a celebrity has holes in their sock, too makes it all the more interesting.
After the amazingly light fun peice of Johnny D. I went to the bathroom and ran into Gary Oldman. His accent was wonderful, and he looked older- but happy with a little five year old asking him all the innane questions that usually come from a five year olds mouth.
It was fun, today I went to the flea market on Fairfax and was shooping around in the little bodegas and tents. While rummaging through some really hideous dresses in hopes of finiding one that wasnt so hideous- I heard a voice I recognized but couldnt place.
I looked up and next to me was a tiny waif of a girl with a gruff yet peircing voice. Parker Posey was rummaging in the same tiny tent, on the same dirty rack as me. She had on enourmous sunglasses and a dress that would make Mary-Kate Olsen's taste seem bland.
She was yelling to one of her friends about belts and broaches. I paused, stared for a second and then realized that she was really standing next to me. Then I continued to rummage.
Somehow star watching isnt nearly so exciting out here. It's everyday.
Seeing "Steve" from Sex and the City in Chicago was HUGE.
Outhere it's impossible to go anywhere and not see someone famous. It's strange that it's become normal.
It is strange though, to note how very normal celebrities are. It shouldnt be a shock- but somehow knowing a celebrity has holes in their sock, too makes it all the more interesting.
7/7/06
chilled
Today I felt better than I had in a week. I felt good, healthy.
When you have a cough you think, "God! When will this end!" and you cant remeber what it was like to sleep at night without waking up on phlem- and you get used to it. And you sleep through the coughing, you wake others but not yourself-
And then one dday you realize- you stopped coughing. That day is the best day of your life. How long had it been since you stopped? You dont know, but do you even care? And then, in a few weeks, months, days, wahtever- you start to cough again. And You cant sleep.
I am that person all the time.
Today I realized how great it is not to "cough". How good it feels to feel good.
I laid on my new floating pool toy and read the new Kelly Armstrong book and got a great tan and went to Burbank and bought a summer dress (covered in apple designs and it is so cute!) and I ate at Hooters and got hit on by some guy who's pick up line was:
"Are you related to Heather Graham? Ahsnt anyone ever asked you that? It's remarkable. I'm _______, what's your name?"
One: If you are going to use that line, wait for a response before you dive into your spiel.
Two: If you are going to use that line pick a celebrity that I actually, maybe resemble.
Three: If you are going to use that line pick a celebrity that is attractive.
Four: If you are going to use that line you shouldnt be talking to me unless you are expecting laughter in response.
Five: If you are going to use that line, dont follow it up with, "I'm a magician- want to see a trick?" and pull out a big set of silver rings from your back pocket. (seriously, it happened.)
Six: If you are going to use that line at a Hooters, dont stare at mine, I dont work there.
In conclusion:
I felt better today, getting hit on is usuallly a fun pick-me-up until someone trys to do magic badly and tells me I have huge hands. Thanks. No, I do not want your number.
As a day ender, I got a call from Jimmy, who may or may not remember making it in the morning, but it is nice to hear that you are missed from very far away. I miss him, too. He is sleeping with my pillow tonight, the one I left on his bed with the Star Wars pillow case- he took it from his closet shelf and is snuggling with the pseudo-replacement-me for the night. It is a sad and very warming thought, I wish it didnt have to be psuedo-replacement.
I am chilled from too much sun, I'm going to put on P&P and turn down the A/C and pretend I'm in Chicago and hadnt left my Garciaparra poster there to rot.
When you have a cough you think, "God! When will this end!" and you cant remeber what it was like to sleep at night without waking up on phlem- and you get used to it. And you sleep through the coughing, you wake others but not yourself-
And then one dday you realize- you stopped coughing. That day is the best day of your life. How long had it been since you stopped? You dont know, but do you even care? And then, in a few weeks, months, days, wahtever- you start to cough again. And You cant sleep.
I am that person all the time.
Today I realized how great it is not to "cough". How good it feels to feel good.
I laid on my new floating pool toy and read the new Kelly Armstrong book and got a great tan and went to Burbank and bought a summer dress (covered in apple designs and it is so cute!) and I ate at Hooters and got hit on by some guy who's pick up line was:
"Are you related to Heather Graham? Ahsnt anyone ever asked you that? It's remarkable. I'm _______, what's your name?"
One: If you are going to use that line, wait for a response before you dive into your spiel.
Two: If you are going to use that line pick a celebrity that I actually, maybe resemble.
Three: If you are going to use that line pick a celebrity that is attractive.
Four: If you are going to use that line you shouldnt be talking to me unless you are expecting laughter in response.
Five: If you are going to use that line, dont follow it up with, "I'm a magician- want to see a trick?" and pull out a big set of silver rings from your back pocket. (seriously, it happened.)
Six: If you are going to use that line at a Hooters, dont stare at mine, I dont work there.
In conclusion:
I felt better today, getting hit on is usuallly a fun pick-me-up until someone trys to do magic badly and tells me I have huge hands. Thanks. No, I do not want your number.
As a day ender, I got a call from Jimmy, who may or may not remember making it in the morning, but it is nice to hear that you are missed from very far away. I miss him, too. He is sleeping with my pillow tonight, the one I left on his bed with the Star Wars pillow case- he took it from his closet shelf and is snuggling with the pseudo-replacement-me for the night. It is a sad and very warming thought, I wish it didnt have to be psuedo-replacement.
I am chilled from too much sun, I'm going to put on P&P and turn down the A/C and pretend I'm in Chicago and hadnt left my Garciaparra poster there to rot.
7/5/06
did
I am losing my mind. It has only been five days where I have had nothing to do. Where I am in this strange psuedo-city with no schedule, or purpose, or plan.
I have tried to cure this feeling in a number of ways.
- I went to the peir.
- I went on a really tiny rollercoaster made for small children and pussies who have never heard of something called. "Cedar Point".
- I went to a Promenade and felt like I belonged in an episode of "Seventh Heaven".
- I window shopped.
- I cleaned my kitchen.
- I cleaned my bathroom.
- I stared at my laundry and contemplated doing it, but decided it was better kept incase I get REALLY bored.
- I started a blog and wrote too many entries in too litte days.
- I played board games.
- I got a haircut and loved it until I tried to replicate what the stylist had done.
- I went to Blockbuster.
- I outstayed my welcome at a party.
- I drove aimlessly at five in the morning listening to a CD my brother made me.
- I went to the pool and laidout.
- I went to the beach and swam.
- I ate a corn dog.
- I ate a hot dog.
- I read a book.
- I cried and called Sharriese.
- I read another book.
- I went to the gym. Six times.
- I refilled my brita filter.
- I straightened my hair.
- I checked the mail.
- I watched Pride and Prejudice.
- I saw "Superman"
- I called my mother.
- I slept until I was bored with it.
And now, I'm still waiting. Still bored. Still anxious.
Only now I have a sunburn on my back, a smaller bank balance, a headache and some laundry to do.
I have tried to cure this feeling in a number of ways.
- I went to the peir.
- I went on a really tiny rollercoaster made for small children and pussies who have never heard of something called. "Cedar Point".
- I went to a Promenade and felt like I belonged in an episode of "Seventh Heaven".
- I window shopped.
- I cleaned my kitchen.
- I cleaned my bathroom.
- I stared at my laundry and contemplated doing it, but decided it was better kept incase I get REALLY bored.
- I started a blog and wrote too many entries in too litte days.
- I played board games.
- I got a haircut and loved it until I tried to replicate what the stylist had done.
- I went to Blockbuster.
- I outstayed my welcome at a party.
- I drove aimlessly at five in the morning listening to a CD my brother made me.
- I went to the pool and laidout.
- I went to the beach and swam.
- I ate a corn dog.
- I ate a hot dog.
- I read a book.
- I cried and called Sharriese.
- I read another book.
- I went to the gym. Six times.
- I refilled my brita filter.
- I straightened my hair.
- I checked the mail.
- I watched Pride and Prejudice.
- I saw "Superman"
- I called my mother.
- I slept until I was bored with it.
And now, I'm still waiting. Still bored. Still anxious.
Only now I have a sunburn on my back, a smaller bank balance, a headache and some laundry to do.
read
this list is for my sister, who enjos terribly awesome books just as much as I do.
I have been doing a lot of reading of bad books- and here are a few you need to pick up. (Okay I've been on a Vampire kick, sue me.)
1. Twightlight, by Stephanie Meyer:
It's a vampire book, the first three or four chapters almost killed me- but it was worth it. I liked it, a lot more than I should have.
2. Blood Ties: The Turning, by Jennifer Armintrout:
Vampires, Vampire Politics, Dark like Blake only less sex and more plot.
3. Full Moon Rising, by Keri Arthur:
Vampires, Warewolves, you name it. I heard it on tape- and the Australian accents really make it. Otherwise it'd be pretty mediocre and over-sexed. But no where near the Blake level.
4. Undead series, by Mary Janice Davidson:
Like Stephanie Plum, only sillier and about vampires. My cup of tea.
5. Sloppy Firsts; Second Helpings; Charmed Thirds, by Megan McCaffery:
Non-Vampiric. This series is really great. Just trust me, ignore the cover art and read it.
thats all for now.
I have been doing a lot of reading of bad books- and here are a few you need to pick up. (Okay I've been on a Vampire kick, sue me.)
1. Twightlight, by Stephanie Meyer:
It's a vampire book, the first three or four chapters almost killed me- but it was worth it. I liked it, a lot more than I should have.
2. Blood Ties: The Turning, by Jennifer Armintrout:
Vampires, Vampire Politics, Dark like Blake only less sex and more plot.
3. Full Moon Rising, by Keri Arthur:
Vampires, Warewolves, you name it. I heard it on tape- and the Australian accents really make it. Otherwise it'd be pretty mediocre and over-sexed. But no where near the Blake level.
4. Undead series, by Mary Janice Davidson:
Like Stephanie Plum, only sillier and about vampires. My cup of tea.
5. Sloppy Firsts; Second Helpings; Charmed Thirds, by Megan McCaffery:
Non-Vampiric. This series is really great. Just trust me, ignore the cover art and read it.
thats all for now.
7/4/06
celebrated
Today is the fourth of July.
I am going to Jeff's house to celebrate with his girlfriend, Derek and Joe. It is strange. Kendra is gone to Arizona- and I am a little more than relieved.
I have been so annoyed with her- my stress level is through the roof and having her attitude about everything get worse and worse and worse, I just want to scream and push her out of the car.
and- I guess I just want to vent and relax and not think about the e-mail I have yet to recieve and the possibilities andthe scary things that are just around the corner.
There are no eal fireworks here. It feels less like a Holiday here- since every day in hot and sunny and beachworthy. At home day like that it rare and is pretty much declaired a holiday anyway,but you can always expect it on the fourth- but this year it seems like a nothing day. They play "Born in the USA" on the radio.
Great.
______
I am home. We barbequed. We played trivial pursuit (I came in second and am sorely dissapointed in myself, it was a close race there at the end). We drank Lemonade and watched the end of the Italy/Germany game.
At one point one of the questions was, "What color did Crayola create in the 90's inspired from the song, 'America the Beautiful'?" And so we all started humming it and then singing it and then laughing.
It was a bad movie moment, but it was honestly the most I've felt at home here. It felt nice to be singing the cheezy song that reminds me of singing in the car with Sara, Mom and Tom- I just felt better I guess.
It was the most patriotic I've felt in years.
By the way, the answer is: "Purple Mountains Majesty"- you may have thought it was "Amber Waves of Grain", but you'd be wrong.
I am going to Jeff's house to celebrate with his girlfriend, Derek and Joe. It is strange. Kendra is gone to Arizona- and I am a little more than relieved.
I have been so annoyed with her- my stress level is through the roof and having her attitude about everything get worse and worse and worse, I just want to scream and push her out of the car.
and- I guess I just want to vent and relax and not think about the e-mail I have yet to recieve and the possibilities andthe scary things that are just around the corner.
There are no eal fireworks here. It feels less like a Holiday here- since every day in hot and sunny and beachworthy. At home day like that it rare and is pretty much declaired a holiday anyway,but you can always expect it on the fourth- but this year it seems like a nothing day. They play "Born in the USA" on the radio.
Great.
______
I am home. We barbequed. We played trivial pursuit (I came in second and am sorely dissapointed in myself, it was a close race there at the end). We drank Lemonade and watched the end of the Italy/Germany game.
At one point one of the questions was, "What color did Crayola create in the 90's inspired from the song, 'America the Beautiful'?" And so we all started humming it and then singing it and then laughing.
It was a bad movie moment, but it was honestly the most I've felt at home here. It felt nice to be singing the cheezy song that reminds me of singing in the car with Sara, Mom and Tom- I just felt better I guess.
It was the most patriotic I've felt in years.
By the way, the answer is: "Purple Mountains Majesty"- you may have thought it was "Amber Waves of Grain", but you'd be wrong.
7/3/06
paused
I woke up today forgetting where I was. Sore, tired, alone, and frusterated.
Today isnt the first day where I dreampt I was back home in bed, where I dreampt his arms were around me instead of this lumpy pillow. toady isnt the first day I woke up crying.
I make myself sound really pitiful.
I'm not, thank you very much, I'm just- sad. On the inside, not the pathetic girl who is sad all the time on the outside.
I miss my life. I miss everything that I had, thatI feel like I worked for. All the friends, the jobs, the school, the apartment, the grocery shopping...
I suddenly am at a stand still with life, in some sort of freeze- like in superman where Lois Lane is on the airplane and it is between falling and rising and everything begins to float like it's in space. And all you can see is the one thing infront of you and you know that there is something really big going on but somehow all you can watch is the ballpoint pen float so close to your face.
I am there. I am watching the ball point pen.
I am missing the big picture today. Usually I can see the grand scheme, and realize that this nothingness, this no purpose, this pause is worth it.
But today I woke up missing so badly it doesnt feel worth it. It feels bad.
The pauses are the worst. the time that I have to look around and realize everything that isnt right, to realize that it will never be home. To realize that I will never be in that bed again, curled up, held- feeling that feeling that I cant say outloud.
I cant say any of it outloud because it will make it true.
I know that the plane will start to fall any second and this pause, where everything is floating will pass- and it will all happen so fast I wont be able to breathe- maybe just scream, or laugh.
But today, right now, in my lonliness and sadness and in my bed- all I can do is worry and pretend and cry.
Today isnt the first day where I dreampt I was back home in bed, where I dreampt his arms were around me instead of this lumpy pillow. toady isnt the first day I woke up crying.
I make myself sound really pitiful.
I'm not, thank you very much, I'm just- sad. On the inside, not the pathetic girl who is sad all the time on the outside.
I miss my life. I miss everything that I had, thatI feel like I worked for. All the friends, the jobs, the school, the apartment, the grocery shopping...
I suddenly am at a stand still with life, in some sort of freeze- like in superman where Lois Lane is on the airplane and it is between falling and rising and everything begins to float like it's in space. And all you can see is the one thing infront of you and you know that there is something really big going on but somehow all you can watch is the ballpoint pen float so close to your face.
I am there. I am watching the ball point pen.
I am missing the big picture today. Usually I can see the grand scheme, and realize that this nothingness, this no purpose, this pause is worth it.
But today I woke up missing so badly it doesnt feel worth it. It feels bad.
The pauses are the worst. the time that I have to look around and realize everything that isnt right, to realize that it will never be home. To realize that I will never be in that bed again, curled up, held- feeling that feeling that I cant say outloud.
I cant say any of it outloud because it will make it true.
I know that the plane will start to fall any second and this pause, where everything is floating will pass- and it will all happen so fast I wont be able to breathe- maybe just scream, or laugh.
But today, right now, in my lonliness and sadness and in my bed- all I can do is worry and pretend and cry.
7/2/06
started
I miss Diary-X enough to start a blog. That's so sad.
I miss my sister hearing my voice- you, yes, you.
I miss telling her to read the crappy books I love, and telling her the day to day stuff I've been up to.
I have so much to say usuallly but an e-mail doesnt feel big enough.
SO here this is. Kateless is born.
I miss you, Sara.
the past five weeks here in LA have been crazy. I have a tan. I miss Chicago more than anything. I miss Jimmy. I miss us. I miss Katie and the train and Underdog and "Nite Moves". I am lonesome, but I have so much company.
I have a car and drive it daily, I have an apartment, I have a life, I have a job interview this coming week. I have options, and opportunities, I have nightmares about all of the above and more.
I dreampt so vividly last night that I woke up punching my bedtable lamp off the table and onto the floor.
I wish that when I sat down to finally write this I had remembered all the things I wanted to say.
There are so many things in my head that want to come out, but I'm afraid to say- but, thats okay. Sometimes it just wont come out.
I miss my sister hearing my voice- you, yes, you.
I miss telling her to read the crappy books I love, and telling her the day to day stuff I've been up to.
I have so much to say usuallly but an e-mail doesnt feel big enough.
SO here this is. Kateless is born.
I miss you, Sara.
the past five weeks here in LA have been crazy. I have a tan. I miss Chicago more than anything. I miss Jimmy. I miss us. I miss Katie and the train and Underdog and "Nite Moves". I am lonesome, but I have so much company.
I have a car and drive it daily, I have an apartment, I have a life, I have a job interview this coming week. I have options, and opportunities, I have nightmares about all of the above and more.
I dreampt so vividly last night that I woke up punching my bedtable lamp off the table and onto the floor.
I wish that when I sat down to finally write this I had remembered all the things I wanted to say.
There are so many things in my head that want to come out, but I'm afraid to say- but, thats okay. Sometimes it just wont come out.
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